❆ come on out ❆

5 ❆ YURI

Author's notes, TW & CW 
↳

November 20th

Yuri sent a link

– ???????

Victor responds almost immediately,

– What do you think :3

— The girls recruited me! )))

– oh, well now it all makes sense

— how long are you going to make the series?

– Hmm

— I guess as long as they want ))

– so are you just... not going back to Russia?

There's a pause. Yuri wonders whether Victor has perhaps turned off his phone or something, but he sees the little typing symbol pop up on his screen. It stays for a bit, then disappears again. Then it pops up once more.

– Well, don't you want me here TT

Yuri rolls his eyes.

– Victor you said you'd go back if I lost

— I lost, didn't I?

– I told you, I wasn't being serious.

— I just don't have everything figured out yet, ok?

– what is there to figure out

The bubble pops up, Victor is typing. Then it disappears. Yuri doesn't get a reply.

He dwells on it for a little while, before his brain, running a million miles a second ever since he'd lost, snags. He fixates on the idea that Victor's only here waiting for him, that Victor's wasting his time, and that he'll never be good enough for Victor ever again.

Because I never was in the first place, he thinks. I'm an impostor, a human among gods. I don't deserve him, I don't belong in his league.

The gut-wrenching physical pain is back, the embodiment of his guilt and his shame. It chokes him up. He breaks down, yet again. His head hurts and he's tired of crying but he breaks down nonetheless, and silent tears drip gently onto his pillowcase.

Ah. So it's going to be that kind of night.

❆

November 21

Yuri wishes he hadn't woken up. He always does. He despises being awake, and yearns for unconsciousness at almost all hours of the day. If he's not napping (he never really sleeps), then he's either distracting himself on his phone or breaking down. His mom will often try to check on him when he's in a bad state, but the second he hears anyone approaching Yuri knows to silence his crying. He pointedly doesn't respond.

During one of these bad states, he receives a text from Victor.

– Wanna be in the new video?

Yuri frowns. Victor, you know the answer, he thinks.

– We're doing backwards skating! ))

— Like backwards swizzles and slaloms and edges and stuff

– uh, hard pass.

– Oh, don't be such a grumpypants.