joshua hong

it has always been you

12.04.20

joshua, the man i never asked to ever come in my life. some people say that love is non-existent. the "loml," what a silly term to describe another person? is love even a thing? how could someone be the love of your life when love does not exist? 

some people describe the "loml" as an affectionate person who is heartfelt towards you in everything you do. an caring being, merely by their voice, rays of sunshine scatter throughout your whole body, making you feel at home. 

others believe that the love of their life is someone that you enjoy spending time with, caring for each other, feeling comfortable, and being yourself in every way, without any worry of being judged.

i asked myself, "is joshua hong, a man that i have never met face to face, someone i can describe as the love of my life?" the first ult i ever had, the first person who i never met, yet loved so deeply. could i really be throwing that name around? 

that was until the day i met the 13 boys, i fell in love. i fell in love in october. love at first sight? possibly? i never believed in it. as well as fate. fate, an overlapping philosophical idea, a predetermined destiny. that was until, you came. seeing you for the first time, our eyes met, your gaze in mine and mine in yours, but as i blinked, that feeling swiftly disappeared, as i looked at the others. 

with no knowledge, being a new netizen to the kpop community, i immediately looked towards choosing a bias, without truly understanding each of the 13 unique personalities that laid in front of me. like tiny lights, each 13 shone, blinking in front of me. 

based on little knowledge or knowing of the group, i chose in the blink of an eye, thinking that jeonghan and junhui would be the ones for me. with that, through those few weeks, i really thought i was set on these two . i thought that i was set on them and that through this long unwavering journey with seventeen, i would never let them go and walk down two paths with these two. 

however, these tiny lights that had existed in the beginning, those 13 small lightbulbs shining brighter as i got to know the group, one lightbulb, the one i had least expected, started glaring with a white light, brighter than any other. joshua hong...someone who's name flows so perfectly through my mind and out my mouth. someone who i kept seeing over and over again, yet ignored the feeling of longing inside my heart. 

i never asked to change biases and i never asked to steer on this path with seventeen so abruptly. the love of my life, it comes down to all thirteen of these boys, but when i look to the one who is the true holder of this name, it is you. 

i looked to you as time passed, each day as my love for you continued growing, at a burning rate. i never knew i needed you, yet whenever i felt so utterly broken, you made me the happiest. i could never understand the feeling of happiness that you were able to provide, and with the other 12 boys, i really felt at home. home doesn't exist without you there. 

every day whenever i felt down, i continued to watch your videos, our gazes meeting, your eyes looking into mine, and mine in yours. simple gazes that made me smile, unable to convey or truly formulate the true description that i felt down in my stomach. maybe known as, butterflies?

you never failed to continue sprouting this feeling in me, making me really so happy. i had never felt so comfortable, looking at someone who, despite i never met, made me appreciate myself for who i am. looking up to the sky, i only wish the best for you, that i, amongst the many fans, are able to be the light in the darkness, just like you were mine.

as a carat, and more importantly, as a person, i was able to feel loved because of you. someone i never met, yet everytime my gaze met yours, this feeling felt so familiar. just imagining the day that i'd be able to reunite with you once again, being able to tell you all these things, telling you about how much you mean to me, i'd do anything to be able to do that. 

in everything you do, you have so much love for others and seeing you be able to express it, truly, one of the most beautiful things ever. hearing you speak, hearing you sing, seeing your smiles, something as simple as your voice, it feels as if everything in the world is just in the right place at the right time for once. 

in everything that he does, from little heart signs to making heart bracelets, he thinks about others so much. through his playful personality and the small yet generous and affectionate acts that he does, how could anyone not adore him? 

joshua, wherever you are, i hope that you feel at home whenever you see carats, i hope that despite the long days and all your hard work that you do, that you are able to be happy. it is what you truly deserve, more than anyone. 

deep inside, as we continued through our path together, walking hand in hand, i felt the need to protect you. was it a gut feeling? or a feeling that just grew as our love did? i just felt that i needed to make sure that you were safe and happy. that was all i wanted. 

then i ask myself once again a few months later. is love a thing? is love real? meeting you, i know that love is something real. in everything i saw, watching interviews, seeing you with your members, i felt only love and empathy, seeing you work so hard, yet keeping a bright smile up on your face at the end of the day. 

love. you were exactly what i had been searching for and asking myself. the love of my life. the love that i was searching for. the love that i aspired to feel for people around me. the love of my life, you came into my life with that beautiful smile and the biggest heart. making me feel warm, being like a lamp in the cold and dark.

your heart is so big, and i can't understand it. in a world of greed and hatred, you along with many other people bring love to wherever you go, putting others before yourself. it is simply unfathomable and impossible to be put into words in order to display my gratitude and love towards you. i will never get over and forget the first time i looked at you and i felt at home. 

joshua, please never change. i adore you for who you are, i look up to you, and really theres no one like you.

it hasn't been the longest time that i have met you, while i only known you for a few months, compared to others being there since the beginning. i feel disappointed that i couldn't meet you earlier, searching through this maze known as the earth. still, meeting you, even later, was worth it, and still is. 

how lucky was i, that the stars aligned and allowed us to meet? that God allowed me to meet you? that fate, brought us together. 

with you. it's where i want to be. throughout this journey of life that i walk, i want to walk it by your side. i want to be able to hold your hand and continue to walk through this with you. i want to cheer you on, until the end. no, not until the end, until forever. 

until forever, that's what i want with you. until forever, it is you who i want to be with. it's always been you.