Before He Makes Me The Bad Person...

Before He Makes Me Out The Be The Bad Person...

Before he makes me out to be the bad person,
ask him about how much I stayed home just for him.
Before he makes me out to be the bad person,
don't let him forget about all the times that I was almost out of money but still bought him that thing he wanted...
Before he lets you think I was doing him wrong,
don't let him forget about all the times he went through my phone because I had nothing to hide.
BUT YET IF I EVEN LOOKED AT HIS PHONE HE HAD TO MOVE IT??
Before he lets you think I made him feel like a shitty person when in fact,
he constantly put me down about anything I did, I wouldn't dare make a list.
Before he makes you think I was the abusive one because of that one time I bit him and drew blood,
don't let him forget that he had just slammed and pinned me to the ground which left scars on my back and after he let me up he held me so I couldn't actually stand up but only walk...

Let's not forget all the times that I've taken days off work, losing money that I knew I didn't have,
just to spend time with him...
Or how about all the times he accused me of cheating on him,
but come to find out he was already ready to move on.
What about the ring he claimed to have had on the way for me that was supposed to be there that weekend?
Oh yeah. I forgot he's an uncontrollable liar.

Let's not forget all the times he would threaten not only me but my family as well,
yet never once would I have ever thought about hurting any of them, I loved them...
Can I also mention the fact that he claimed he couldn't live without me,
but yet he was constantly telling me to leave "like I wanted."
I chose to stay with him through thick and thin,
All because I knew there was a better person deep down.

There was a person who wouldn't even dare to think about putting a hand on me.
A person who was sweet all the time no matter what shit he heard about me.
Someone who looked at me like I was golden, or just the light at the end of their tunnel,
but at some point that look faded.
The look he gave me wasn't the same after some point and I'm not sure when.

The look he began to give me was almost menacing,
he looked at me as if he owned me, like I was now a piece of his property.
I felt like I was in a prison almost,
I wasn't allowed to have friends, I wasn't allowed to go out, even if it was with family.
If I spent more time than I intended then I was going to be screamed at.
If I told him the truth about himself is when he would be the worst.
That's when he would put his hands on me.
One time he almost killed me, and he knew what he was doing.
He pinned me on the stairs,
then the grabbed my throat and started to squeeze.
He squeezed tighter and tighter.
I tried to fight back as hard as could.
I stared to lose my strength,
Then I started to lose feeling through my entire body,
Then I started to black out.
I don't remember much more other than opening my eyes to him standing over me on the stairs.

He didn't care that he hurt me,
Or that he left a bruise ring around my throat,
That I in fact still had when I started my new job.
It was light enough that nobody would see it if they weren't really looking.
I just knew I could at least partially hide it with my hair.
I did anything but tell the truth about all my "accidents."

Can I also just mention the fact that he REALLY likes sex.
In fact he likes it so much he felt the need to force it upon me,
not just one time though, many times.
Most of the time I'd give in just so he would shut up about it.
But there was this one time,
I was firm on no.
He got on top of me and went inside of me.
I cried,
Im tiny,
Im unhealthy,
My entire body always hurts.
I didn't know that the word NO was such a hard word to accept.
I didn't know that the fact that your girlfriend having a life aside of you is ok,
was such a hard concept to accept.
I didn't know that love meant keeping the people you love,
locked away...
But wait,
Everybody tells me that's not what love is.
I always wanted to believe them.
But he brainwashed me.
He made me believe that what we had was love.
When little did I know for a very long time,
that wasn't love.
That was toxicity.
That was mental abuse.
That was physical abuse.

I thought he loved me for who I was,
when little did I know he only loved me for what I did for him.
I was blind to him.
Everybody tried to tell me.
But I wanted to see the best in him.
Sometimes though,
you can't bring the best of a person out sometimes.
Sometimes people don't see the wrong in their actions.
Is it because they only act like that behind closed doors?
Or maybe because nobody is gonna do anything about it either way?
Who knows...

All I know is that no girl ever deserves to go through such things.
Such abuse.
Such manipulation.
Such toxicity.
No girl ever deserves to go to bed wonder why she wasn't good enough,
why she wasn't good enough for him to just treat her the way he should.
No girl ever deserves to wonder what issues they should address or not,
only because she knows if she brings certain things up,
he'll go off and he may hit her.
That is why I'm taking the action I am.
I have to try to make it better for the next girl.
Maybe he'll learn a lesson if he just faces some consequences.

Im not sure.
I can't even be sure he'll change his ways even then.
But that's no longer my problem,
It's time for me to heal,
It's time for me to move on,
But most of all,
It's time for me to be treated right for once.