I'm always reaching for you

It Hurts

You, in my imagination

Are so vivid, oh-oh

As if you are right there

But I reach out my hand

And you suddenly disappear

From all the memories stored in my heart

I gather up the ones of you, link them together

Gazing at them projected across the room

I feel you with every burst of pain

I wake up screaming. "You're ok, you're ok, calm down! Deep breathes, deep breathes." I'm panicking. Tears stream down my face. My chest is too tight and I can feel myself struggling for air. It felt so real. It always does.

My house is as silent as always. Neat and barely lived in, everything done in neutral shades. Even though I live here I can't help but feel like a guest. Someone foreign. Not necessarily unwelcome, just someone who doesn't belong.

I'm calm enough now, but too awake to go back to sleep. The nightmares are always like this. You're there, waiting for me, but when I reach out to you, you disappear. And it feels so real every time. Like I lost you all over again.

Thinking about you is what keeps me here. In this house that feels like a tomb. I'm scared to move on but also scared of what will happen if I don't let go. So I stay. I keep reaching out. And you keep disappearing.

I gather every photograph we took together, every album we made, everything we ever shared, and just... sit. It's hurting me but I can't stop. There's no escaping the memories. They're everywhere. In this room, in this house, in my heart.

"It's painful," I cry. Sometimes I wish you'd hear me and come back. But I know you won't. "Everything reminds me of you. I can't stop it. And it hurts." I'm sobbing, screaming, crying out for you. But you're gone. Leaving me torn to bits.