Tragedy Aesthetic

Faith

Sometimes I asked God a lot of questions.
Sometimes I believed in God and there was a time I gave up in trusting that He will helped me out from life's tragedy.

But today is none.
I acknowledged that God listened to all kinds of prayer. God listened to my heart, I had lacking of vocabulary to explain what had happened to me and how I was suffered by it. I don't say a lot, I can't say any words, I'm so speechless and was at the very lowest point of stamina to have faith again..

But then one day,
I gave up to decide on anything by letting everything just flow off of a duck's back, and I won't hold my tears anymore, just let it flow until i get exhausted..

And I got some eargasm to help me get through it, no words, no action, just laying down on the bed, looking up on the empty ceiling, put earphone on, and listened to The Smiths all day long. Because Morrissey speaks for me when I'm too tired to speak..

"Please, please, please let me get what I want this time...."

Guess what. God listened to the songs I played.
And now, I listened to the same song again, the same playlist of The Smiths.

What now? I'm so ashamed of myself.
Looks like God have gently showed me a mirror, when at the first sight there's someone gesturing, like me, and then it started mimicking me, i got mad of her attitude, and now I realize it was me, myself.

Only now I admit my stuborness toward God.
He said no, I suffered myself for it.
He said go ahead, take the risk, I can't take the risk.

Only now I realize,
I can't write my life,
Who Am I?
A human, that supposed to give it all to my God.

God knows,
Heaven knows,
I'm miserable now.