All the memories of what could have been...

The big welcome

     It's really weird how life can change in a day, hour, minute, a second. But the same thing that you are facing, someone probably in a whole different country is going through the same thing. Some situations just don't match others. And being made for someone that's a lie. No one can be destined for love at birth. Soulmates is bull shit too. The idea of two people maybe friends, enemies, strangers being "soulmates" really doesn't make much sense in my mind. Some people are just lonely and depressed because they don't have anything to rely on. Nobody to call when you cry and to hug when something amazing happens. And I really hate when people stare at other people. My mother's motto is "don't stare at people that's rude" which by now i've learned making people incredibly insecure is always going be rude. I could go on and on about rude people but some people could say somethings about me too. There's always that one thing that makes you stop, makes you speechless just by one word. Well mine is being sent to Paris to my mother; who left me when I was only six.  I lived with her throughout that six years until my dad decided to go to court with my mom. Which was good because I was in a abusive house with my mothers boyfriend. Who is now in jail exactly 1 hour away from where I live. Your probably wondering why I'm going to Paris, my mom reached out to me saying that she wanted to "connect" again. I'm fine with my one friend Lydia here in Pennsylvania. My dads never home so I kind of do what I want. I went through this stage where I would kiss and date every guy in my site. That's until a one party where everyone turned against me because I started a fight with this girl about a boy. So not everyone likes me and I usually just get stares in the hallways. So I would get a fresh start in Paris. I visited my mother one Christmas when I was 14. It was terrible. My mother and I got into a fight about how she didn't leave her ex-psycho-boyfriend. I won that argument by walking out of her house and staying with this boy all night long, I honestly forget his name. We didn't kiss or anything, even though that's what everyone thought when I came back to my mothers house. We just had a deep conversation and walked around Paris the whole night. We annoyed so many people that night, running around the streets, and stealing food so we could go to the Eiffel tower to eat but again I was 14 in my "dark age" as my dad says it. I miss my dad so much even with his bitches of girlfriends which never work out. He walked me to the plane and just left with his wife-to-be. The plane was so quiet until a baby started to cry then the announcer says "Hello passengers will be landing soon approximately 20 minutes, enjoy the rest of your flight." And again the baby cries and cries. It's exactly like high school in every class I would drown all noises with music, I don't really have a favorite artist and a lot of people think I listening to hard rock. I'm guessing it's a stereotype. I'm not anything. I'm not a jock, popular girl, nerd, theater person, not nothing that I fit into. Even when I don't expect it the plane is landing, I'm not excited to see my mother. We are complete opposites. I'm really not sure if she even likes me, I guess the feeling is neutral because will never be a "mommy's girl" and tell her things about my personal life, that she will not be apart of. She is my roommate who I don't like. "Here want help" a stranger with straight dirty blonde hair asked me. Looking at his face gave me a warm and gentle feeling because he very handsome other than the guys in Pennsylvania. "No I'm fine thank you." I say feeling bad because his bag was right next to mine. I'm pretty that my old self would have been already kissing that guy. But no. "You're about to drop it" out of the blue he said staring at my shaking hands holding my half fallen suitcase. "Serious it's fine" and I realized that it was slipping out from under my hands but I wasn't ready for the embarrassment of dropping it and picking it back. Then the guy with the dirty blonde hair picked it up and handed it to me. I knew in this moment I looked very weird. "Thanks" I said with a strange expression on my face because I didn't think that he would be that nice. I was half way down the plane when he voice spoke again with words I haven't heard in a long time "Can I get your number?" I couldn't find the words to tell him, he couldn't have my number. I was now just really still and ready to pass out any second. "No sorry I don't give my number to a guy I just met who I probably won't see again. So bye." The last glimpse of his confused dark blue eyes troubled my mind into thinking he actually wanted to get my number and talk. He was disappointed. I'm really not that special and he's going to forget this whole thing didn't happen and get to the other girls in his life that are probably crushing on him. But I had my mother to get to. In the first time in awhile I was scared to walk forward, go to my grand pick room that awaited me and the memories of 4 Christmas's ago will come running back in my mind. And there I had to prepare to see my mother. Through the big crowd of people and children I saw the only face that I knew but still it wasn't clear. I wanted to turn back. I didn't want to be apart of her life. I wanted to not be her child. "Hi sweetie I miss you so much it was unimaginable." mother fighting tears which was rough to see because I hate the situations where you have to comfort people. That is a common situation with my cousins. They are always fighting, then there youngest cries and I'm always the one to make her laugh. "Yeah" my answer was quick just like i wanted this trip to be like. Her tears were just big when her arms were around me. And I just let go. "Hey mom let's go" she nodded wiping away the tears. The tears that i brought to her eyes, just seeing me made her cry. We walked out to her cab, who was probably waiting awhile with my suitcase/guy incident. "I redid your whole room, I thought you needed more style other than pink and flowers" my mother is smiling with her beautiful face, her brown eyes always were my favorite thing about her. "Thanks" looking away from her staring eyes. We pass everything that I missed, I do still love Paris just not the people in it. Paris is amazing and their food is really great (one thing I also missed). We passed by a bookstore, flower shop, a market, and a bakery which I want to see. All the people walking the streets makes me feel not alone. Even though i'm right next to my mother. I'm invisible- invading her life, her city, and her house which was not mine in the least bit. "Josephine!" my mother says trying to get my unwanted attention. "Sorry i wasn't listening" I said looking still in the window. "Well you're starting school in a few weeks" she said putting on a rose colored lipstick. "Ok" I replied looking at the way she made sure every spot of her lips were covered with the reddish pink color,  "Look Joey I know that seeing me is hard and I understand, but because of how you've become back in Pennsylvania. Your dad wants you to get better, you also love Paris so this would be a good thing for you." She is clearly trying to make things better so I'll give her a honest answer other than "Ok"or "Fine". "Yeah I get it moving is a good thing for me but I was honestly fine back in Pennsylvania, remember last time i was here with my little runway. You almost called the cops and you look here I've changed. You also stop calling after 2 years. ITS BEEN 4 YEARS. I lost a lot of people since then I've learn to move on. These people were bad for me and looking in the backseat of this taxi clearly i cant move on from certain people." Ok that was a little mean but she really didn't call for 2 years and I'm mad. "I am certainly not going to fight right in front of this nice gentlemen who is taking us to your new home! For you changing, oh your dad gave him a great big talk about that." My mother was now angry not crying, smiling, or laughing. I haven't seen her that angry since the fight. "People are waiting for your arrival, my friends who care to talk to me civilized and not disrespectfully" I really hadn't realized we were at her apartment already. Her "friends" are all rich slobs who plan parties and go to country clubs. Which I don't know if they have country clubs in paris but still. The big off-white building was covered in welcome home signs and decorations. Yes, my moms that rich for the whole building to be a whole welcome party. The building had simply flowers out front with a doorman, my mother's apartment building has a gray circular roof that looks like a Victorian type of roof but it's pretty common in Paris. All the balconies have at least two plants and a lot of flowers. The place is beautiful. "Welcome back Josephine !" Almost 30 people said at once and another said "How have you been" and  "Remember me Joey" or "I remember you as a baby". Ok now I understand celebrities and the annoyance of paparazzi. This was getting out of hand. But through the crowd of people I see on face. A familiar face. Seeing the guys face was comforting and the only thing in Paris that felt right. In that moment I knew things were going to be ok.