Tattoo

sorry no happy ending

  Samantha had a normal day at school, class after class lunch in which she did not eat, and recess where she would be humiliated.  This was a normal day for Samantha being numb to her insults. At school she appeared emotionless and she had no friends.  She was either noticed negatively or ignored.  The words "fatty" " ugly " and " bitch " were repeated to her daily.  At first when she was called these things Samantha was hurt and knew she was hurt, now she receives them without knowing their harm.  Even though at school she appears emotionless at home is a different story.  She goes to her bedroom and begins to stare at herself in the mirror seeing a bigger girl than she is.  She will grab a roll of fat and begin punching it and crying.  She writes her diary entries and goes to sleep as a way to avoid emotion.  The next morning Samantha wakes up slightly faint and a tad weak, she had not eaten the day prior.  Similar days continue until 3 days later.  Samantha now looks sickly and she feels as faint as a ghost.  She stares at her thinner self still unsatisfied with her weight and looks.  She goes down to grab a piece of fat when she cannot she resembles a skeleton.  Her mom noticed her change in appearance and decides to go through her diary to find a true explanation.  Her latest entry reads "all my life I had been treated one way by many people. Some say it wasn't true but over time when your told things it's like a needle with ink. A little bit dissolves and your fine. But as much as I've gone through it has become a deep large tattoo in my brain. 'Ugly' 'unlovable' 'dumb' 'bitch' 'spoiled' 'fatty' 'pig'. All of these are tattooed in my brain. Each insult. Each petty remark. Pokes a needle with ink into my brain. Recovery is hard. When you begin to recover just a little bit another insult slaps you. An on going tornado of insecurities is in my brain. Like in a tornado you have hope of escape but when you do it pulls you in again and again. Making you feel like you are worthless. Now, when you experience so much of pain, it stops hurting. Numb to almost all emotion. This is me. Worthless. Fat. Ugly. Just me.  I have been starving myself for the last four days and I do see a little bit of a change in my weight.  I still look fat.  I still look undesirable. I stand in the mirror and tell myself nobody will love you if you are unattractive while I cake on what feels like a ton's worth of makeup."  The more Samantha's mother reads the more she starts to cry.  Her mother had already began to loose her daughter and did not want her daughters spirit to completely fade away.  She call's Samantha's school to bring Samantha into the office to talk with the counselor privately. Samantha is now in math class being called into the principal's office.  She arrives seeing her mother, the counselor, and the principal holding her diary.  " what are you doing with my diary?" Samantha asks. The principal looks at Samantha sadly and reads her latest entry aloud. Samantha hearing her words back to her come to make her cry.  Samantha admits she doesn't like herself and never seems satisfied. Samantha stands before the people she knows in tears never being satisfied.  Samantha never truly got over her eating disorder, eventually she became eating again but she still finds herself never satisfied with her body.