You Had Me All Along

You Had Me All Along - Chapter 33

Chapter 33

I drove to Finn's apartment with a huge, heavy feeling in my stomach. It felt like I might throw up at any moment.  I'd never " ended it" with a guy before. I'd never been serious enough with anyone, for that. And I had never imagined having to do this, with Finn. But that was before Carson came back.

   Finn was in jeans and a t-shirt, casual but nice. His smelled good and familiar and it hit me hard how good his apartment felt, as I walked in. How good he still felt, as he hugged me. I knew what I was throwing away, but I didn't feel like I had a choice. When I thought about my future, Carson was there, no matter what.

   I crossed the room after he hugged me, knowing I wouldn't be leaving on a good note. How could I, with what I had to say? Looking around, I noticed his apartment was tidy, and he had a couple of candles burning again, in the living room. To him, this was just like any other evening that I was showing up for dinner and whatever else.

   "Dinner's just about ready," he said, smiling. He was so oblivious.

   I just stood there and tried not to think about how horrible it was that I was going to eat this meal Finn had cooked for me, before ripping his heart out and stomping on it. Maybe I should just do it now. Maybe the dinner was a bad idea.

   "Oh, okay," I said, following him towards the kitchen anyway.

   He poured us each some wine, but instead of drinking it, I took one sip and pushed it away. When a plate of pasta with chicken and veggies was in front of me, my stomach growled. It smelled amazing and I hadn't eaten all day, but eating this felt all kinds of wrong.

   "Thanks again for working today, for me." His voice filled the air, making me jump.

   "Yeah, of course." I smiled, then made the effort to jab my fork into my pasta. "So, your mom's doing better?"

   "She is. It was scary seeing her not breathing well," he answered, then sipped his drink. "It's really hitting me that I'm all she has. I mean, she's all I have, too."

   I swallowed hard before forcing myself to take another bite. I had a big family, even though they weren't all in Seaside. I had them. Finn had no siblings and no father. He just had his mom, and me. Doing this now felt so wrong, but I knew I couldn't back out now.

   I nodded, looking across the table at him. His eyes were so serious.

   "Arden, I really want to talk about... us."

   Wow. Shit. He was doing this now? Like he could have any worse timing.

   "Umm."

   "We've gone from casually being friends and co-workers and then to being together... and the last few weeks it's really felt like..."

   I dropped my fork onto the plate and it was so loud that it actually scared me. I couldn't eat, now. "Finn, I know, but -"

   "I do love you, Arden," he interrupted, his eyes so focused on mine that I had to look away. "I know you sort of freaked out when I said it, and things have been -"

   "Finn, I can't," I managed to say.

   He looked confused, as if he he really hadn't expected me to protest. After blinking a few times, he asked, "You can't what?"

   I couldn't turn back now. "I can't be with you, like that."

   "Arden, we've been sleeping together for a year. I know you wanted to keep it casual and professional, at work, and we can -"

   I placed both hands on the table, bracing myself. "Finn, it's not just that. It's not you, either. I just can't be serious with you, because of..."

   Finn's eyes darkened. He must have known what I meant now, even though I didn't say his name.  "Why? I know you're stuck in the past, but I want to be you future. I want to make you happy and -"

   "I'm sorry. I know I would end up hurting you, Finn. I have to work on myself." I was looking at my hands, my heart beating way too fast. I was such a wimp.

   "So, this has nothing to do with Carson?" I didn't say anything. "Wow. So, you're ending this with me because your ex from high school came back?" he snapped, also putting down his fork. He picked up his glass and downed the rest of his wine.

   "Finn."

   "No. You have to hear this. He left you. And now he's back in Seaside and just thinks he can take whatever he wants?" Finn was upset, obviously. But how did he know that Carson had left me? I hadn't told him the details about our relationship, or whatever it was.

   "No, Finn. I'm sorry. I guess I was always waiting for Carson," I managed to say.

   "Does he even want you? Or are you just feeling nostalgic?" Finn paused, but shook his head and kept going. "Seriously, Arden. Tell me. Does he want to be with you, like I do? Or will he leave again, if it suits him?"

   "Finn, stop."

   "I want you. I've always been here, wanting you. Now you're going to toss me aside like garbage because he is here?" Finn was not stopping.

   "No. I don't want to hurt you. I've been trying to figure out what to do, but Carson is staying in Seaside. He's in my life, and -"

   "So, you've seen him? More than just that time at your house on Christmas?" he asked, already knowing the answer.

   Christmas was weeks ago, and it felt like forever. I'd kissed and made out with Carson. I'd invited him to the park, to talk. I'd gone to see him in the middle of the night. And I hadn't told Finn about any of it.

   I nodded, in Finn's direction. He looked away, shaking his head again. "So, that's it? You picked him?"

   "I wish it wasn't me picking one of you. I want us to be friends-" I tried.

   "I have tried being your friend, Arden. It's not enough. And I have had you. I know you, and I know what you like and how to make you feel good. Arden, I've been here this whole time." His words hurt me, deeply. He was right. He'd been there for me, and with me. He knew me. I could have given more to him, but I hadn't.

   "Finn, I'm sorry." I didn't know what else to say.

   "Just don't." He jabbed some chicken onto his fork but didn't put it towards his mouth. "I can't watch him get you, be with you, when it was all I ever wanted."

   "What do you mean?" I asked, confused.

   Suddenly he was pushing away from the table and standing up. "I'll quit JumpFit. And you should go."

   "No. Finn, I didn't mean for-" I tried, but he wasn't having it.

   "Arden, I'm serious. Please, just go."

   I was too stunned to be emotional about it all until I got home. I had two texts on my phone from Carson that I couldn't even open. I had told Finn what I'd needed to say, but it didn't go as planned. Or had it? Did I really think telling him we could only be friends would go well? 

   At home, in my bedroom, I got under my blanket and cried. There was no turning back from this, now, and it scared the crap out of me. I hoped that I was right about Carson, and that going all in was not going to back fire on me.  And I prayed that Finn could forgive me, somehow.  Someday.