Beginning Of An End (Phan)
One-Shot
I'm really glad that Phil finally decided to be social and throw a New Year's party.
He was always the one who detested the ideas of parties and going into social places.
I never judged him for that, I understood him very well. In fact, even more than well.
This night, I decided not to drink, I had my reasons, reasons which I really can't share with you.
I pushed through the crowds of people to me unknown which filled our little apartment, tripping through steps but I couldn't care less. I needed to find Phil.
This night was that I decided to tell him, what I felt and what I was up to doing.
I didn't care about all the other YouTuber's and all the other people in the apartment, all I needed was Phil. I just needed him to listen.
"Phil," I whispered into his ear. I knew he was sober, he never drank, that's a thing I loved about him.
When I would get terribly drunk and wasted, he would be there to carry me home.
"The world is insane," I stated. "And it's all to my blame."
"Dan, what do you mean? Are you drunk?" of course he woudln't understand, he simply couldn't. He wouldn't even listen carefully.
I just looked him dead in the eye, I knew I shouldn't because every time I looked into these diamond blue eyes, I would go flying in them.
And so I was, lost within these skies. Trying to find my way back down but I just couldn't, there was no way. It was like, truly flying, through clouds of white, but there was nothing beneath, just an ocean of a shade of dark blue.
"Dan, are you okay?" he asked, that's when I hit land, I didn't plan on landing but I hit it, and that was it.
"Nothing is okay, and nothing will ever be okay to me. Stay strong my friend, this is the end," I whispered, planting a kiss on his pale, soft, dry lips.
His lips didn't move in sync with mine, but I didn't expect them too. I was expecting him to simply push me away, but he didn't. Why didn't he?
I will never know. I will never know many things though. Because I simply should've lived longer to find out.
That's when he grabbed my hand, but I simply shook it away and ran. I ran through the crowds, exiting the door and chasing up the stairs to the very top, the very roof.
When I've finally seen the moonlit sky of the darkness, I knew that was it. It was my end, the end that had no beginning.
End's don't need beginning's, they simply need to have a story. A story to be told by someone who cared. Even though you may feel that all is lost, it really isn't. You may feel like you have no one, like you're left alone, but you really aren't. You're never alone,.There is always someones out there who cares for you, even though you may refuse to believe that. I've been there, done that, and you must promise me to be strong. My friend, this is not the end.
I took slow steps forward, looking sadly at the cold, dark night sky. Stars shining bright, surrounding the dim moon. The moon was like the sun, giving the night a blaze of light.
I took one final step to the edge, I knew what I was doing, I didn't have to think twice. I was ready for this and there was no stopping me now.
"Dan!" he called out, followed me all the way up here. If he could only understand though. If he could only understand...
"Dan! Please don't do this!" he exclaimed and I heard his footsteps coming closer to me.
"Don't come any closer, Phil. I will jump, I will take my step to the edge and I will be long gone, just let me do this," I stated, turning around and catching his eyes. They were no longer as bright as the sky I've seen some time ago. They were dim now, of a darker shade, like the ocean I flew above.
"I don't want you to leave," he said. "Take my hand and change your mind, I love you."
I just stared into his eyes, a sparkle of hope flew past mine and I could feel tears coming to their edge. Just like the edge I was standing on. But they gave up already, spelt down my cheeks and made their way down my neck.
This is the end.
I turned around and walked further. One foot was still on the ground, while the other was flying in the air.
"Goodbye," I whispered. Tears streaming down my face. This was my final decision and there was no coming back.
I simply couldn't live in a world of worries and insecurities. I was tired and exhausted of faking smiles, pretending to be happy. Tired of breathing, simply of living.
This was it. I jumped off the edge, it hurt me to look back at Phil, so I didn't, and this, I regret.
Suicide is sometimes the only way out, to someone who doesn't believe in the better. I was one of these people, I didn't believe in anything anymore. All I needed was to end my pain and suffering, and so here I was, flying in the cold night sky. I was flying, free like a bird. I felt air striking through my hair and this was it, I was enjoying the last few moments of my life.
Don't give up, my friend. This is not the end.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
xoxo - Betty
