Childhood trauma.

What next?

After the funeral Molly took me home and ordered us a takeaway, It's the kind of thing I used to do with my dad. We both agreed on Chinese and we ordered from the same place me and my dad used to go. When they came to drop off the food they apologized having heard about my fathers sudden passing, they even gave us a complimentary box of wings. It's not much but it's good to know someone cares.

"Are you enjoying your chow mien?" Molly turns to ask my swilling some noodles around her chopsticks. I simply nod and then continue to eat looking out of my living rooms window seat reminiscing all of the things my dad has done for me and everything we used to do together. I turn away from the window to look around the empty space, what happened to this place? Although It's colourful wallpaper and shinning floorboards remain it just seems like a dump. A forgotten wasteland of thoughts and memories and the graveyard of a loving family.

My mother helped decorate this place and make it a home, our home. The home that I would grow up in, make memories in, feel loved in. Yet my mum still decided to take all of that away and let the family dream perish into distant memories of the past. "Alright I'll be the one to say it, Rain talk to me there's nothing I can do It's a signed binding contract administered by the courts of law but I can make you feel better. You don't have to have this depressing cloud over your head all the time, I understand you're going through a grieving process and that's normal but please let me know whats going on in that smart head of yours." I cock my head to the side and stare at Molly with an open mouth unsure of what to say weird sounds escape my mouth followed by tears drooping down my cheeks.

"Oh Rainy!" Molly puts down her noodles and rushes over to sit beside me on the window seat with her arms wrapped gently around me cradling me like a baby. She lightly strokes my hair as we both stare out the window. "I'm just so scared!" My haunting thoughts take over and the truth finally comes out. Molly now squeezing me tightly in her grip lets out a small laugh. "I know, and to tell you the truth I'm scared too." I look up at her face, she's smiling and looking out the window with tears gently pouring down her face.

We stay in this position for a good couple of minutes before I head up to my bedroom to get some well deserved rest. I have already changed out of my clothes and into some comfy lounge clothes, I my phone on the floor next to my bed which has been turned off for a good couple of days. When I turn it on to see what messages I have my whole phone lock screen is flooded with texts, missed calls and any social media site notification you can think of. And just as I thought the main majority of them are from my best friend Beatrix, she's been there from the beginning ever since she got transferred to my primary school in year four and I was the first person to talk to her. It's not that I don't have other friends It's just that she's always the one to call or text me, my other friends communicate to me poorly through Snapchat, Facebook or Instagram.

I scan through her text messages quickly and then call her, she answers after three rings. "Rainy what's wrong? I've been trying to talk to you all day everyone at school was worried about me! But I just told them I'm worried about you, why weren't you in today? You usually tell me if you're not coming in." I let out a quick sigh before having to explain the dreadful details of today. "I was at a funeral." There's a long pause before Bea replies. "What?" I look down at my feet before answering. "Yeah um, my dad passed away the other day." There's another long pause this one longer than the last. "Oh... My... Oh my god! Rainy, Rain I'm coming over." She hung up without giving me time to refuse, all I can do now is wait in a fresh puddle of tears I was now creating. It must of been loud as Molly comes bursting into my room to see me holding onto my phone lying on the floor.

Roughly half an hour has passed and Beatrix has just been let in by Molly and is now running up the stairs and into my room. I lie on my bed in a fetus position facing the wall, Bea comes over and rubs my arm. "Rain, I know this wont bring him back but I brought over 'Phish food' your favorite." I turn my head to face her with puffy red eyes and she hugs me allowing her honey blonde hair to intertwine with mine. It's loose and wavy, she stands up pulls open my curtains. The natural dull sunlight shines down on her white sequin top reflection greatly against her blue denim jeans and scruffy white converse.

"I'll bring some bowls up for us." She smiles and takes down some dirty dishes I had left on my dresser previously. Ever since the day I received the news I had gone into a quite obvious state of depression shielding me from the outside world locking me away in my bedroom, occasionally my school phoned but Molly simple told them the truth of the matter. Bea had come back up and presented me with a bowl of my favorite ice cream and a spoon, we never opted in for that stereotype teenage girls sharing ice cream from a tub.

"So, when did it happen if you don't mind me asking." She asks digging her spoon and swilling it around the ice cream. I clear my throat. "Last Monday." Bea doesn't say anything she simply looks up at me and exhales. "Rainy I'm so sorry." A tear appears in the corner of her eye and then I remember she used to come over here all the time when my dad was around, she came over so much that he was like a second father to her. He hadn't just affected my life but the lives of others as well, unlike my mother who I have to live with now. That part I hadn't told Beatrix and now's a good a time as any I thought.

I clear my throat once more and look up at her. "Jelly bean." A nickname I gave her years back. "What's up Rain boots?" The nickname she gave me. "There's something else and I don't have any control over this and I'm so sorry." Tears glass over my eyes and I watch as Beanie puts down her bowl and wipes the tears from my eyes. Why are you apologizing?" She says with a slight smile. "Years ago when my mother divorced my father he got custody of me, and that was true but what I didn't know was that if he died while I was still under 18 my mum would get custody of me." I saw sniffling and struggling to get the words out.

She looks at me confused with a small side smirk. "I don't understand why should you feel sorry?" "Because Bea, my mother lives in america and she wants to take me away from here." Tears now flooding my face. "I'm so sorry..." I looks down at her knees which are angled to the left which her kneeling position has caused. "So are you saying I may never see you again?" I nod and the room falls silent. "Well when do you leave?" "A couple weeks from now." I reply. She looks up at me both devastated and in shock then suddenly she plants a smile on her face. "Alright that gives us just enough time to have a great few weeks together." She grabs my wrist and stands me up. "Starting now! Let's start packing." I give a confused terrified look thinking packing is the last thing I want to be doing right now. "I have school till the end of the week but I will come round everyday after school and on weekends to help you pack and we can watch TV and movies and reminisce and-" I cut her off in the middle of her absurd list of requests.

"I don't want to do any of that, I don't even want to move to America! This is all happening so fast so fast and I... I can't take it! I need to get out I need to... run away! I'll run and my mum wont know where I am so she won't be able to..." I start crying uncontrollably now and Bea instantaneously wraps her arms around me and squeezes tightly, I am no longer stead and it causes me to fall down with Bea still holding onto me.

"whats going on in here?!" Molly yells rushing towards us, bea lets go and quickly explains. "Listen Lorraine crying isn't going to make this any easier, all I can suggest you do now is suck it up and get on with life, Beatrix was trying to help and I think that's a genius idea. Having Beatrix here to help you pack with help you. Don't push us away Rain we're trying to help." I know that Molly was right and I want them to help I really do but my mind keeps telling me otherwise, making me believe I can avoid this. I know what I must do.

"Thank you both for being in my life, yes Bea that's an amazing idea and I want you to help." I smile and feel proud of myself for coming to that conclusion however, the voice in the back of my mind still thinks the opposite.