Childhood trauma.

A tearful monologue

Black is an underrated colour, it can represent both beauty and sadness. The beauty found in all things dark and mysterious and also the sadness in what black is associated with. Death, depression, darkness. The list goes on but enough about what society thinks, I look at myself through my bathroom mirror. I used to have a full length mirror until it broke, I didn't bother asking my dad to buy me a new one because I knew what the answer would be. I've learnt to live without it meaning I live a modest vain free life. This is the only real time I've ever really looked at myself and studied every detail close up on my face in a long time. My brain floods with images of my mother and father and how I am both of them combined it just doesn't seem real.

I brush my hands down the sides of my black dress smoothing out any creases. An audible sigh escapes my mouth and the realization that after today I will never see my father again hits me. It's reasons like this I choose to never wear makeup no matter how tear proof it may be. I hear a knock on the door. "Come in" I say my voice sounding shattered, it's Molly. "Hey, their waiting downstairs for us whenever you're ready." She gives me small smile and holds my hand. My eyes start to glass up with tears and Molly embraces me in her arms. "Hey hey now, it's okay shh..." I begin to groan and mumble trying to calm myself down. "I miss him so much Molly!" Molly sighs and releases her arms so she can place her hands on my shoulders and look deeply into my eyes.

"Rainy this is not going to be an easy day today, you know that. But we also have to talk about what happens next. You know that as well, right?" I stare at her with a look of confusion. "What are you talking about? My father has died and you think I have to start thinking about my mother? She can rot in hell for all I care, if you ask me it should be her being buried in the ground and not my dad!" I say with tears now sliding down my cheeks. Molly uses her thumb to push the tears away from my eyes. "I know how you feel yo-" I interrupt. "No you don't! Both of your parents are still alive, not only are they alive but they are happily married. Married Molly. And their not forcing you to move to America!" "What I meant to say was I sympathies with you." I glare at her. "I don't want your sympathy I just want my dad back!"

Molly wraps her arms tightly around me and we stay like this for at least two minutes while tears flood out of my eyes like a waterfall. Only difference is waterfalls are pure, natural and beautiful and although this whole situation is natural I somehow find this situation impure, unnatural and not the least bit beautiful.

Once I get to grips of my surroundings me and Molly make our way downstairs and outside to where the car is parked. The car is black with a white ribbon tapped on the front in a arrow formation. Behind the car is a Limousine, but not the kind of Limo you would go to party's or your school dance in. No this Limo contained the most influential person of my life and it's not right. None of this is right!

I sit in the car starring blankly out the window. "Do you know if any of your fathers friends are coming?" Asks Molly in a desperate attempt to spark up conversation. It's only at this moment I notice what Molly's wearing today, She usually wears some kind of pantsuit with a blazer but today she's wearing a simple modest black and white skirt suit. But not only that it's the suit I bought her on her birthday last year, she hadn't asked for anything and I thought it would be funny to buy her something formal and overly priced. I saved up allot of money to by her that suit and seeing her wear it today made me smile. It suited her well, her dark skin complimented the colours well and she really looked the part with her nearly cut hair. She likes natural hair cuts so she simply let her hair grow out and then shaved it into a clean modest Afro.

"I don't know, I went round to the bar and for the first time they let me inside and I told the bar man him and his friends could come if they would like. He smiled at me and didn't say anything else." It will be good to see your fathers friends come say goodbye." I admire her for really trying to keep my spirits up but I know that's not going to be easy.

We finally arrive at the church graveyard and me and molly make our way to the grave where my father will be buried. I look around and see no one is here. "No one came, none of his relatives or his friends." I say with slight anger in my voice. Molly says nothing put places a hand on my shoulder, the men carrying my fathers coffin come over and the priest in front of us starts to say a few words as they slowly lower my father into the ground. I can't help but cry uncontrollably, no one deserves to loose their parents let alone anyone they love and care about. "Take as much time as you need." The priest says as he walks towards me. "Thank you." Molly says kindly.

I stare at the whole in the ground still in complete shock that my father is in there asleep, forever. I will never see him again, no waking up and knowing my father will always be there for me. But that's not true is it? He lied, he said he would never leave me and now he has left me, he's left me to go and live with the woman that tried to separate us.

Why dad? Don't you love me? Why did you leave me? I found myself blaming my father for something he didn't do, the only reason this happened is because of the depressing state he was in. And the only reason he was in that state in the first place is because my mother tried to disconnect our family so really my mother killed my father. Sure there was no crime scene and she will never get the blame for this but she ruined his life! If she hadn't tried to take me away at such a young age then we would still be a family and I wouldn't be entering my adult life without a father.