You've Changed | Wangxian |

Chapter 17 - Nightmares

Lan Wangji's POV

His body felt so small and light in my arms as I carried him. They had hurt him so badly and the thought of what may have happened to him if we had not met chilled me. I completely believed that he would have just let himself be killed to save us from the suffering of the truth. This moment that I had wanted for forever - to be able to hold him and protect him - was overshadowed by the dreadful circumstance. He was back but was he safe? He was so weak; physically and mentally vulnerable but I knew he wouldn't let us help him. He would always choose to suffer in silence whilst pasting on his perfectly mastered smile.

I wanted him to be able to trust me. My heart ached and longed for something that couldn't happen. He was no longer the same Wei Ying that teased me in the Cloud Recesses, that joked and lifted morale in the cave of the Xuanwu, who's arrogance and confidence allowed us to hope when we were in Qishan. But thinking back, was any of that real?

Seeing how easily he could slip into the character, was that really him? Was he merely pretending to be so naive and self-centred to reduce the tension and seriousness of the situation? Only pretending to be able to cope so that the others would still have faith? 

I knew of his past, but only vaguely through rumours and stories that had spread. I had assumed the trauma associated with the death of his parents, being forced half starved onto the streets, facing constant untruths and bullying by Madame Yu... hadn't run that deep: that his obsolete optimism combined with his young age at the time had allowed him to forget, but maybe I was wrong. His horrendous mistreatment could be traced back all the way from the death of his parents - the prejudice, the sense of inferiority, the violence - perhaps the incident with the Wens wasn't the only time he was badly wronged.

_______________________________

We arrived at the inn and I rushed straight to the room. We had stayed there the night before so everything was already in place. It was a small place so I brought Wei Ying to the room that Jiang Cheng and I shared. It was almost a blessing in disguise as it prevented disputes on where he should be and who would look after him. 

Inside the room there was a singular bed and mattresses on the floor. Hurriedly, I gently placed his still form on the bed; we would take the floor. I stepped back and under the rooms dim lighting I was able to take my first close up look at him. 

He looked horrendous.

But he was still my Wei Ying. And I loved him all the more for his courage and bravery.

A sheen of sweat coated his forehead and arms so I began to undress his outer robes and found a clean cloth and some water. I sponge-bathed him and placed a cool towel on his forehead in an attempt to reduce the fever. The only thing I could think was how vulnerable he looked in that moment. 

I will kill anyone who ever hurts him again and avenge him for those who have hurt him before.

_________________________________

Jiang Cheng arrived a few minutes later, haggard and unkempt. We exchanged worried glances before silently retreating to our respective sides of the room. After half and hour or so, the tell tale signs of sleep could be heard. We were all shattered and exhausted but try as I might, I couldn't will myself to fall asleep. 

I waited and waited before moving to check on Wei Ying. I exchanged the towel and found myself just staring and lightly tracing his features with my thumb. Coming to my senses, I quickly recoiled and sat back on my mattress but I couldn't pull my eyes away.

I sat like that, watching, until the early hours of the morning. Sleep threatened to overcome me but I persisted. Wei Ying groaned quietly in his sleep. The groans became gradually more distinct as cries and anguish, the shaking had recommenced worse than before. He was screaming so I rushed over to shake him awake. 

I grabbed him and pulled his struggling form into my chest telling him over and over to 'wake up' and that it was 'only a dream' but nothing worked. Jiang Cheng had began to stir too, worry clear on his face. 

Then he woke up, panicked and trembling he continued to scream and shoved me away before cowering against the far corner of the bed, muttering quiet incantations under his breath. I tried to approach but it made him worse, he was almost senseless. I had forgotten the extent of his injuries until his blank, vacant eyes stared back searching in my direction. He was blind and too stressed to think to gather the dark energy to combat it. It was a new thing. How horrifying must it be to wake up from a nightmare only to find yourself trapped by an unknown and pitched into impermeable black?

I tried calling out to him that everything was okay. I told him it was me but he was too hysterical. Only repeating the constant whispers of, "No". The situation was going nowhere and if no one interfered it would escalate into a full blown panic attack and hyperventilation. 

Quickly, I made my way over to him, engulfing him in a strong embrace. Given his current weakened state he was easier to suppress but he wouldn't give in. I held him close to me and whispered calm reassurances until he had begun to calm down. He nuzzled into my robes inhaling the strong sandalwood scent before falling back into a peaceful unconsciousness.

I tried to pry him off of me once I knew he was okay but his grip only tightened. Perhaps I didn't really try that hard to remove him but after Jiang Cheng realised it was a useless endeavour, he left to go back to sleep. And for what felt like the first time in ages, I finally slipped into a deep, restful sleep.

-----------------------------------------------------

Author's Note:

Hi! Hope you enjoyed this update. It's a bit longer than normal. I have a question for you readers: Would you prefer a happy or sad ending? (don't panic, we are definitely not at the end yet, but I have two different story progressions in mind which I kind of need to begin to set in motion). Please write your opinions / thoughts in the comments and please vote!