Was is all a lie?

Was it all a lie?

Seven months. That's how long it had been since the attack on New York City by Loki and the Chitauri. Seven months since Clint had his mind taken hostage. Seven long months since the man was imprisoned inside his own body. Inside his own mind. He could still see and feel everything. It's a feeling he never wanted to experience again. He was forced to watch as his own body betrayed him and hurt people, hurt his own friends and other SHIELD agents. He tried to kill his best friend and the worst part is, Natasha didn't hold him accountable for it. No, scratch that. That wasn't the worst part. He couldn't bear to even think about things he'd done behind closed doors. The things Loki made him do. He felt so much guilt for all this bullshit for seven fucking months and he hadn't voiced a bit of it. He put on a brave face for his fellow SHIELD agents and even lied to his team. He lied to the other Avengers. Told them he was fine. He knew they didn't believe him, especially Nat. They were too smart for that...Had guilt of their own....Things they regretted doing, but at least it had been their choice to do them in the first place. Clint didn't have that luxury.

In those seven months, Clint kept the guilt pent up inside him. Kept that fake, fraudulent smile on his face, just like they all did. He continued his work for SHIELD. Mission after mission, with no time off. The more time he spent keeping himself busy...distracted... the less time he had to think about the crippling guilt that was eating away at him little by little. He spent less time with Natasha and more time going on solo missions. His best friend and partner tried to hide how hurt she felt by his avoidance, but he could still read her like a book and it only added to his overwhelming guilt. He had a lot he needed to get off his chest and no way to do it

.

"I need to speak to him."

"By him you mean...."

"Loki."

"Clint...I don't think that's a good idea." Natasha tried to be the voice of reason. "Besides, he's in prison on Asgard."

"Then place a collect call to Thor's long distance ass and get him down here." Clint was not in the mood to be talked down to.

"It's not that easy, Clint. Besides do you really want that man back on Earth after everything he did?" The redhead asked.

"Of course not, but I can go there and speak with him."

The former Russian spy stood in front of him, as he sat on the bench, against the wall of the Avengers new training room. "Do you really want to do that?"

"I feel like I have too." The archer nodded slowly. "Nat, I just can't let it go. I need to know why..."

"You were convenient, Clint." She reasoned. "You were just there. Wrong place, wrong time type a thing. He knew he could use you to hurt us."

Barton knew that Natasha had no idea what he was talking about. She assumed he was wondering why Loki chose to possess him out of all people, but that wasn't the case. That wasn't what he wanted to question the trickster god about at all, but of course, he couldn't tell his partner that. He couldn't tell any of them. They would never look at him the same way again.

"I need this, Nat" He felt like he was admitting to a failure. Maybe he was.

Natasha seemed to be observing him for a long time before finally breaking her gaze away. "Okay. I'll see what I can do. Thor isn't the easiest to get a hold of when he's off world, but maybe Jane Foster or Professor Selvig will know how to get a hold of him. I can't make any promises, Clint. Thor may not even agree to it."

Clint nodded. "I know. I know it's a shot in the dark and probably a stupid one, but I have to try."

His partner nodded. "Okay. I'll give them a call." She said softly and left the room, leaving Clint with a cyclone of emotions roaring around inside his chest.