Jouska (18+) [Aaron Hotchner x Reader]

Chapter 5

"I don't know what's worse: to not know what you are and be happy, or to become what you've always wanted to be, and feel alone." - Daniel Keyes

——

"Aaron would you just listen to me?!" The frustration seeps out of her pores, her hands running through her blonde hair.

They've been going around in circles for months now, ever since he took on your case, the irregular hours and time away taking its toll. It seems like a never ending cycle - she argues, he goes to work anyway, he brings her back some flowers or gifts and they make up.

Rinse and repeat.

And she's at the end of her tether.

He holds his hands up in defeat, setting his phone against the kitchen counter. "Haley! What would you have me do? I have a job, this is my career." He says, almost condescendingly. He's sick of explaining the same thing repeatedly.

She slams the cupboard as her voice goes up a few octaves. "What is that supposed to mean? Don't do that. Don't you dare try to make me out to be the bad guy! Don't you dare, Aaron." Her eyes narrow and she seethes, her face is red and tears prick the corners of her eyes. "You asked me to move in with you because you wanted to be with me. You wanted a future with me."

"I do."

"Don't interrupt me." She hisses. "We moved from Seattle to DC so you could chase your dreams. I left my parents, my family, my friends to be with you. Because I believed you when you said you wanted a future with me." She wipes frantically at the tears that spill down her face.

"Haley."

"No. Aaron. I can't. I understand you want to follow your dreams, I know this is your job, that this is who you are. But you need to seriously reconsider what's important to you, because I can't keep doing this." Her voice cracks.

The sentence hits him like a sucker punch and he swallows the lump in his throat. "Keep doing what?" He asks hesitantly. He's not sure if he even wants to know the answer.

She's all he knows.

"Going to bed alone." She whispers. "I can't keep living like this, I can't keep being the only person all in for this relationship."

His heart sinks. He crosses the small kitchen to hold her hands in his, a split second taking him back to when he held yours in the car that day. He shakes the thought from his head and seeks out her eyes. He doesn't really know what to say, can't quite find the words.

"I'm sorry." He says defeatedly. He cups his hand around her cheeks and wipes the tears from her eyes. She leans into his touch, bringing her forehead to his.

It hurts him to know that she feels like this, but it devastates him even more to know that he can't even promise her he'll do better. He wants to. More than almost anything, to give her what she wants, but his commitment to his job is almost hardwired into him, his need to uphold his oath.

And the strange pull he feels towards you makes him feel like there's too many parts of him being pulled this way and that, being spread too thin.

She leans into his touch, both of them sharing a quiet moment after their blow up, their eyes closed, a glimmer of hope emerging in her chest.

But then his phone rings.

He can almost see the disappointment rise in Haley's shoulders and his eyes tear open at the sound, but Haley squeezes her eyes shut even more, knowing the answer.

She already knows the outcome.

She knows who wins in this situation.

"Just go." Her voice is barely above a whisper.