Overtime

First Love/Late Spring

Everybody will swear to you up and down that it gets easier. That you will come to a consensus that things are better and you'll be able to move on with your life. I want to believe that but I also believe that it's all bullshit and that I deserve to feel this pain. No one tells you that you should beat yourself up over someone taking their own life, but only if they had known that I was the one that pushed him to that point. Would they say the same thing then? Or would they agree that I'm a murderer and that I should rot?

Every moment is in slow motion while simultaneously passing like the speed of light. Days pass like seconds, weeks in minutes, months in hours and I find myself in the same state as the day it happened on the one-year anniversary. It takes everything to just get out of bed, to comb my hair, to take a shower, to brush my teeth, and to eat. The only thing I seem to have energy for is crying and inflicting pain on myself so that the hole inside me doesn't hurt as much. I can't seem to function like a normal human anymore.

What a waste of space I am.

Shoko doesn't push me even though I see her eyes scan me whenever I leave the confinements of my room she so generously lets me stay in without paying rent. Since I dropped out of college I had to move out of the dorms, which was a blessing considering Suguru's dorm was right next to mine. I knew I wouldn't be able to bear it even though I deserve that type of raw punishment.

The thought of graduating and obtaining a degree seemed so far away now. A piece of paper felt like such an asinine thing, why did I care about it in the first place? The person I was a year ago is long gone and I don't think those parts of me are ever coming back. I was so motivated, so eager for life and I was so excited for each day, but now that just feels like a withering dream. I can't imagine being excited for anything now. Nothing seems worth it. Was anything ever worth it?

My name is Satoru Gojo and I've come to the realization and acceptance that I will amount to nothing in this life.

Life has a funny way of working out and I feel like mine might serve as a punishment for one of my past lives. My parents were brutally murdered when I was 5 years old over money fraud, leaving me with my grandparents who would pass from old age when I turned 7. I ended up in the system, hopping from foster home to foster home until I aged out at 18. I've never had a sense of stability or a sense of what family is. Relationships never come easy to me considering I have very few people to model that behavior for me. I was constantly fighting with other kids and caretakers, running away, and getting into a lot of trouble because it was so obvious that nobody cared about me.

At least, until I met Suguru. I met him while in the system, he was at my second home which by far was the worst out of all of them. We became close quickly and vowed to each other at the ripe age of 9 that we would always find each other. We vowed that we would always have each other's backs because we had no one else. We both kept those promises which made him the only stable thing in my life. I was able to learn who I was as an individual when I was around him. He taught me that lashing out on my skin wasn't something I should get used to even though it was something that made me feel better. He taught me that I didn't have to marry a woman if I didn't want to. He taught me that it's okay to have a sweet tooth even though other boys shame me for it.

I don't know what I taught him.

He gave me so much to live for and I think the only thing I could provide for him was pain that wasn't as bad as the other stuff he had to deal with.

My chest hurts at the thought that the last lesson he gave me is hidden in his death. I should've listened and tried to understand. I shouldn't have allowed myself to be consumed in my own anger and worry. My selfishness was the death of him and I will always have to live with that truth. If I would've just listened and tried to see where he was coming from, maybe it wouldn't have turned out like this. Maybe he would still be here.