Lost In You

p r e f a c e

god. im so close. tears prick in my eyes, they start to fall onto my cheeks. It's all coming back. the

partially open bedroom door. the blood. the knife beside her so still body.god. she was so still. and

cold, she was so cold. so many cloths and towels wiping the mess away.

no matter how much i tried i couldnt wash the red from those towels and.... the floors. streaks of

blood

underneath her on the hardwood floors. baby brady screaming in terror. i can't stand this.

I'm standing exactly where i found her three years ago, i can see it. all of it. every detail. my memory

so vivid all of the sudden, like it was just yesterday when i found my mother in this room, bleeding

out.

I clasp the sides of my head and close my eyes. ok. breathe. just breathe, Emma. i inhale, then

exhale. once. twice. three times. it's getting better. i'm coming back to reality. i'm crying now. i feel

sobs vibrating  through my chest, heaving, pained sobs. I want to just breathe,to stop the sobs, but

my body defies me. My legs are limp beneath me and before i know it i'm curled up on the floor with t

he wall behind me.

"Emma!"

i feel him at my side before his voice rings in my ears. oh, no. he's worried. His arms wrap

around me, it feels so good to be held right now. 

"no, jason. no....no"

i croak out, trying worthlessly to push him away. I feel so weak, why am i so

weak? i don't have the energy to shove him away, to keep him at arms length, like i have done so

many times before. He just tightens his arms around me. 

"go away jason, just leave, please....."

i whisper, knowing i can't fend him off. in all honestly, i know i

don't want him to go. i want to be right here in his arms, but the threat of being hurt is too much to

bear. i won't do it. i can't. I let my head rest on his chest in defeat and take another deep breath. 

"you remember, don't you?" jason's voice whispers next to my ear. he's so warm. I finally reach his

eyes and realize they're full of tears. His eyes lock into mine and i let go. there's no point to pushing  

him away now. he's here. and he's not about to go anywhere, i know that now. I nod and clasp his

face in both my hands. 

"you're here...." i whisper, he smirks a little, his face brightening fractionally as he lifts my hand to his lips and places a kiss to my palm. 

"where else would i be? i'm here, emma. and im not going anywhere." 

his eyes are so genuine, like he needs to say these things to me, like he can't bear to be without me.

how does he do that? he just makes me forget everything but him and those gorgeous eyes.

"but......"

i say, trying again to struggle out of his arms. he just pulls me closer and rests his forehead

gently to mine. his breath smells heavenly.

"let me in. i promise you i will never hurt you intentionally. trust me. try, emma."

He acts like its so easy. i love him, more than anything. but, if he hurts me, i couldn't bear that.

"Jason..... it's not that easy. i put up walls for a reason."

he looks into my eyes softly and shakes his head no. i open my mouth to protest and he puts his

finger to my lips to stop me. His hand clasps the back of my neck and he pulls me to him. The

electricity

between us coarses between us, and i can't control myself anymore. i need him. Maybe i always

have.

His lips close over mine and i surrender to his rythym. God. his breath mingles with mine. I'm ice and

he's fire. His tongue explores my mouth and i let him in. physically and emotionally. i am his. i just

pray to god he knows how much i need him. i want him. 

I'm swept up in the taste and feel of him, in every touch of his hand. He pulls away just an inch and

kisses the side of my mouth gently. 

"i will never let you go." he whispers, pulling back even more to meet my eyes. He caresses my face

sweetly and it feels as if he's looking right into the deepest corners of my soul. 

"i love you, Emma." he says, pressing his lips to my forehead before taking me in his arms, in an

embrace so that there isn't even an inch between us. 

i love you. he loves me. and because of that simple truth, i know now that i can trust him. he won't

hurt me. i can let go and truly let him in. 

I tighten my arms around his back and bury my face in his hoodie as my tears fall relentlessly.

"i love you too, jason." i whisper as he rocks me and holds me so tenderly i begin to cry all over

again.