Random thoughts

idek

   STOP. STOP. STOP.

  Do the... do the feels ever just hit you so hard, you, you just want to... scream?

  You feel like you'll vomit, and you want to cry, and kick, and thrash, and just have a major freak out?

  I'm not talking about the crazy fan girl feels. I'm talking emotion shit. That stuff that needs to go. Just go away, because sometimes all of those weird emotions decide to be whores, and mingle and make you feel so... so... mad, and sad, and alone.

   It may just be one brand new slut emotion, and if it is... it needs to go away with its whore friends, I can't stand this.

   I'm going crazy. I must be a loonatic. I can't do anything correctly. It's all going awry. I don't know what to do, say, think. I have to do this, but how. If I follow someone else's word, I'll never find my own, but, how do I find my own? How do I fix this.

  Can I fix this?

  I can't do anything.

  Not right now.

  I can't think, the music is my new thoughts. I can't play a stupid game, my attention span won't coaperate. I can't write any of my other stories.

  I can only settle for laying like a log, letting everything consume me, or I can go with choice two. Writing here.... I can't do anything else but write here, right here in this book...

  Is this my new home?

  This is the only place I feel... I kinda feel comfortable I guess. This is the only place I can explain, because you guys will listen, real or not... I can write it, and get it out of my body.... and, I'm lucky that some of you guys may actually understand me... thats hard, because I can't even understand  myslef...

  I don't know who I am...

  All of my friends are perfect, they know what's going on, and they don't need me, half the time they don't even see me, I'm just a bystander.

   But, I I may not like it sometimes but I'd give up a lot for most of my friends... but I just... I don't think I fit in with them, and once in hang out with the people I do fit in with... I don't belong with anybody, like... people hate my people... I have to put on my second face most of the time because my friends (people I'm forced to be with) are making fun of my true friends...

  I can't do it anymore... everybody loves those friends. But... they make fun of my people. And then, my actual friends, the ones I like love those friends.

  I don't fit in with them

  They know I have several faces, and they don't like me... but I like them, I try, I want to fit in but he'll it is hard... fuck.

  I don't know what how when where why...

  I can't... my family doesn't even know me... maybe this isn't me... because nobody knows what I think is me, they see someone I don't, until I need them, and I need their support, they see that weirdo that I really am, and they kinda ignore me and I can't...

  I spent I don't know 8 years of my life being some fake person, trying to impress the guy everybody has a crush on, and now, I've ruined myslef so much... I've crumbled what I could be...

  But, if you loom at it... I've helped myself. By following him, I learned to push, and fight and yes, I've picked up your retarded show off trait, because I always gain that need to be a douche...

  I hate jt.. all of it...

  I need help... I'm tired...

  I'm going to let the music consume me now.

  ✌