If Only You'd Let Me {DNF}

Chapter 17

"Hello, Clay."

"Hi."

"Its lovely to see you again. Have you considered medication?"

"I have and I want to go through with the prescription, please." I admitted, quietly.

I'd thought it through and I wanted to try everything I could. To improve.

"Of course. I'll have it all sorted and sent to you."

"You can do that?"

"I can indeed."

"Cool, cool."

It's Thursday. My last session was a rough attempt at a home visit after my awful week last week. So here I am, in the office, getting better.

"So, where do you want to start today?"

"Last Friday."

"What happened last Friday?"

"I went to a party."

I explained all the events of the party that night. Including coming home and being comforted by George. Will listened and took notes just like always. This was easy. This was routine.

"So, Jess. You opened up to her about how you felt. Do you think that's due to the alcohol?"

"Mostly. But I felt comfortable with her for some reason."

"Have you talked to Aidan?"

"Not yet."

"Do you want to do it now? So we can talk after."

"No, I'll do it when I get home. It'll be okay."

"I'm glad you have the confidence in yourself to say that. Have you been excessively close with George this week, do you think?"

"Not excessively. We've just spent more time together than before. He doesn't have a girlfriend to worry about now and I don't have Aidan anymore, so we have a lot of spare time."

"Do you still want Aidan?"

"I hurt him. And I don't know if it can be the same again."

"You hurt George. You fixed it."

"This is different."

"How so?"

"I know George. I love George."

"You don't love Aidan?"

"I knew him all of two months. I can't love that quickly."

"You can, but you shouldn't. You used to think Aidan was perfect. What changed?"

"Nothing changed apart from what happened at the party. Now we just aren't on speaking terms."

"Would I be wrong in saying what's influencing your current opinion on Aidan is how much time your spending with George."

"Explain further."

"You love George. And you can most likely not love anyone else the way you love George. Therefore, due to the increased amount of time you're spending with him, you're considering him as an option again. Resulting in Aidan not being in the picture anymore."

"Bull shit."

Will readjusted at the harsh words and sighed. "How so?"

"I know George is straight. And he doesn't want me. I'm not considering him as an option. He's just helping me heal."

"Right. He's helping you heal the physical wounds and the mental ones right?"

"Yes."

"George was the cause of your original downfall, unintentionally, yet still very much a contributing factor. You're asking your sole problem to aid you in fixing all your other ones."

"He's my best friend. And I need him right now."

"And that's okay. Just know that it's not healthy to depend on him as much as it sounds like you do."

"Yes, I can see why."

"If he unintentionally hurts you again-"

"He won't."

"Okay, well you're dodging a really important thing here."

"I'm coping well. I'm creating new coping mechanisms, I'll be okay."

"Well, then. That concludes our session today. Unless you wish to speak further?"

"No, I'm good for now."

"Same time next week?" Will asked.

"Same time next week."

I got up to leave and Will offered his hand out to me. I took it, shook it and cocked my head as in to ask why.

"I want you to see me as your equal, Clay. I'm not some person who will figure out all your problems, I'm a person that will help you along the way of fixing them. You tell me what you want me to know but the more you keep from me, the harder it is for me to help."

"Noted."

"Bye, Clay."

"Bye."

I left the building and unlocked my car.

Yes, I drove to therapy for the first time in a year. I didn't feel like wasting time today. I had people to see, things to fix.

Where was I going?

A little bakery that I'd been to before.

I didn't want to have this conversation over the phone. I had a lot to say.

---

I pulled into the car park, took a deep breath and collected my thoughts. I knew he had a shift today. He was in that building. This could go many ways.

I sat, waiting, hoping he'd walk out the side door any minute now.

And sure enough, a short, blonde boy walked out of the bakery, waving goodbye to his coworkers.

I immediately got out the car and he saw me, stopping and staring.

He looked lost. He looked lonely. He looked tired.

"Aidan? Can I talk to you?"

He crumpled his face and crossed his arms, defensively.

"I don't know if I want to talk to you, Clay. You hurt me."

"I know. And I'm sorry. And I want to explain because I know you think it's a lot worse than it actually is."

"Don't tell me what to think."

"I'm sorry, but I know you only know half a story. I want to fix as much of this as I can. Are you okay? You look tired?"

"Don't pretend like you care."

"I'm not pretending. I do care about you. All those nights at my house meant something to me and the fact you're still talking to me, shows me that they meant something to you too."

"Fine. But at my house. I want to get out this stupid fucking uniform. I also need a lift home."

"Yeah, okay." I hesitated but continued to say, "And I think you look cute in the uniform."

"Shut up." he sighed.

"Okay. Sorry. I just-"

"Please just wait until I'm home to talk."

I nodded and opened the passenger door for him. He smiled but stopped himself, probably remembering why he was mad at me.

I climbed in the car after him and sighed. This was going to be painfully silent, wasn't it?

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