The Galaxy is Endless (I thought we were, too)

Chapter 17

"Hey, Kuro. Are you awake?"

There was no verbal response, Kenma could only assume he was sleeping. He was so still, so pale, that he appeared almost as a statue. If statues had countless tubes coming from their nose and arms.

Kenma shuffled his chair closer to Kuroo's bedside so he was in arm's reach. He stretched one arm out to lightly grab Kuroo's hand, holding it in his own.

It was colder than Kenma could ever remember feeling it.

"Um," Kenma hesitated for a moment, not sure where to begin. "I have a lot I've wanted to talk to someone about, but I'm not very good with words. But you've always understood me anyway, so do you mind if I talk to you for a little bit?"

There still wasn't any sign of a response. No sound, no light flutter of his eyelids, nothing.

Just the faint beeping of the heart monitor to remind Kenma that he was still there.

"Kuro, I'm really scared," Kenma started. That had been so hard to admit, but once he had said it, the words began to flow off his tongue like an unstoppable stream. "I've been trying to stay strong, for you, I guess. But also for the both of us. I can't picture what a world without you looks like. And I don't really want to.

"I feel so selfish telling you to keep holding on and fighting. I don't even know if that's what you want to hear. But I don't want to let you go, either. Does that make me a bad person? You're suffering and I hate knowing you're in pain and it fucking kills me that there's nothing I can do to help you." Kenma was babbling at this point, letting his heart do the talking instead of his brain for once.

"I feel so lost. Akaashi keeps telling me to go to grief counselling from now on, but it feels so dumb. I'm not the one who's suffering here. How could I begin to explain to someone what losing somebody like you is like, anyway?"

Kenma wasn't aware just when hot tears began to stream down his face, but he wasn't going to hold them back. He wanted to get everything off his chest; lay all his cards on the table. No matter how much it hurt; it couldn't be worse than holding it in.

"I wish I could say that I didn't have any regrets. Because it's you. And I've gotten to spend 18 entire years with you. But god, I wish I spent every second with you. I wish I didn't grumble before date night, and I wish I didn't shove you away when you got too cuddly, and I wish I kissed you before we left for work every day, and I wish I didn't work as hard so I could have seen you more often. 18 years wasn't enough."

A sob ripped through Kenma's chest, it was getting so hard to breathe.

"I have the best soulmate on the planet, did you know that? You're the best friend, the best boyfriend, the best soulmate, the best family anyone could have ever asked for," Kenma stuttered, chest aching in a way he'd never felt before. His own emotions were a tidal wave; he was drowning.

"I wouldn't have traded a second of the time we spent together for the world." But I would trade the world for one more second with you.

Kenma's bottom lip continued to quiver as he spoke. "I hope you know how much I care about you. I don't think I was ever as good of a soulmate as you were to me, I was never good at the big romantic gestures like you were. It's killing me that I probably won't get the chance to give you back even half of what you've done for me. I couldn't be more grateful to have a soulmate like you."

Kenma chewed on his bottom lip for a few moments before continuing, his hand idly brushing over the soulmark on his collarbone "I never told you that I loved you, either. You deserved to be told that every single day, you know?"

The words 'I love you' had not once been uttered from Kenma's lips. It had only been fair, he'd thought at the time. Kuroo couldn't say it, so neither would Kenma.

It was incredibly stupid, looking back. He should have said it every day.

"Can I start now?"

Kenma took a deep breath in a feeble attempt to stabilise himself.

"I love you."

Once.

"I love you."

Twice.

"I love you."

Three times.

"I love you."

About a million times more. One for each star that was in the sky.

Kenma could have sworn Kuroo was asleep; that he hadn't heard a single word of Kenma's heart being poured out to him.

But when Kenma felt Kuroo lightly squeeze his hand, he knew he'd heard every part of it.