In middle school, things changed so drastically that I felt like I wasn't even in the same world anymore.
Esther went to a different school. I saw her every Sunday, but going to school without her by my side was so much more frightening.
My mom also got pregnant in the first few months of school. I already had a brother, who was about 9 at this time. His name was Teo, and he finally started to develop some sass. Unfortunately, I was always in charge of him and I always got in trouble when he did something bad.
Without Esther around at school, I made an effort to be friendly. A girl named Helen and I became rather close since we both did well in school. We always drew each other pictures and passed little notes.
One day in the library, as I was alone with Helen in all the bookshelves, we had given up schoolwork to whisper to each other and giggle. Being so close to her made my face warm and my head dizzy.
The very next day I brushed my teeth for so long that my breath smelled like a tic tac factory. My heart pounded the entire bus ride to school in anticipation.
I didn't really think it out loud, but... I wanted to see what it was like if I kissed her.
In the library, we were alone again. Close again.
"I wish we could go to California, or something," she whispered. "So that we could swim in the ocean together."
I'd never been to California. My family never had the money. But her family did. I wondered what it was like to swim in the ocean... with her.
I kissed her quickly. I felt so nervous that she would get upset, but she kissed me back. We started to kiss more until it was easier (and less awkward), and after lunch we went back to class and pretended we didn't.
We kissed in the library every day until the end of the school year. Helen switched schools during that summer and I never saw her again. I missed her, for a little while, but soon I let her fade from my memory.
As middle school pressed on I started to do more poorly in school. I just felt too tired to do homework, too unmotivated to try. I frequently missed assignments, which had never happened before. I had always been an A student, and suddenly I was struggling to maintain average scores.
My science teacher, Mr. Laverne, said my name in class one day. I had been dozing through his lesson, and I snapped my head up.
"Paola. You have a D in my class and 12 missing assignments. I didn't realise you could fix that by sleeping through my class."
Immediately, I started to sob right in front of him and everyone else. I plugged my ears and shut my eyes and tried to make everything go away.
After that, the school required me to start seeing the school counsellor.
Talking to the school counsellor was misery. All we did was talk about depression and anxiety.
The real therapy I got was from spending time with a self-proclaimed communist named Julia. We could talk about anything together. She even had healthcare, which meant she shared her medication with me.
"They help me sleep better at night. They're to make you happier, but I usually just feel numb."
When Julia and I started kissing, I started to remember everything I did with Helen. I had a bad feeling that the more I thought about it, the more trouble I was in. But it was too late. Once I started thinking about it I couldn't stop. Suddenly, I was tumbling down a rabbithole full of online tests and articles. Suddenly, I was wondering what would happen to me if anyone knew.
I always thought that I'd marry a guy, but only because every girl had to. I didn't realise there was another option.
I vividly remembered my dad telling me that he wouldn't raise a lesbian in his house.
I figured I'd keep this part of me a secret for now.
I wanted to do some research on what it means to be gay but for girls. However... I accidentally stumbled onto some websites that I probably shouldn't have clicked on. It was quite a learning experience.
When I went to the search history to delete the evidence, I found some things that my brother Teo had been searching for.
Obviously, he was having some thoughts. And they weren't about girls.
I didn't know if Teo knew that he needed to keep it a secret. I deleted his research history as well.
Middle school was coming to a close. I felt so much heavier than when I had started. I felt like the last bits of youthful joy were draining from my system. In its place was an exhausted sort of depressiveness. I felt empty. Part of it was from the medication Julia got me, but most of it because there was so much pressure that I didn't really care about anything anymore.
As high school approached, I felt the omen of more changes.
One of those changes was that I was now old enough for Youth Group. And that meant I'd be with Esther on Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights.
The thought of it gave me goosebumps.
