jihoon's muse

Chapter 44: brother?

As I took a seat at a vacant table at the cafeteria, my gaze swept across the room. Students shuffled about, some carrying trays of hot food. The reporter, whose name I finally remembered to be Jina, told me she would just meet me at the cafeteria. It was open to the public so there was no issue with her entering.

My main concern was whether she could actually navigate her way through the large campus. She was already five minutes late. Perhaps I should I give her a call to check on her-

"Hey!" I heard a voice behind me, followed by a tap on my shoulder.

Startled, I whipped my head around to see the reporter all smiles. The lady was in a more casual fit today. She had on a light brown blouse under a short dark brown checkered dress. Her hair which was last seen in a mid-ponytail was now let down and styled into waves. She tugged at her matching beret and giggled.

Compared to the formal suit and minimal makeup combination she had on the last time I saw her, this was a breath of fresh air. She looked pretty adorable.

She plopped herself on the seat across mine.

While I was still processing everything, she tapped me on the arm. "So what did you think about the video? You haven't answered me regarding that," she spoke casually. I was dumbfounded.

I quickly readjusted myself and recalled the video. Thankfully, there was nothing there that could get me into big trouble. Not every plan revealed is a plan that has been put into motion.

"It was actually pretty cool! I liked the pacing. I can't say much about the editing but it's nice," I complimented her and her smile grew wider.

As we spoke over lunch, it was as if she never hounded me for answers just last month. She spoke candidly as if we were the same age. Though she was older than me by two years, she felt like a younger sister.

Speaking of younger sibling, I wonder how Wonjae is doing...

"You mentioned my family members the other day. Have you ever spoken to or seen them?" I asked her. "How did you find out about them?"

"Stalking," she answered proudly with a grin spreading across her face. That sure came out pretty sinister...

I cringed and she laughed. "Journalists do it often to get information. I found a magazine article about your mother and she spoke briefly about her children. I think it was... Nine to 10 years ago? There was a family picture too! You were so adorable as a kid!" she explained and I smiled bitterly.

I remembered that day. Wonjae and I were forced to huddle together with mother and father on the sofa in the living room as a photographer took our picture. She scolded me after because I was not smiling enough...

"Then how did you find out about Wonjae's current school?" I asked, with a glimmer of hope she knew of his current condition.

"Oh... Your brother? Social media. Your mother posted a picture of him receiving an award at school," she answered.

She studied my facial expression before leaning forward. Fuck, she definitely sensed I was off.

"Why doesn't she ever post about you?" she asked curiously. "If I recall correctly, you refused to talk about your family at all during the interview."

My breath hitched in my throat. I knew why but... Should she know? I had been avoiding talking about my family ever since I met her. Either way, she would interrogate me for the answer. I sighed.

"My parents have always been against me pursuing music. I left the house after graduating high school. So since then, we haven't... spoken to each other. So I don't want anything to do with them," I told her.

She sympathised with me and pat me on the hand. I slowly moved my hand away.

"I'm sorry it had to be that way..." she said. Then she sat up straight and expressed, "You're doing well though! Even if you had to leave, I think you made the right choice! Your happiness first, right?"

"Yeah... I'm better off now," I smiled weakly.

All of a sudden, she jolted, straightening her back. She pulled out her phone and tapped on it frantically. Then she held her phone out to me. I almost dropped my utensils.

On her screen was a FriendBook post put up by none other than Yoon Minji a few months ago. She posted a photo of the 3-person family at an award-giving ceremony. It was stated very clearly in the caption that my brother was receiving an award for coming first in a Mathematics Olympiad. Good for him. Jina nudged the phone towards me and I took the phone into my hands.

Instinctively, I zoomed in on my brother in the photos. He seemed alright. He was happy and smiling. No bruises or scars in sight (and hopefully there were none under the crisp uniform he had on). They even had a lavish dinner afterwards.

Gee... I wonder if I ever got that... This was a norm to me by now. I learnt to accept this favouritism. If it meant my brother would not have to suffer the same treatment as me, that was good enough.

Now that I thought about it, he had not reached out to me for a few years. We still kept in contact secretly after I left but he was soon found out by my parents; and was told to cease all contact with me. Then never again.

Did he even want to talk to me after all these years?

Nonetheless, being able to see my brother's face after so long was relieving. He was alive by the looks of it. Unsure if he was truly well, but he had always been compared to me. It made tears begin to build up but I cleared my throat and handed it back to Jina before any emotions overtook me. I blinked multiple times as I tried to hold back my tears.

"Ah, nothing out of the norm. My brother has always been a prodigy," I remarked, trying to come across as ignorant.

Jina then asked me about my own social media account. The last time I posted was about two months ago.

"Has anyone told you that you look a little like Heize?" she asked me, going off on another tangent.

I shook my head. No one has really mentioned that to me. They probably did not want anymore "good" qualities about me. Felicia sure had no issue listing all the bad ones.

She then went on to mention that the upper part of my face- mainly my eyes- resembled the solo artist. She also pointed out that I differed in the lower half of my face- namely my squarish jaw and wider nose. The specifics freaked me out but if they were true, then so be it.

"It's not that obvious but I can't stop seeing it now after a viewer pointed it out," she said while gazing at my features.

I felt uncomfortable with her staring at my face intensely as her eyes focused on every feature of my face. Never have I considered myself pretty or resembling any celebrity in any way. I just thought I was meh. But I did not really care. I would forego a pretty face for a successful career any day.

Jina then got back on track and asked about my opinions on social media.

"I only use it for contacts and to keep myself updated with artists I like as well as friends. I could discuss social media more in-depth but that might take an hour or so. To summarise my take: People use it to feel good about themselves. Some use it to make others feel bad. Frankly, I don't care. I just come to gain knowledge and keep myself updated then I log off."

"That's true," she commented. "People your age who I have met are all active on social media. You don't really post often do you? Let me see..." She brought up the social media application on her phone and searched up my account. After the interview, we added each other on Socialgram. Though I barely posted, her posts were often seen on my timeline. Jina gasped and covered her mouth. "Three months ago? Do you use the story feature at least?" she asked and I shook my head. She was utterly surprised. Just like any other acquaintance I told this too.

She glanced at me and then her phone screen. She tapped and scrolled on her phone.

"You really do just log in, look around and log out, huh? You sure follow a lot of educational and meme accounts. Do you share their posts?" she continued to probe further.

"Occasionally..."

As she continued asking me about my social media habits over lunch, I answered honestly and simply. She brought up some good points on working on my engagement. Though I would need to mull over this for a while.

Jina also shared some feedback and comments from the video I did with her. She further urged me to accept the piling friend requests and try posting a little more frequently. I made a mental note to consult Chaerin on this. After all, her account had a pretty big following of 5,000.

Just then, my eyes caught on to a familiar figure sashaying in the distance. A girl my age with light brown hair styled into bouncy waves. Her signature baby pink headband matched her preppy checkered skirt and vest. Her eyes met mine and a scowl formed on her face.  She strutted my way, the heels of her knee-high boots clacking on the tiled floors of the cafeteria.

She stopped right at my table and eyed both of us. Then she raised an eyebrow and gestured to Jina.

"Did you pay her to do a video with you? What a clout chaser," she rolled her eyes.

Her entourage who she called her friends scoffed and shook their head in disappointment.

But of course, Felicia always had so much to say about me. She might as well write an essay about me. "Just so you know, this bitch here is arrogant and thinks too highly to herself. She isn't as great as you think. Her parents are rich. She bought her way to the top," she spoke with a satisfied grin on her face. She pointed to me as she stressed on some words.

I frowned as my blood began to boil, but Jina only smiled. She stuck her hand out to Felicia. "Hi, I'm Jina. What's your name?" she introduced herself.

Felicia's eyes widened in surprise for a brief moment, before she took Jina's hand and shook it.

Her grin now a forced smile, she introduced herself. "Felicia. A... classmate of Eunjae's. I'm a pretty good producer and songwriter myself too but unlike this one here, I work hard," she said with sarcasm.

"I apologise if you've ever felt wronged by Eunjae. Though, from what Eunjae has told me and seeing how the song she made for Raina made it to the charts, I can't say I agree with you," Jina spoke earnestly.

The pretty producer crossed her arms. "Don't tell me you can't see right through her as a journalist? Do you believe her? Please! I've been her classmate for most of my time here and I know her ways," she snarled.

Yikes! She pulled the profession card. Wonder what's next in her deck...

Jina remained calm. It was perplexing how she kept her cool so effortlessly. I watched her stand up so she could be eye-to-eye with the other woman.

"I have seen the proof and hence I believe her. Unless you have evidence that tells me otherwise. Being a classmate for two years does not make you a credible source. On top of the fact you just insulted her and got some facts wrong, it leads me to believe you have an ulterior motive-"

"I got nothing wrong!" she flared up and insisted.

"Then tell me about her family. Tell me if she has siblings. Tell me just who she is paying off and how much. Maybe her MBTI and zodiac sign since you know her so well," Jina snapped.

Felicia fell silent for a moment. She leaned back and pursed her lips. Her eyes looked up to the top left corner. Was she going to cry? Hahaha fuck yeah! Go, Jina!

"Go on," Jina prompted her. "Tell me."

Felicia threw her arms down and clicked her tongue. "I can't be bothered with people like you. You are the one who is not credible!" she threw a tantrum before storming off.

One of her "friends" came up to me, stuck her tongue out and flicked me on the arm before leaving.

I waited they were out of sight before bursting out into laughter. Jina sat back down and took a deep breath before joining me.

"How do you do that?" I asked her.

"Do what?" she tilted her head.

"Face her so calmly."

She chuckled and looked down for a second before looking back at me. Then she shrugged before she gave me her answer, "I deal with such people from time to time and as a journalist, I always have to remain objective and grounded. What they seek is a reaction. Don't give it to them," she said to me. "No matter what happens, control yourself."

"Easy for you to say... I got into a few fights with her the past few years..." I recalled, pulling at the hem of my sweatshirt. "She can pack quite a punch."

"Wait, PHYSICAL FIGHTS?!" Jina realised and I nodded. "That's brutal... Who started them?" she asked.

I hummed as I looked back on the fights I had. The one in front of the studios, the one in the middle of class and that one time right outside class.

"She provoked me and accused me of many things. Then I lost my temper and hit her. Because I thought she deserved it at that time. There was once she grabbed me by the shirt to taunt me and I... Gave in. The moment I hit her, a teacher came round the corner and saw me. I almost got suspended big time for that," I mentioned, now regretting it.

Jina sighed and rubbed her temples. She questioned my decision-making at that time.

"I have a bad temper. She also knew the nerves to hit to offend me directly. But... I think I'm a little calmer now. I would have slapped her right there from the first line she said if it were me from four months ago." I admitted.

"Oh? what happened over the past few months that made you change? Was it your internship?" she asked.

Oh, fuck! I can't tell her that I got emotional guidance from Jihoon a.k.a VOBO.

"I... Don't want to say but it wasn't that," I answered vaguely, dodging the question.

Jina then took a glance at her watch and stood back up. She lifted her tray and I went over to return our trays with her.

"I would love to chat more but... I've gotta go," she mentioned.

"Date?" I asked.

Immediately, her cheeks turned pink. She smiled and looked away as her shoulders lifted slightly. That was enough to answer my question.

I wished her all the best and then she asked me, "have you dated before?"

"Nope," I answered without hesitation. "Never really thought about it and neither do I bother with it."

"Oh... I see. Thought I'd ask you because I need date venue ideas," she mentioned.

Just at the mention of dating and she turned into a hermit, barely peeking out of its shell. This must be her first-ever date or the first-ever guy she was dating.

"Sorry I can't give you much advice but... You can stop by the cafe I work at and share a bingsu with your date. We're coming out with a new menu item soon but I can text you when it comes out if you'd like," I offered.

Her eyes that were pointed mostly to the floor now shot up to me. They shone as she thanked me.

"That would be great! Thank you!" she exclaimed.

And with that, I had just successfully promoted my cafe smoothly.


-//-


I stood in a white infinite corridor. where there was no sight to the end. White doors lined the walls of the corridors but I subconsciously knew they could not be opened. I took a step and heard splashes. It was then that I realised the corridor was flooded with clear water up to my ankles.

All of a sudden, a boy came out from one of the doors and stood in the corridor. He glanced over at me. Immediately, I recognised him as Wonjae. My feet moving quickly as I brisked over to him. The boy looked just like Wonjae when he was in middle school.

It was not until I was two feet away from him that he suddenly took off. He sprinted further down the infinite corridor. I took chase, trying to catch up to him.

"Wonjae!" I yelled. "Wonjae come back!" I screamed at the brother look-alike who was zooming down the corridor and taking sudden turns into newly-open corridors branching out from this main one.

Eventually, we reached a dead end. The boy stood facing the wall. While I was panting, he was not. I caught up to the boy and tapped him on the shoulder. I called out to him but he did not respond. He breathed deeply.

I turned him around by the shoulders and his body followed sluggishly. His eyes were closed.

"Wonjae, it's me. Eunjae-noona-"

Right as I said that, his eyes flew open to reveal pitch-black eyes. Even the whites of his eyes had turned black. They were void of emotion and it was all too familiar- something I saw in myself before. Not a speck of life. It almost drew me in.

In a panicked state, I shook his shoulders. I called to him over and over and over again. I begged him to say something. Anything! How did he get like this? Fear gripped my heart and the feeling grew more overwhelming as he continued to stare at me with his empty gaze.

Then he frowned.

"Who... Are... You...?" he spoke slowly. His head tilted rigidly and I heard a crack.

It was as if my mouth was glued shut. I did not even know what to say. I could only put my hand on my chest.

He took a step forward and I took a step backwards.

"Are you really my sister?"

Though I no longer recognised the face, the voice was very much my brother's. It was difficult to believe but at that time, I believed it was him.

He took another step forward and I took another step backwards.

"You're a pathetic excuse for a sister. Selfish. Ignorant. Irresponsible."

His words hit me hard. I was taken aback but... They were thoughts I had. Were they true?

He took three steps forward and I took four steps backwards, almost tripping over myself. The entire time, my eyes focused on the abyss in his eyes.

"Why? Why did you leave? You left without remorse. You left ME without remorse."

That was not what I felt. That was not how it was. I would tell it all to him over again but my lips were sealed. My ability to speak was non-existent within these... walls... I took a look around and noticed that there were now splatters of maroon red on the white walls. When did they appear?

I faced the being in front of me and he was right in front of me. There was no time to step back this time.

"Who... Are... You...?"

The thing I believed to be my brother asked me one last time before I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen. I looked down to see him stabbing my abdomen with his own hand as if it were a knife.

Then I blacked out.

-//-

The moment his hand pierced through me, I woke up. I sat up right away in anxiety. My entire body was drenched in sweat despite the air-conditioning. I had to take a moment to take deep breaths to regulate my heavy breathing. The dream played back to me in bits and I held my head in my hands. My face was wet.

With my own tears.

When did I cry?

I lifted my shirt to see no marks on my abdomen. It felt so real. The pain felt real.

The bedside lamp was turned on and Chaerin sat up. She took a look at the time and mumbled it out. 5.25am...

She rubbed her eyes, "Are you ok?" she asked me.

"I just had a nightmare. That's all..." I told her.

"Wanna tell me about it?" she offered despite how sleepy she was.

I forced a smile.

"It's fine. I dont remember it," I lied to her and we laid back down on the bed.

Chae fell right back asleep while I stared at the blank ceiling. My eyes were wide open. These after-thoughts circling my mind.

Was it all true? Did he feel that way? Does Wonjae hate me?

Does Wonjae still acknowledge me as his sister?