Until We Met

< 9 >

For the past three days, sleep definitely didn't come peacefully. I laid awake at night tossing and turning, agonizing over the horrors of my ex-best friend. Within that time Milo stayed with Lonnie and I hadn't once picked up the phone to see what Jason was doing. All I could think about was Vanessa. Memories of our childhood and the times we spent together played over in my head. Memories I hadn't even thought of in years. I felt stuck in a constant loop of familiarity and the hurt just kept expanding. I started thinking of my parents and how horrible our relationship was and how I turned out.

It was the first time I'd requested any days off. I was depressed and I just wanted to wallow alone. By the time day three came to an end, I was clear of hurt. The only emotion that was left stirring inside of me was anger, hatred swelling by the second in the pit of my stomach. I could taste the toxic acid biting at my tongue because I was too full of angry emotions.

I settled in at work having minor conversations with anyone. I think my lack of reaction allowed everyone to keep their distance from me or maybe it was because again, I'd never taken a day off in the three years I've worked here. Obviously, that meant something. But I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. I just wanted to get my work done and go home. My son hadn't crossed my mind even though I checked in on Lonnie this morning.

I just wanted to be alone.

I felt those abandonment issues disturb my well-being. I felt too unstable. My parents left me. Vanessa left. Everyone wants to keep leaving me and now that I'm somewhat happy and trying to work on being alone so that my troubled past doesn't constantly interrupt my present and my relationships, Vanessa wants to come and take my son away from me. Mine.

I seethed, but the inside of my sore cheek force me not to think about it. I no longer cried, not since the second night when I felt empty. Felt emotionless.

"Honey, we're going to McVenny's pizza, would you like to come?" Janice comes up from behind and asksme. She was the first person to take the initiative and talk to me outside of business-related. I wanted to be left alone, I wanted to snap at her for bothering me over trivial matters such as lunch breaks. Why would I want to go and get food with you people when we have work to do? The faster I get done, the faster I can go home, the faster this anger that keeps building inside of me, shaking the rim, can explode. I want to go home and explode. But the soft look on her face forbid me not to.

"I'm okay, but I appreciate the offer."

"That's alright, maybe some other time." She looks me over several more times with a pitiful expression before walking off. I turned back to my computer and worked my ass off nonstop. It wasn't until I had a severe headache that I knew I needed a break. I abruptly stood up and trudged my way into the breakroom kitchen, thankful for it to be alone. As I slipped my dollar into the Dasani vending machine, that headache turned into a migraine weighing down painful pressure over my left eye.

"Shit," I mumbled. "Ivory," I looked up from the Dasani bottle that I desperately gripped in my hand, wondering why I was starting to see two. It was Jason standing there clearly worried. I hadn't both seen him or spoken to him since the night I opened up the letter. But a part of me deep down felt some sort of relief. I was falling in love with him but I was just so angry and surrounded by dark clouds that I couldn't see clearly. Literally, I can't see.

"What do you want?"

"I didn't know you were coming in today."

"Why are you still here? Isn't the project over with?"

"Still a few loose ends I have to tie up with Mr. Zykel."

I didn't like how intensely he was staring at me. It was like he was scrutinizing me and trying to discover whatever it was I wasn't trying to tell him. And I'm not, I'm not ready to talk about it. Why can't he understand?