Humor Me

Chapter 3

Brought to you by The DUFF, in theaters this Friday! 

What felt like a hundred years later, Melonie’s final training day had come to an end.

Actually, it was only a few weeks of brutal training but it definitely took work. We mostly kept her out of eyesight from the rest of the school, reassuring that no one saw her foolishness during preparations.

Now today was the day where she was entitled to eat with us at lunch. 

Everyone was buzzing at first, how the school’s plastic trash (also known as John’s Girlfriend) climbed her way to the top. Melonie told me in horror how a kid thought she killed someone to get a seat next to me.

Personally, I thought that was quite flattering.

Since she was seen as top of the food chain now, people did not care about her sexual orientation. Students even stepped out at the beginning of lunch, claiming their true sexuality.

A sweet strike of pride hit my chest each time someone did. I was doing justice.

Until he arrived.

“Here comes the spawn of Satan himself,” Alberta said with a disgusted sniff. Chewing on her veggie chip, she rolled her eyes to the side and we all naturally leaned away.

“Hello ladies,” a voice rumbled with a tinge of amusement. A poignant stench of manly perfume clouded over our cafeteria table.

Our backs faced, I stole a glance at Melonie who wore an impassive expression. “Ouch,” he lightly winced. “The silent treatment?”

“John,” I sweetly spoke. I turned half of my body, looking pathetically at his usual varsity football jacket and ripped jeans getup. “You do understand it is our nature to not interact with imbeciles like you.”

“Imbecile?” Confusion lingered over his face before a smirk crawled its way over. “Baby, I’m ‘bout to be in your cile.”

Cleopatra grimaced and started poking her vegan burger. Alberta opened her mouth, closed it, and then left it open. I was not afraid to display my misperception and waved my hand up. “What does that even mean?”

“It means that John Smith cannot even make a proper sentence in English without making a complete fool of himself.”

I did not even have to say anything.  

I finally turned my entire body and found Melonie with her torso towards John, arms crossed. John stood silent for a moment, zoned in on his ex with shock. But that reaction faded instantly and his game face was on. “Melonie, baby,” he grinned.

“To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?” Melonie sarcastically drawled, rolling the ‘t’ on her tongue.

“You sound different,” he said, that spark of amusement now dimming.

“And you are still here,” she said. “We have one existing problem.”

John looked at the ceiling with a smile and then stared back down at her, hands now in his jacket pocket. “Wow. Since when did you get so defensive?”

“Since you disrespectfully misspoke of me as a freak when I told you I was an asexual.” I saw her muscles tighten but her face remained straight and sweet. “Since you disrespectfully told me you needed sexual acts in our dead relationship.”

A long string of silence was hanging in the cafeteria until John tugged out a nervous laugh. “Oh baby, you know I didn’t mean that—”

“John Smith.” Melonie’s voice was firm and I felt goosebumps run up my arm. “You are an unequivocally myopic ninny and a debased mucous-eating proof that evolution can go in reverse.”