Dreaming Of You

chapter 24

Talking to Bryan's acquaintance, Dr. Shelby, had been a lot more helpful and eye-opening than I thought.

The first few sessions had consisted of me telling him everything that had happened in my dream. Actually being able to talk through it all without having to hold back on anything really made me feel better. At a few points in the story, he had asked me what I thought that something had meant.

"Don't think about it, just say the first thing that comes to mind. Your subconscious knows with what reason it created some specific moments in those dreams." He had said the first time he had asked me to do so.

It had been at the point where I had said that I had tried to become a wrestler all of the sudden.

"I guess it was always something I secretly wanted to try. The problem was that I had always said to Joe and Matt that I didn't like wrestling so suddenly wanting to try out felt a bit weird. Them bringing it up gave me an opening of sorts." I had answered.

"And why didn't you like wrestling?" Dr. Shelby had questioned.

"I guess it didn't have anything to do with the wrestling itself, it was my own self-image that led to me disliking it. I kept comparing myself to those women and it made me feel like I was insignificant. They were all either beautiful, talented or both and I didn't feel like I was."

We also talked about Matt in a later session.

"I noticed that you grow a little quiet whenever your old friend Matt is named. Can you tell me about the relationship between you and him?" dr. Shelby inquired.

"Well, he meant a lot to me. He was my friend, my protector, in a way even my brother. We might have been quite far apart in age but I always felt like he understood me in a way that no one else did." I said sadly, trying not to cry.

"Do you ever feel guilty when it comes to him?" He asked as he handed me a box with tissues.

"Since I've woken up? All the time." I answered honestly, now not being able to hold back the tears anymore.

"Why?" It was a simple question and yet so hard to answer.

"He had always been so understanding and kind. He took me under his wing. Protected me because I got bullied and he hated to see it. He was genuinely one of the best people I know. He was always 100% honest with me. He was the best friend I could have asked for and yet I never told him about the feelings I had for his brother. He would have understood but I was too scared. I should have told him. He deserved my honesty more than anyone. When I woke up and heard it all had been a dream, I wanted to tell him everything." I paused in the hope that it would ease the lump in my throat "And then I heard that he was gone. The best guy in the world had passed way to soon while I'm the one that got to wake up. Not only had he passed but I wasn't there either. If only I had managed to wake up sooner, maybe he could have stopped worrying about me, maybe he would have still been alive."

"Raychel, I know you don't want to believe this right now but it was not your fault. No matter how much you wish it, you can't change the past and you can't be blamed for things you have no control over. It sounds like Matt meant a lot to you and I'm sure the feeling was mutual. I personally like to believe that those who pass away, keep watch over us like guardian angels." Dr. Shelby tried to comfort me. "You fought your way back to consciousness, I'm sure he's very proud."

"I just can't help but feel like I got the second chance that he deserved to have." I admitted out loud for the very first time.

"Life is unfair at times, the best people often get taken away from us too soon. What do you think Matt would tell you if he were here right now?"

"He'd probably tell me that everything would be okay and that he'd want me to honor his memory by utilizing my second chance to the fullest of my abilities." I could already hear Matt tell me that in my head.

"Then let's not let him down. I'm giving you two assignments to complete before our next session." Dr. Shelby told me "First off, I want you to think of a friend. Someone besides Joe. Think of the most trustworthy, understanding, truthful friend that you know. Now this might be a big step but I want you to confide in this friend, I want you to tell him about your feelings."

I looked at dr. Shelby with wide eyes but he continued before I could start freaking out "Hear me out. It's not healthy for you to want to shoulder everything on your own. You need a friend who can support you at all times, someone who knows exactly what's up and can help you with it."

"Okay... No promises but I'll try."

"Good, that's all I ask." Dr. Shelby calmly smiled before continuing. "I also would like you to try a technique to express your emotions. I want you to write down your feelings for Joe in a letter. Get it out of your head and put it on paper. You don't have to send them obviously but writing down what you feel and think might help your brain organize everything and think a bit straighter."

"What do I do with these letters after writing them?" I wanted to know.

"Well, that's completely up to you. You can keep them in a secure place, rip them apart, burn them, throw them in a river or in the sea to watch them sink to the bottom. It's really completely up to you what you want to do with them. You can even actually send them if that is what makes you feel better."

I chuckled a bit at that "I don't think I would send them but I'll try the technique. Anything else?""

"Yes, one final thing. I need you to promise me something." He looked at me with a very serious expression. "Start putting yourself first."