a n d a n t e

a

When Kate Fleming applied for a transfer out of AC-12, she ended up getting far more than she bargained for. How the fuck was she supposed to prove her skills as a DI when she could barely speak to her boss. She supposed it wasn't really her fault, she hadn't been anticipating someone so... difficult to be around.
She sighed. Difficult was the wrong word and she knew it. Intoxicating would've probably been a more accurate way of describing DCI Davidson. There was something about her that distracted Kate, but she couldn't quite pinpoint what it was. She'd managed to convince herself that it was just her trust issues after spending so long in anti-corruption, but if truth be told she wasn't convinced that this was entirely accurate.
So having excused herself from a meeting with her boss early for the third time that week, Kate decided that enough was enough. She needed to speak to someone who knew her inside and out. Someone who might even know her better than she knew herself. She had to talk to Steve.
•••
"Kate..."
Her former partner's apprehensive tone was enough of a signal that she wasn't going to appreciate the suggestion he made. She'd recounted her plight, how being around Davidson made her feel slightly nauseated and yet for some reason she kept trying to spend time with her. How whenever she called her "Kate" instead of "DI Fleming" in her stupid Scottish accent Kate couldn't think about anything else for the rest of the day. Steve had listened attentively, a positively bemused look on his face the longer she talked, and it was really starting to piss her off.
"Just spit it out Steve."
"Are you sure you're not in love with her?"
Kate almost choked. She was straight, and Steve knew that.
"Are you fucking kidding mate?" She snapped aggressively. "I really thought you were different, but you're just the same as every other misogynistic twat who thinks just because a woman has a pixie cut she must be a lesbian. Fuck you Steve, Fuck you."
Her former partner looked slightly taken aback by her outburst, but still had the same bemused look in his eyes as he previously had, and appeared as though he was struggling not to laugh.
"I'm not saying you're a lesbian Kate, but have you heard yourself mate? I'm just telling you what it looks like to me! You did ask my opinion."
The little smirk at the end of his retaliation was enough to tip Kate over the edge. She launched a cushion at him (one in a sequin pillowcase to make it extra clear she was pissed) and downed the end of her wine.
"Just because I want to touch her stupidly soft hair all the time, and I can't interview suspects with her incase her hand brushes against mine because it distracts me and I make a tit of myself every time, and the way she says my name makes me want to cry because nobody has ever said my name so softly, does not mean that I'm in love with her!"
Even she could hear it at that point.
"Fuck... I'm in love with DCI Davidson..."
Steve nodded, a triumphant smile slapped across his face, and Kate broke down into tears.
•••
It wasn't that she'd never considered that she might like women, but she just knew her life would be far easier if she didn't. And it wasn't that she didn't love her ex-husband, there was just no spark between them anymore. Or maybe there never had been. In truth, she didn't think she'd ever met anyone who made her feel the way Joanne Davidson did, which is why the feelings alarmed her so much.

Kate had a clear definition of what love was- love to her was finding someone she could tolerate spending the rest of her life with. And yet around DCI Davidson she felt far more than that. She felt protective, as though if anything happened to her supervisor she would physically forget how to breathe. Fuck tolerating, Kate had a longing to spend the rest of her life alongside this woman. But there was no way. For the sake of her son, Josh, who was already the product of a broken marriage and manipulative relationship, she couldn't complicate his life any further.
•••
She emerged back into reality with Steve clutching her tightly, and relaxed into his embrace. She loved how their platonic friendship flowed so easily, and had always wondered why they managed to maintain such a close relationship with no lines being crossed (after all, Steve didn't have the best track record when it came to making sexual advances on his coworkers... and witnesses... and suspects... and she really needed to address that with him at some point because Christ did the man have no boundaries?!) A part of her began grieving that evening, the part of her that knew she would never truly be happy. Now that she realised with such clarity what she wanted, she felt a strong sense of mourning for what she could've had if she hadn't been so afraid. Deep down, she always knew her bond with Steve was special, but she never understood why. She'd never felt so at ease with her make co-workers before. But now she realised it was because he knew all along that that line could never be crossed with her. Even before she knew it herself, her ex-partner knew that she would never want that sort of relationship with him, and he was okay with that.

Kate, on the other hand, was not. As she sobbed into his arms, she truly resented herself for falling in love with DCI Joanne fucking Davidson. Her life could've been so much easier if she could just love Steve.