Dies for Day (diarium)

Awaken

April 17, 2021

I cannot feel anything but void inside our sister's room, grief was covering the darkness in the windows of my mind. No matter what I do, there is no way to escape the emptiness in my heart.

Tears had fallen. Why am I feeling this way? Maybe I am guilty for the things I have done incorrectly or for being unable to do responsibilities at home which made my mother mad at me - no, she said she was just mad at my attitude lately.

All of the confusion I had brought me to become more guilty for myself and for my family. I am a Christian but my personality contradicts the laws in the written scripture. That made me even cry more.

Instinct had taught me to reach out to a Christian friend through a message, there is no other peer I can talk to about my feelings. She is pretty good at writing spoken poetry, I believe she can be a successful poet in the future. Moving back, when I told her what I am feeling right now, she thought I am just wrong sent but she realized I was not. I am older than her yet she was the one who comforted me.

"Maybe there is a reason why you feel sad but you cannot explain it in words."

That was true, it is so hard to express one's feelings through words especially when that person is an introvert. Lately, the pandemic had caused numerous people to be emotionally affected particularly when it comes to socialization. I admit I am having a hard time socializing with others including my friends.

"And yet, the One who knows what we are going through is only God. He understands us because He is the author of our stories."

It is okay not to be okay.

I realized that every time I am having mental breakdowns, I discovered new lessons that I can apply to my life. What we feel is valid and normal. Sometimes, we cannot handle it correctly but we can seek some advice from other people to move forward. But we should take care of people we are talking to for some of them will influence us negatively. I am grateful that I met her two years ago, without her I cannot be more motivated in the present.

Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

- Proverbs 16:24