sometimes its hard to believe that im actually meant to be here. Or that any of this is real. I cant help but wonder if i was misplaced, if im actually meant to be somewhere else, doing better things, not struggling to find a reason to wake up everyday.
These days, breathing has gotten so much harder. Not because of the masks we wear, but with the amount of stress and pressure we're put in. And sometimes we fail to keep up with it all. Its like life is speeding up by every second and as you wait for it to pass by, your floating. Hoping youll eventually drift away into a black void. A void where you'll be alone, away from everyone.
Ive always been fascinated with the idea of running away. Somewhere far away. As a kid, i grew up in a household where everyone had to be well mannered and disciplined to not get disowned. When i finally broke free from that shell thanks to my friends, i found so many things i missed out on as kid due to pure fear of my parents being dissapointed in me. Ofcourse, im still scared of that but maybe not as much.
When a bird is caged, even if its well feed and taken care of, it will always want to escape. Even if the cage is comfortable. If escaping means not having things given to you, the bird would still want to escape. Thats exactly how i felt. I was comfortable in my cage. But i needed to soar alone.
I still want to travel the world, explore cities, make new friends, fall in love. I can escape this cage when im of legal age. But what about the cage im trapped in mentally?
The minds a scary place. Scarier than clowns or hugs spiders or seperation. Your mind can screw you up so much, to the point where you physically can't take it anymore. Its draining. You could be having the best day of your life and you mind just says "nope not today" and thats the end of you happy winning streak. Whats scarier is we have no control over our mind. Science cant back me up on this one but im sure everyone has experienced days where they cant stop thinking about a specific situation or person on repeat. Its impossible to stop thinking about it and brings you down a whole ton mentally.
Its sad isn't it? That most of us cant even reach out for help. Even if we do, we get silenced. In our, we're meant to cooperate with the system. No mental illnesses. People who do struggle with it are said to want attention. Yes i have come crying to you about not wanting to exsist for attention. In makes sense right? Definitely does. Atleast to most people around us. Which is quite sad isnt it. That some of us desperately need a reason to wake up yet we are dissmised everytime we speak up. And they still question why the sucidal hotline gets no calls yet the rate of death by kids killing themselves is so high.
Selfish. Thats what my dad called me when he found out about my sh. Almost as if i was the reason for my bad mental state. Like i wanted all this. That was the day i finally let him go. From that day forward, that man would never own the title of being my dad again. As for my mom, shes a really good emotional manipulator so i cant say much. She always knew hoe to bring me back, even if she really did something horrible. I was always the first to say sorry.
At this point, i find it hard to believe i stuck around this long. I dont understand how i survived all of it. Some may say i was really strong bit i believe i was weak for not leaving when i could.
