Overtime

Last Words of a Shooting Star

We went to bed angry at each other, even after the countless dating advice articles told us not to. Even when the elders advised us that doing that would be a mistake. Even when we knew it was wrong, we still allowed our anger to dictate our actions. I never thought that this one little thing would be my biggest regret.

The next morning feels like I've been hit by a bus. My back aches along with my throat as the memories of our argument come flooding back. I grimace at some of the things I said and immediately try to navigate how I'm going to make up for it. I sigh as I'm met with shame and guilt along with the sun shining through my blinds. The only thing I want is to say how sorry I am. That I'm an idiot and if I'm given another chance I'll do things differently. I'm young and stupid, I'm still learning about the world around me and those who decide to walk this life with me. It's always been an uphill battle and I know I couldn't have done it without him by my side. I know these are pitiful excuses and I will deserve whatever punishment he has waiting for me.

I find myself hating the sun for shining so brightly like my world isn't crashing around me.

Til the day I die, I will forever be burdened with the sight of him hanging from the ceiling. I will never forget how my body moved on its own as I released his throat and tried to breathe life back into him. The way my heart screamed for mercy when I realized that he was gone was a pain that will be forever be imprinted on my suffering soul.

My chest burns while my lungs beg for air as I clutch his lifeless body in my arms. I hold onto him like I'm holding onto the pieces of my heart that are continuing to decorate the floor of his dorm in invisible glass shards. Maybe if I squeeze him tight enough I can pull his soul back into his body. The rope slithers on the ground, like a snake that has caught his prey, to remind me that I am just the After and it is the Before. That I was the cause and it was the effect.

Maybe if I let my tears drip on his face there will be some hidden magic I never knew about that somehow brought him back to me.

If I scream at the top of my lungs may be something beyond the clouds that will hear me and at least give me a chance to make a deal or trade, my life for his. Something. Anything.

No one answered.

No one came.

No matter how tightly I held him.

No matter how much I begged, no one gave him back to me.

I feel my lungs struggling to pull air through them as warm tears stream down my cheeks. The liquid is so warm and his body is so cold in my arms. I wish I could transfer the temperature. I will never be able to take those words back. I will never be able to right my wrongs. He will always be gone and our last words to each other will always be out of anger. I hurt him and I will never be able to change that.

Maybe if I kiss him, I can breathe life back into him.

I knew it wasn't logical but I couldn't bring myself to stop from trying. However, the moment my lips met his I immediately regretted it because of how foreign they felt. No, I knew his lips as well as I knew my own and these are not his. These are cold and cracked, distant and lifeless, whereas his were always warm and soft. Always gentle and always adorned with vanilla chapstick that I had grown to love. These are not his lips. They're someone else's. But they are his, at the same time they aren't.

I held him in my arms as close to my chest as I could. I thought that if his heart could hear my heart beating it would want to mimic it. Maybe I can convince his heart to work again. None of these thoughts make any sense and I know that they're futile attempts, but still, there's a voice inside my head that keeps trying to convince me that I could bring him back. The coldness in his skin, his bones, and his muscles worked as confirmation of the loss I am forced to face. No matter how much I want to deny this truth and no matter how much I want to scream at the sky, I knew it would just be an empty room on the other end of my attempts for a deal.