Dear Me,
As I opened my eyes this morning, I have this thought that something wonderful will happen today. I feel happy for no reason at all. While I’m waiting for the sun to come out, I decided to clean out my files on my bedroom cabinet. And I discovered all the old pictures and letters I had saved from my past, from the people that helped me write my life story. I’m planning to throw away everything since these letters are no longer important for me , they are occupying a lot of space and accumulating dusts and dirt. Then I decided to re- read some while I’m waiting for Mr. Sunshine, just to remind me of my Old life. I have been dragging around a lot of “old baggage” for years, and now I am ready to release it all and make room for transformations in my life.
Came across on this letter from my classmate from PLM, Llewelyn Marasigan, I never ate lunch with her, we never really “talked” but she actually gave me a letter, it is just a simple type of letter, telling you to stay safe and be happy at all times. But what made me smile is her postscript comment… “Panatiling bongga ang mga outfit.” Oh well, I guess, she knows me a little… thank you for noticing my little philosophy. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness. :)
Then there’s another letter from my “Mare” Arlyn Bonete, “I know I’m not perfect, but I’m good nman db…” Hahaha I don’t need you to be perfect, I just love you the way you are. Far from being perfect but certainly you have purest heart ever. And I really admire you for that. Thank you for making it clear that you care about me. Let me give you my glowing smile with a wink wink. :)
And then that one person who despises me for sure, Daria Liza Barsaga, ”Sana kahit hindi ako masyadong mahalaga, wag mo akong kakalimutan, Yun lng hihilingin ko sa’yo.” Let me tell you one thing, we were young and I was stupid and a selfish bitch. If there’s one thing I feel so sorry about, it was our short friendship. You are one of the most sincere person I’ve ever known. And I am sorry that I put everything to waste. You don’t deserve me because you deserve a friend who is way better than me. And hey, you will never be forgotten! I sincerely wish you happiness. :)
And of course, the only person in this world that could shut me up, Gemmalyn Llovido, your “Sana wag ka na masyadong mapanglait kc minsan nkakasakit ka na pero I’m still here for you kasi love kita.” almost made me burst into tears with HAHAHA! I’m just so thankful that you stayed with me despite and inspite of everything I have put you through. You are a rare gem and sa sobrang rare, now you see her, now you don’t ang drama. Pero it’s ok, I’ll always have you in my heart. May you always be in peace.hahaha I love you Gem. :)
When there’s Gemma, there should be Rhea Bonagua, we spent so little time together but she treated me with so much love. “I wish your happiness plagi.” And yes indeed, she gave me the chance to get to know HIM and it made me really really happy with flying hearts all over.haha She gave me that chance, and I blew it. But I still couldn’t thank you enough. I would always treasure my memories of him (JPJ). I was young and scared but he will always be my first love. No regrets. I’m glad it happened. Thank you. :)
And how could I forget, my forever partner in crime, my travel buddy, someone who knows when I am smiling, even in the dark… Melody Ann Amurao, Wow! you wrote me a letter pla, but it’s in my stationary pa, gosh you didnt even bother to buy your own! And your letter is all about you “ang payat ko pa noh? Gosh! I cant believed it payat pa tlga ako. And 08 is my number ok, not our number. ” LOL It was the most insincere letter ever but I have the most sincere friendship with you. I had the best LOL moments with you and I would never trade you for anything in this world no matter how much you crack my nerves *most of the time* with your crazy goofy antics.hehe Lez bring our craziness/bitchiness to Boracay this time! :)
The girl that I could sit down with 24/7 and talk about LIFE in general, Katherine Grace Aguaviva, “As day passes,nkikita ko na isa kang totoong tao despite the fact na sobrang isip bata ka. Pero ok lng yun, cute nman eh!” Well, that’s the kind of honesty with love. You do give honest appreciation. And I love you for that. We don’t get along that well before but let me tell you now, you are the type of friend that every person in this world should have. You compromise little differences of opinion in the interest of harmony. You are my adult friend with little insanity here and there.haha I want more time with you! LOL :)
Then one letter went straight to the trash bin without re-reading it. (Hulaan nyo knino un..hehe)
And of course… letters,letters from this very special person in the past. I was surprised that I was actually smiling while I’m re-reading all of the letters. There were no tears at all, a very funny person indeed and very creative,too… hmmmm was really inlove with me back then. No doubts about that! I’m lucky enough to be given a chance to be loved by you. I remember some really good times and I have many fond memories. I’ve worked so hard to let go of the pain and release myself from suffering. I truly hope you will do the same. I forgive you for thinking you were not worthy to be part of my life. I forgive you for the times you thought you deserved to be punished and the times you punished yourself. I forgive you for the walls you put up trying to prevent even more pain from being stored behind them. Today, I can see that I unknowingly played a role in this painful experience. I am not blaming myself, nor am I relieving you of your responsibility from your mistakes. Rather, I am taking responsibility for my part. I apologize for treating you less than you deserve, for using you and then blaming you for hurting me. However, in those times that I was lonely, I discovered things about me that I had forgotten or that I didn’t know existed. So although I have been sad, I’m grateful I’ve found “ME” in this. We met, we talked, it was epic but the sun comes down and reality sets in, we both belong to someone else. :)
And the letter that made me see life in a totally different panoramic view, “Naguguluhan ako, di ko dn alam pnagsasabi ko. May sulat ako sayo nung 2nd year, ang haba 2 pages kaso di ko binigay sayo. Kahit hndi na tayo mgkasama sa College, sna lgi mo p dn akong naalala at lagi mo naririnig ang boses ko tungo sa tamang direksyon.” Hahaha Muntik ng magdilim paningin ko Dianne Nestle Sapan, halos gumulong ako sa kakatawa. You have so many png-MMK na letters, ung iba pa nga may pagbabanta pa. :) But my biggest smile goes to you sis, you have the “greatest letter ever”. I cant imagine a single day of my life without you. All those stupid fights, hurtful words thrown out in anger, those times I took you for granted and made you want to kill yourself (LOL!), no one else in this world understands me the way you do. And everyday in my life, I will always be thankful to Him for giving me you khit madami na akong k-share sa attention and time mo, at the end of the day, kapag Lola na tayo at hndi mo na kayang mag-gala, I know we’ll always have each other over the phone talking about our grandchildren. You will always be my witness, who sees me at my worst and best, and loves me anyway. I want you to know I treasure my memories of growing up with you. I’m committed to our future filled with friendship and love. :)
I maybe be single now but I’ll always be inlove with the thought that I have this kind of people to spend my life with today, and as long as I live. I know I'm not perfect, and I made so many mistakes in the past but I’m positive that every lesson is going to be different from the last. I remember what it was like for me, way back then.
I forgive myself for the pride, and “better than other people” attitude that I carried sometimes. I know now I am where I should be, and it’s a great place to be. The pain of believing those thoughts has brought me to the place that I am now. I am a part of something bigger than me, and my purpose is a lot larger than those negative thoughts. I now forgive myself, knowing that I did the best I knew how to do. I now accept who I am, instead of judging myself. Now I don’t have to be perfect, I just need to enjoy the ride. Life is what it is, and there will be pain and sorrow, but there will be joy and love, too.
And I cant wait to write another chapter of my Life’s Moving Pages. :)
Always,
Gel
at Infernal Place called Bed for Bed-rest!
