Heartless Whore

Introduction

I was sitting on the porch watching every car pass by swiftly. I was waiting on my uncle to come home from the grocery store to help him with all the bags. I was messing with my fingers, when suddenly I felt my kitten, slowly cuddling on my legs. "Well aren't you a cutie pie" I said to it.  My uncle came in his red Oldsmobile, same one you were in. The same one you got so fucked up in, that you wrecked. I can not remember the last time I heard you say "I love you". Nor do I remember hearing you tell me how proud you are of me. I still have the journal you gave me, the one you wrote as child, when you were raped, and all the memories from your first kiss to your first cigarette. How in the world was I able to cope with you and all of this for the past two years...One day on my 15th birthday, I hoped to see your green eyes coming home with a present, a hug at least. All you cared about was all your drugs and alcohol. 

June 22,1998

Dear Alice, 

I am writing to you today because I found out I was pregnant with you. I felt you kick today, and the doctors say you're a healthy girl! I am so excited to meet you, so is your daddy. Your father's name is David...something, truth is he didn't have my consent in the making. When he found out i was pregnant, he was very ecstatic, all he ever wanted was a baby since his wife was incapable of doing so. I loved him Alice, he doesn't feel the same. Promise me Alice you will never fall in love, remember what ever falls, breaks. And i do not want to see you broken. 

               With love, Your mommy, Lara.

I helped my uncle with the groceries, my aunt was in the kitchen preparing dinner. My uncle which is my mom's brother often talks to me about my mom, which i enjoy a lot simply because when someone is gone for such a long time, you miss them, and you could talk about them for hours. I remember my mom told me she often talked to ghosts, and Lord knows if it was the vodka talking or her real words. Last time i saw her sober, was after the wreck, since she had no way of using her addictions. I've never missed anyone as much as i missed her...Just kidding, you came around and i can't decide which i miss more, the one who gave me strength to cope but decided I wasn't enough, or the one who chose drugs and constantly reminded me how i was never enough.