A Greatest Thieves Turnabout

Chapter 8: How Raymond Became a Criminal and Other Stupid Exaggerations

7:02 am, Thursday, March 4th.

Raymond's eyes slowly opened as his consciousness slowly flooded back into his brain. The sun outside his apartment window was only just starting to peak out from beneath the horizon of the concrete jungle that was Japanifornia. Blinking to adjust to the dimness of the light, Ray turned to his side and dragged his phone off his bedside table to check the time. It was a few minutes past seven am. With a pleased exhale at the thought of sleeping in since it was his day off, he put his phone back and snuggled into his bed.
A minute or two passed and Raymond was beginning to fall asleep when out of nowhere, a loud beeping sound pierced his ear drums. He winced at the sudden noise and reached over to turn his alarm off.
"What the...? I don't remember setting my alarm for today..." He muttered to himself, closing his eyes again. Not even a moment later, the noise started once again. Now slightly more confused, the attorney turned it off and tried to fall back asleep. Yet the noise didn't stop for too long as just a minute after that, it started back up, now at a faster tempo.
"This is getting ridiculous..." Ray groaned and pressed the off button on the alarm, harder than his past attempts, then quickly shoved his arm back under his blanket and attempted to go back to slumber land.
A few minutes passed and Raymond was about to fall asleep again. But of course, that didn't happen as the screech of the alarm sounded once more. Frustrated, he quickly pulled his arm from beneath his blanket and slammed the thing with his fist, causing it to shut up for good. Sighing, the attorney pulled his blanket over his head. Suddenly, as if it was cursed, the alarm started howling once again.
This time, however, he was taking no prisoners. He sat up, reached over, and instead of turning the thing off, he picked up the piece of clockwork and threw it across the room at full force, causing it to hit a wall and shatter into tiny pieces on impact and immediately shush. With a content nod, Raymond laid back down. All was good and silent for a short while but unfortunately said silence didn't last too long. A few minutes passed and Ray was just starting to fall back asleep. When suddenly...
"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPP!!!"
The attorney quickly sat up, staring at the remains of what used to be his alarm with visible fear in his eyes.
"How the hell-"
Ray then finally realized. So it wasn't the ghost of his alarm clock coming back to haunt him. In fact, it wasn't even an alarm. The noise was actually just a car honking!
Feeling more stupid than ever, he threw himself back into bed and thrust his face right into his pillow, regretting throwing his perfectly normal clock at a wall.
"I hope whoever they're honking at finally gets the memo..."
Ray muttered, waiting for it to stop. Alas, it only got worse from there as just seconds later, someone shouted from outside.
"HEY! GET DOWN HERE ALREADY! DON'T MAKE US HAVE TO WAIT HERE ALL MORNING!"
The attorney chuckled lightly to himself, picking up his pillow and pulled it over his head to block out the noise.
"Looks like the person they're calling has a lot in store for them once they get down."
He rolled over. Suddenly, another shout was heard.
"ATTORNEY GUY! I'M TALKING TO YOU!"
Raymond dragged his pillow off his head, glancing at the window.
"Wow, I didn't know there were other attorneys in this building. I'll have to meet them some time."
While he didn't exactly care for whatever was happening downstairs, the next shout however got Ray to snap to attention.
"SHIELDS! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME! GET DOWN HERE!"
Raymond sat up, blinking rapidly and processing what he just heard. It took him a little while to remember who exactly would be calling him today of all days. He groaned, standing up and putting on his slippers and dragging himself to the window.
"No no no... Come on, not those guys! Anyone but them!"
He opened the window and looked down at the small yellow fiat he saw pulling out of the parking lot next to his office the other night.
"Guys! Come on! You'll wake the neighbors!"
Instead of a response, Ray felt something whiz right past his ear, through his hair, and with a loud BANG stick itself right into the calendar above his bed, marking the exact date perfectly. Upon closer inspection, the attorney realized that it was none other than a .357 magnum bullet. A little shaken he walked back to the open window.
"Okay point taken! You don't care for what the neighbors think! Let me just change first! I can't meet a client in sweatpants and a college tee shirt!"
He slammed his window shut and quickly went to change into his usual outfit, a brown button up shirt complete with a light blue flat ended tie, tie clip, white pants, and brown shoes. Ray had desperately tried to brush out the bullet hole in his hair but with no luck eventually gave up and put on his signature fedora, hoping the hole wasn't too noticeable. He then grabbed a cup of coffee for the road as well as his keys and made his way downstairs.
When Raymond arrived, he found Jigen sitting on the roof the car loading a sniper rifle. The attorney's eyes widened as he stopped to stare at the gun.
"Excuse me but what were you trying to do, assassinate me?!"
The sharpshooter lowered his gun into the backseat through the opened car roof window, causing Goemon, who was meditating there, to have to scoot over.
"Just getting a point across. What took you so long?"
"Well today is my day off so I slept in. But I guess it isn't anymore, now is it?"
"Nope."
Jigen clambered into the car through the same window and climbed into the drivers seat. He then did as any proper driver should do when they first get inside a vehicle, light a cigarette and turn on the radio. He looked over at Raymond who was still standing outside the car.
"Oh right."
Jigen pushed the passenger side door open with his foot.
"Hop in."
Without question, Ray did as told. He sat down and closed the door behind him and buckled up, unlike the man beside him.
The car was relatively clean from what Raymond could see. That was, apart from the ashtray in between the passengers and drivers seats which could practically be considered the eight wonder of the world due to the impossible amount of cigarette buds stacked up inside it. Despite that, however, the car didn't smell that strongly of smoke. The smell was faintly present, sure, but it wasn't enough to make Ray want to throw up. In fact he didn't really mind it. Parts of the car itself seemed to be glued, sewn, or even nailed shut showing really how many adventures the car had been on.
The back seat was a whole different story. It was cleaner than the front and had less damage compared, apart from a few stray patches on the seat. Goemon was still meditating, clutching his sword tightly. In the foot space there were a few bags . Now that Ray thought about it, it was probably the best place for them to be since the samurai didn't look like he particularly needed the space.
Turning his attention back to the front of the car, the attorney tried to look for something to discuss since the silence in the car, apart from the radio, was deafening. His gaze eventually landed on the ashtray. "So, you guys sure look like you have a lot of stress to relieve."
Jigen smirked at the comment, shifting his cigarette from one side of his mouth to the other.
"How can you tell?"
"Well for one, no one smokes THAT much unless there's something pretty stressful happening to them at all times! That as well as how much of your car looks like it's been fixed and patched up."
The sharpshooter chuckled, taking the cigarette out of his mouth.
"Well you're not wrong, pal. You sure do like looking into the nitty gritty, don't you?"
"Well that is a pretty big part of being an attorney! If I didn't do that, I'd be no better than those brainless idiots who call themselves lawyers just to make a quick buck!"
"Well you have a point there." Jigen put the cigarette back in his mouth. "Guess we chose the right guy for the job."
Raymond grinned at the compliment, leaning back in his seat.
"So how did you all meet anyway? A gunslinger and a thief, sure, but a samurai? Must've been some really crazy circumstances."
Goemon opened one eye, appearing to be out of meditation.
"Well they were rather interesting conditions. But I'd rather not get into it."
"That means a lot of stuff happened, Lupin probably almost died twice, and now we're here."
Snickering to himself, the attorney closed his eyes and pulled his hat over them.
"I feel like it's going to be a long ride so Uncle Ray will take a little nap since he didn't get much sleep-"
"Wait." Goemon's calm voice sounded over the radio, causing Ray to have to push his hat upwards and look back at him.
"Hm? What's up?"
"I have a question."
"Is that so? Well then, Uncle Ray sure would like to hear it!"
"Do you truly believe in Lupin's innocence? Or are you just taking this case on for money?"
The attorney put his hands behind his head.
"Well, before I make my final judgement, I'd like to actually meet my client and see the crime scene for myself, you know? Can't form a case with just a story told by my client's friends, now can I? But, generally speaking, I do have a feeling the accusations placed on your friend, based on how you told me everything, are perhaps not as correct as the guys who arrested him may think. And, as one great attorney I used to know always said, 'Belief is the basis of everything. After all, your client believes in you enough to entrust you with their life. So in return, you must believe in them until the very end. And whether that end is sweet or bitter, by the time it happens, you always have to be able to say that you tried your hardest'. Or to put it bluntly, believing in your client is pretty darn important. If you didn't, you wouldn't have a job!" Raymond poked his finger through the bullet hole in his hair. "Pretty neat philosophy, eh?"
The samurai finally opened both of his eyes, staring up at the attorney, satisfied with his answer.
"I must admit, that is a rather honorable philosophy. I respect that. If you approach this case with that same view, I'll have no choice but to trust you."
"I'll take that as a win in my book!"
Just as things were quieting down and the car grew silent once again, a loud THUMP erupted from the trunk, causing the car to lurch forward a little. Raymond's eyes widened at the sudden sound.
"Uh, what was that?"
Jigen, who seemed to be just as on edge, gritted his teeth.
"No idea."
Goemon didn't have much of a response to the sound.
"I believe it's simply my sword polishing kit."
Another thump followed his sentence, this time louder and harder. Ray jumped.
"I've never owned a sword so I wouldn't know, but I don't think objects just do that on their own!"
The thumps became more and more frequent as if whatever was in there was trying to get out. Jigen groaned, annoyed at the lack of decency of whatever was in the trunk. He snuffed out his cigarette and tossed it into the ashtray.
"So are we just going to ignore that or-?"
"NO, PULL OVER! What if there's an animal or something in there?!"
"Jeez, you're so dramatic, Shields. It's probably nothing."
Nevertheless, Jigen pulled the car over on the side of the road and got out, closely followed by a very nervous looking Raymond and confused Goemon. Once they got to the trunk, the sharpshooter readied his gun and slowly opened it.
As the lid opened, the three men gasped. Laying there, tied up, was a teenage girl, her emerald green eyes wide with both fear and anger. Her black hair was messily spilled over her shoulders and her pink shirt was wrinkled seemingly from how long she'd been laying there.
Stepping back, Raymond screamed. The girl screamed as well. Jigen lowered his gun, laughing hysterically.
"Wow Goemon, oh so THAT'S what you call your sword polishing kit!"
Goemon wasn't screaming along with the girl and attorney but his expression very clearly read 'what the hell is happening' so the sharpshooter decided not to await a response.
Raymond finally stopped screaming, taking a moment or two catch his breath before rubbing his eyes, trying to make sure he wasn't dreaming. Unfortunately this was all reality, much to the attorney's chagrin. He then exclaimed, his right eye twitching a little.
"Kay?! What in the world are you doing in here?!"
The girl only responded in a few muffled peeps and squeaks since her mouth was duct taped. Coming to his senses, Ray ripped the tape off her mouth. Kay gasped for air, then responding.
"Mr. Shields! Did... did you just kidnap me?!"
Raymond put his hands up.
"Hey don't blame me! It's those guys behind me! I have no part in this! It's not even my car!"
Kay glared at him, squinting her eyes a little.
"If you're not a part of this then at least untie me!"
"R-right!"
With some struggle, Ray managed to untie Kay and help her out of the trunk. He then turned to Jigen and Goemon who were standing there, speechless.
"What do you have to say for yourselves?! First you chop my office door in half, then you force me into defending a world renowned thief, and now you make me an accomplice for kidnapping someone! This is just too far!"
Jigen put his hands up in defense, smirking.
"Hey, don't blame us! We're professionals!"
"Professionals in what, kidnapping people?!"
"Well that too."
"So you've kidnapped someone before?!"
"Oh, only a few corrupt government officials from third world countries!"
"That doesn't make up for it!"
"Either way, we have nothing to do with whatever this is!" Jigen leaned on the car, lighting a cigarette. "If we did, trust me buddy, we would not be pulling over on the side of the road and checking the trunk. Besides, I don't even know this kid."
He gestured at Kay with his cigarette, then put it in his mouth.
The girl put her hands on her hips.
"Why was I tied up in your trunk then?!"
"Well you didn't just lay down there to take a nap, did you?"
"Of course not!"
"Then I have no idea, kid."
Jigen didn't appear to care very much unlike Raymond who was panicking, holding onto his hat as if it was about to fall off.
"Well if it wasn't you two then... wait it wasn't Lupin, was it?!"
The sharpshooter glared at him like he was insane.
"Hell no! Knowing Lupin he'd rather get caught than kidnap some random kid!"
"Well then who put her in here in the first place?"
"Like I said, I have no idea!"
Ray took a step back, looking over at Kay.
"Do you remember anything?"
The girl shook her head.
"No, not really. I just remember walking into a museum and that's it!"
"Huh- well that's kind of weird."
Raymond scratched the back of his neck, glancing at at the trunk he had just pulled Kay out of. Goemon was standing there, frantically searching for something. Jigen took notice and placed his hand on the samurai's shoulder.
"Something wrong, pal?"
"My sword polishing kit...! It's gone!"
"I think we've got more important things to worry about than some random kit."
Goemon's head practically snapped to face the sharpshooter. Through gritted teeth, he muttered.
"It isn't just 'some random kit', Jigen. It is a very important counterpart to the Zantetsuken which can not be replaced under no circumstance. If it goes missing that means I can no longer polish and sharpen my sword which will cause it to dull and become unusable."
Jigen scratched the back of his head.
"Yeesh. Who knew it could be that important. Well I guess we'll have to find it."
Kay looked far off into thought. Taking notice, Ray looked down at the girl, raising an eyebrow.
"Something wrong?"
"No, I just can't believe this is happening."
"Well yeah I guess you have a point. Being accidentally kidnapped isn't a thing that happens every da-"
"No not that! I just can't believe I get to meet THE Lupin the third! It's like a dream come true!"
The attorney jumped back.
"How is that a dream come true-?! Oh wait... ah, I forgot, you're a thief too." He chuckled. "Guess even thieves have celebrities..."
Jigen looked over from the panicking Goemon, more amused than anything.
"Did you just say you're a thief too? Wow, kid. And what kind of stuff do you steal?"
"I'm glad you asked!" Kay smirked, getting into a heroic stance, putting her right hand in a fist for dramatic effect.
"Even in the depths of night, when no other bird dares to take flight, one alone soars to shine the light of righteousness on the world's blight!" The girl jumped up on top of the car, slamming her hand on her chest to indicate herself. "And that one is me! For I am the great thief, Yatagarasu!"
Raymond smiled, clapping his hands.
"My my, Kay that routine of yours gets better and better by the day!"
The sharpshooter crossed his arms, staring up at Kay.
"Psshh. 'Great thief Yatagarasu'. What do you do, steal shiny things?"
The girl jumped down from the car.
"Actually, Mr. Bearded-guy, I steal the truth!"
"The truth, eh?" Jigen sounded entertained. "What kind of truth?"
"Well all kinds!"
"That doesn't explain much." He turned to face the very dejected looking Goemon and Ray. "Well, now that we've found this wannabe thief, lost Goemon's watchamacallit, and will probably get suspected of kidnapping, let's get back on the road and visit Lupin."
The attorney put his hands up.
"Hey, I still have no part in this! If anything, you guys threatened me to come with you!"
"That wasn't a threat."
"You had a gun!"
"So what? I always have a gun. Doesn't mean I was going to threaten you. Just making a statement."
Shields just sighed. Well it's not like he could exactly argue with Jigen's logic. Besides, arguing with someone holding a loaded gun quite often never ended well, so for now he decided to leave the subject alone. Instead he put his hands in his pockets, peering at Kay who was walking circles around Goemon, probably looking for something to snatch at the last second.
"Well, in that case, let's get moving. Time's a-wasting. We've got places to be and people to see!"
Kay stopped circling around the samurai and jumped up out of excitement.
"Oooh, I've always wanted to ride in the infamous Lupin car!"
"Technically you already have." The marksman closed the trunk and opened the back seat door for her, then sitting down in the drivers seat, waiting for Ray, Kay, and Goemon to get in the car.
The Yatagarasu shuffled into the back seat, Goemon following behind her without a word. Raymond on the other hand gave a small shrug and got back into the passengers seat, leaning back and yawning. As the car started driving, Kay shifted uncomfortably, tossing her long black hair this way and that, trying to get it to stay out of her face, much to little success. Finally, she gave a frustrated sigh and crossed her arms then kicking the back of the attorney's seat.
"Does anyone here have a hair tie? I can't work with my hair down like this!"
Ray gave an awkward chuckle, "I don't have a hair tie but could you at least not kick my seat? I already have back problems."
The girl ignored him. "Come on, anyone? Anyone at all?"
A few moments of deafening silence later, and suddenly none other than the samurai held out a small black hair tie. Kay couldn't help but laugh a little.
"Well I wasn't expecting that!"
"Just... Take it." Goemon looked away, his face flushed with embarrassment.
Without another word, she quickly snatched the hair tie and pulled her hair up in a high ponytail. Sure, it wasn't what she usually liked to hold her hair up with but it would work for the time being.
Raymond stretched out in his seat.
"So Kay, what were you doing at the museum?"
The girl stared out the window, watching the sun rise above the cityscape.
"Well I was there for the special after show. But I think I came on the wrong day because when I came in there was no one there." She gave a small sigh, fogging up the window with her breath and drawing a little heart in the fogged up space. "Which was really quite a shame. I was looking forward to it too!"
"It's probably a good thing you didn't get further into the museum." Jigen snickered. "Or else people would've thought you were with us."
"I mean those guys should've at least locked the front door! Because then any regular Joe Shmoe could've just walked on in there like I did , not gotten an after show, and left disappointed!"
The sharpshooter's eyes widened, "What did you just say, kid...!?"
"That they should've locked the front door?"
Jigen gritted his teeth, glaring at the road with such intensity that the windshield could've been shattered by his stare.
"You're telling me we wasted all that trouble going through the back entrance only for the front door to be open!?"
Raymond's eyes widened, his gaze shakily landing on Kay and then the man in the drivers seat. "I don't think that's the issue here! Why in the world would a museum keep their doors open after closing time!?"
"Maybe someone left it open?" Kay shrugged. "Like someone who works there?"
"That does seem like the most obvious answer." Goemon nodded in agreement to what Kay said, finally having spoken for the first time in a while.
Raymond huffed, sliding down in his seat.
"This case just keeps getting funner and funner, doesn't it? The whole accidental kidnapping better not come back to bite us. I'd rather not have this on my record, thanks. Unlike you guys I still have a lot to lose."
Kay smiled, twisting around in her seat to look out the back window.
"Don't worry Mr. Shields! I'm actually quite enjoying being accidentally kidnapped! Besides, hanging out with fellow thieves is always a fun experience!"
Jigen looked Ray, grinning from ear to ear.
"See, Shields? There's nothing for you to worry about! And if you really think about it, since the kid is fine with it, it might not even be a kidnapping at all! Just an unplanned hang out.
"How reassuring..." The attorney muttered, pulling his hat over his eyes.
Suddenly, Kay's chipper voice caused Raymond to push his hat up and look back at her.
"Hey guys? I think someone's really impatient to join us!"