Carmela + Amos

Chapter 10 - Carmela

Dear Diary,

           I've made many shameful decisions in life that I'm not proud of. I'm sure you've caught on by now how incredibly dumb I can be, and there are so many things I wish I could take back. Like the time I got wasted on a Sunday with friends, puked all over the place, and was followed by a man in a black Towncar who tried convincing me he was a taxi driver. He even got out of the car and put his hands on me, but a split second of sobriety gave me the will to shove him and run back to the restaurant. Even now, I shiver over the memory.

And I know what you're thinking. How could a woman whose husband is an alcoholic do that? It wasn't like me to drink so much. Especially after the tour, but every once in a while, I enjoyed the escape of having a good time with friends. We usually had brunch, but on that night, we went out for dinner and drinks, and it was the first time in a long time that I felt like myself again. Where I could be Carmela instead of Rodrigo's wife. I wore a sparkling dress, my curls never looked better, and I danced and laughed all night.

However, even great nights can turn vicious, and I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since. But not all of my memories are full of regret.

It was three months into the tour, and I had fought hard to squelch the growing attraction to Ben. It didn't help that he was no longer avoiding me. He'd seek me out backstage and see me sitting alone in some corner, reading. I often retreated whenever Rodrigo was on a bender, and books became my escape from him.

Ben became my escape from him.

He'd sit there with me, and we would talk about everything and sometimes nothing. Other times it was just silly conversation where we joked and teased. I like to think I brought out his playful side, which not everyone saw. Everyone else saw his quiet, intimidating side—the tall bassist who brooded in corners while everyone else partied. But with me, he revealed his inner layers. With me, he was honest and would let me in on his secrets.

Our friendship grew, and my attraction intensified with each passing day. I wanted him. Badly.

The opportunity came in New Mexico.

The band's manager had arranged for us to share a tour bus with Leo's band by that point. It was a crowded space, especially near the bunks, where we had to walk sideways and suck in our guts as another person passed by. Yet, I had zero complaints whenever I had to squeeze passed Ben. That afternoon as we traveled to Albuquerque, I had been sitting with Rodrigo in the front, his hand on my knee while scribbling lyrics into a notepad. He always had his head in a notebook when he wasn't blitzed off substances or doting on me. I admired that about him. 

We were having a good day. His head seemed clear, and we cuddled like the lovebirds we were that first month we met. I even forgot about my growing attraction to Ben since my heart was too full in our moment of normalcy, but my bladder had other plans. So, I peeled away from Rodrigo.

"Where are you going? Stay with me," he begged me with kisses all over my knuckles.

"I have to pee," I giggled. 

"Then come back quick. You're my lightbulb. The ideas pour out of me when you're beside me." 

"Ok." I grinned and bent, giving him a peck on the lips before disappearing behind the partition separating the front of the bus from the back. 

Sometimes the bus had an unsteady rhythm as the tires bounced over the highway, which forced all of us to work on our balance while walking around. However, this stretch of road was extra bumpy, so I held onto whatever I could while making my way towards the back where the bathroom was. While passing the bunks, Leo and Melody were all over each other in one of them, not even bothering to close their curtain. Melody glanced up and winked before shoving her tongue down Leo's throat. When I reached the bathroom, Ben opened the door, his hair wet from showering and the steam seeping behind him.