Nefarious (DabixOC)

Chapter 9

We stopped checking for the monsters under the bed when we realized the monster was in us the whole time.

------------------------------

Alisa Age 19 Flashback: TW

Every day I wake up it's a constant battle in my head.

I want to scream to run away, to scream "stop".
But how does one run away from their own mind? Their own demons.
So instead I lay here, hands shaking, heart racing, paralyzed in fear of myself and the world outside my space hidden from the world. I lay in my bed all alone.

After what seems an eternity to me but only really an hour and a half of laying down in bed awake staring at the ceiling, I find the energy to get up today. I get up from my bed and head downstairs to the bathroom.

I looked into my eyes, tired, miserable eyes, they looked different. Older. The smudges on the mirror seemed to point out their flaws. I looked closer. My fingers poked at the bags that lay underneath.

This isn't me. I'm younger than this, lighter...I'm happier right?

And that's when I realized it is not sleep I need. When it's my soul that is tired.
Is this what hitting rock bottom feels like?
Have I lost myself?
When did I lose myself?
Actually no I know when.
It was the day my parents left me alone in this world.

I want to go to sleep.
I'm tired.

I don't feel like going out. 

------------------------------

It's been a few hours and I haven't done anything productive but at least I finished that show right heh...I'm tired.

Really tired.

I sigh to myself and shut off the t.v. sitting in silence as I look around my condo. My leg bouncing up and down as I feel the walls close in on me. It becomes harder to breathe. The silence is uncomfortable. But my head is screaming at me. It's yelling at me and I just want it to shut up. I continue this battle with myself for 2hat feels like forever and finally calm down. I can breath. But it still feels like something is always looming behind me waiting to pounce at me when I let my guard down.

I'm tired.

This headache is killing me.

I take aspirin quite often to the point where it doesn't help with the headaches anymore.

I get off of my couch feeling dazed I grab the bottles of pills from the kitchen cabinet. I look at them for a second. And all I think is;

I'm tired.

I get a cup of water.

The first 3 pills I have no idea what I'm doing.
I drink a sip of water.
Next 3 pills I realize what I'm doing but don't stop.
Another sip of water.
I continue taking the pills.
I drink more water.
Not stopping.
I can't stop.

And finally, as I take the last pill, fear fills my lungs.

As I realized what I had just done. I stumble out of the kitchen and rush to the bathroom. I pause as I see myself in the mirror. And all I can think is pathetic. My vision becomes blurry and my ability to think straight has completely vanished. I debate if I should even bother trying to throw the pills up.
It's not like it'll kill me.

With the strength, I have remaining I get up from the cold bathroom floor avoiding looking at the bathroom mirror, and heat my favorite food, mac 'n cheese. I take the plate and head upstairs to my bed and eat in complete silence. Staring blankly ahead of me staring down at the living room. Completely numb to the pain. I finish my meal and I set the plate on my nightstand. I lay my head down on my pillow and close my eyes as a single tear runs down my face staining my cheek. Within minutes, I drift off to sleep.