3 A.M. Thoughts

My D 'N' A

I hate my life.

You're probably gonna ask me "why? What's so bad about your life?" or you'll tell me "you shouldn't hate your life, you have so many blessings." or "you're just doing this for attention"

But...

When you're gasping for air that you can't catch, what do you do?

Keep trying to breathe?

Panic?

Or just stop altogether?

When you're screaming for help that isn't there, that no one can hear, then what?

Do you scream louder until your lungs and vocal cords give out and bleed?

Or do you just stop because you know no one can ever hear your screams?

For your dignity and self-control is out of your very hands. After hours of trying to sleep but your mind gives you millions of reasons to stay up and hurt your wrists with rubber bands...

But that won't be enough to satisfy, for your body is clear and dry.

You try to shake off the thought but it keeps coming back to haunt you throughout your whole damned day, the voices in your head won't shut the fuck up anyway.

You will fidget, bite your nails, bounce your leg, look around frantically, whatever you can to not think about it, you start to question yourself "would anyone care or miss me if I was gone? I doubt it"

You start to get overwhelmed over little things or situations. You pace around the room without hesitation.

You go downstairs to talk to your parents, but that doesn't help shit, it just makes it worse, since you have a hard time explaining it.

They could never understand, you wish they knew, but then again, they would put you on more pills too

You think about how they just think you're being dramatic, or you're always trying to be so negative, it angers you at the thought, you've had it.

You remember how they compare your life to theirs or others, "You should be grateful, you have it better than your mother"

Do what they say or else, you have to walk on eggshells and not be yourself

Every word that comes out of your mouth is a mistake, just like you are, but you try not to break

According to everyone else, you have no struggle since you have clothes on your back and a roof over your head, little do they know that you used to cry yourself to sleep in bed

You can't talk about the food in your belly because then you decide to starve yourself one day, then to decide to eat like a pig the next. You wish that you could have control over your life and decisions but since you're not "grown" you can't decide if you should end it all, or go to a party and have sex

Damn it! You forgot to finish your homework, but at that moment you really didn't care, for grades was all the parents cared about so you wouldn't be an embarrassment to the others who were looking there

You wonder if you should text a friend but you change your mind, it's not like they would care about what you find...

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Hey guys...

I know I haven't updated in a while, but I have been writing a bit of poetry during quarantine. 

There are going to be 3 more parts of "My D 'N' A" cuz like I wrote like 8 pages, so I'm gonna be doing 2 at a time, I plan on updating the D N A every Thursday, and I may share other poetry I've written along the way

I beg of you, do not report this or ask me personal questions of what's been going on, regardless if you know me in real life or not. I just kinda thought that this might be my way of letting things out, I don't know, like a diary or some shit.

If you guys can relate to anything I wrote, please tell me in the comments, you don't have to tell me anything personal if you do not want to.

I want you guys to know you're not alone, whatever you guys are going through, and if you think nobody loves you, that's bullshit, cuz I love you 😘

Aight, til' next time, my black roses 🖤🌹