I Loathe You. I Love You Too.

Chapter Forty-Five : i can't love him

Chapter Forty-Five : i can't love him

Paige

Nora was cuddled on the couch with a blanket Parker had bought and brought over last night, it was pictures of him and her that I sent to his phone a couple weeks ago. Parker stayed to watch her open it before he left, I got to see him a little though, it's crazy to think that I could miss him, from spending every waking moment together to now only five minutes breaks my heart. But maybe this was preparing me for the soon future.

"Paige," Kayla distracted my thoughts as she came in, "did you want to play a board game?" Since the incident on the hike she's been trying and my parents have been forcing her to be around me at all times.

"I'm kinda tired," I looked at her, part of me wondered if getting mad and lashing out helped me. I feel like it made things worse.

"Oh, okay yeah I understand," she nodded, "I should probably go get some snacks for Connor and I when he gets here," she said.

I went to sit by Nora who then cuddled up next to me, "I miss him," Nora then muttered as I brushed my hands in her hair.

"He's just gotten busy," I mentioned but I knew that feeling too because I also missed him. God did I miss him.

"He's still coming to my birthday right?" she looked over at me and I nodded.

"He wouldn't miss it for the world," I smiled at her.

"Good," she nodded, "my party can't start until Parker's there."

We were both quiet until the doorbell rang and Kayla went to go get it.

"Do you think you'll marry Parker?" Nora suddenly asked and I was quiet.

"I'm too young to think about that stuff silly," I booped her nose to try to distract the fact that in a couple weeks this would be over, all of this would be over.

"But you've thought about it right?" she then looked up at me.

I couldn't bare to lie to Nora, "I don't know if I ever have."

"You have to know though," Nora looked at me hopeful.

"Parker has been in my life since I was really little, maybe once I did when I was five but who stays with their firsts huh?"

"Mommy and daddy did," Nora then said.

"I don't," I sighed, "I don't want to get my hopes up and I don't want you getting your either. I'm still young and so is Parker. We still have so much to live for."

"Do you love him?" Nora then asked.

She was asking a lot of questions and I was struggling to answer every single one of them because in the end I'd still lose him.

"I do," I nodded. 

"But do you love him the way mommy and daddy love each other?"

I sighed admitting the hardest questions makes it real, not admitting them is like those feelings aren't there.

"I don't know," I sighed.

"Yes you do," she nodded, "just say it."

How do I tell her it's not that easy, that admitting things isn't easy when there isn't a real foundation and knowledge that the other person feels the same way? All that there is, is lies and deceit on that foundation both Parker and I built. Yes we were honest but we weren't truthful to ourselves.

"Shhh just watch your movie please," but Nora was upset.

"Do you not love Parker?" she sat up and the tears that filled her eyes made me regret ever agreeing to this agreement. How can I tell her so that she'd understand.