Falling in Love Today Amidst All the Hurt from Yesterday (GxG)

Part 11 The Day My Heart Broke

"I love you.. Andrea.."

Tinakpan ko bibig ko while tears started flowing down my cheeks. I let out a huge sigh of relief. Pinagmamasdan ko habang tulog na tulog si Piper. Those words, they meant so much to me. Ang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko. Lahat ng bumabagabag sakin nung mga nakaraang araw nawala na lang bigla. She liberated my doubts. This will change everything, pati ang desisyon ko.

"I love you, too, Piper", bulong ko sa sarili ko, sa pagitan ng mga hikbi ko that time. There, I finally admitted to myself na mahal ko na si Piper. Ang sarap sa pakiramdam na I have freely accepted this and that nasa same page kame ni Piper.

I stood up and went to the washroom. I stared at myself sa mirror as I wiped my tears. Inayos ko sarili ko. Paggising nya, we'll start talking about our plans na. Excited na ako to build a future with Piper. I checked on her again. She's sound asleep. Kinumutan ko sya. I could get used to this myself. Ang sarap nya panooring matulog. Napapikit ako while imagining ung make love namen kanina, napangiti na lang ako. When I opened my eyes, may napansin ako. She's no longer wearing her ring. Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko. Does this mean Piper has finally moved on from Cara? I can't control my feelings. Masyado akong masaya ngayun. Gusto kong tumalon sa tuwa. Para akong nababaliw na di ko maintindihan.

Lalabas na sana ako para magyosi sa may balcony ng may napansin na naman ako. Piper's photo with Cara, nawala na din. Moreover, may bagong photo na na andun. It's my photo. I was at work and it was a candid shot. I think she took it nung time na naglalaptop sya and while I was on the computer. "Aww, babe", yan na lang nasabi ko. Hindi ko alam kung kelan nya pinalitan but that don't matter now. The sweet gesture, sobrang kinikilig ako. I can't explain the feeling.

It was dark sa unit kasi I didn't turn the lights on. I was about to open the balcony door para lumabas when I saw a flash of light sa peripheral vision ko. I looked at where it's coming from. It's from Piper's phone. Naka silent ito but the light was flickering, which means may tumatawag. I checked the time, 2am. Who calls at this hour? I figured it must be work. Lumapit ako to where the phone was and as I came closer to it, I finally saw who's calling.

It's Cara.

Girl, really? Napailing na lang ako at napa tsk. If this is important, she will call again, un na lang sinabi ko sa sarili ko. Tumalikod na ako ng nag buzz ung phone. Napalunok ako. Cara must've sent a message. Do I read it? Or ignore? F*ck! I took a deep breath and turned around. I didn't touch the phone. But, I can clearly see the message Cara has sent.

'Piper, I need you. Please, I feel so alone. I'm reaching my end and I'm scared. I was wrong before when I said I can do this by myself. You were right all along. You don't have to love me back, Piper. Just be with me will be more than enough. I have no one, Piper, no one'.

I took a step back. Lord naman. Ang saya ko na po kanina, binawi Mo naman po agad. Ganun ata talaga, pag sobrang saya mo, laging may kapalit. Napaupo ako sa sofa. Nanlumo ako. Now, I hate myself for being so harsh at Cara nung nagusap kame. As much as I thought na she has judged me and Piper, little did I know, I judged her, in a way, too. I can't be totally happy kung merong nasasaktan na iba, if someone's suffering at my/our expense. And, I know Piper will feel the same way din.

Lumabas ako sa balcony and I lit a cigarette. The downtown lights are so mesmerizing, so relaxing. The few cars driving by looked so small from my point of view. Napabuntong hininga ako. Ayokong ilagay si Piper sa posisyon where she has to choose between me and Cara. I mean, una, si Cara un diba. Pangalawa, si Andrea lang naman ako. Nagsisimula na akong mag self-pity with that thought. Hindi din ako ganung tao na papipiliin si Piper. Pero I don't want to leave Piper with no choice din naman. Iniisip ko, wala pa naman talaga kame nasisimulan ni Piper, so wala naman kame technically kelangang tapusin. How can you let go of someone you didn't really have? How can you hope for closure when nothing was even started anyway? Sagad sa buto ang sakit ng reality.

It's true that I cannot speak for Piper nor for Cara. I can only speak for myself. I can only be accountable for my own actions and decisions.  That's all on me and no one else. Kahit wala kameng formal label ni Piper, I still felt the connection. Ang alam ko lang, masaya ako sa connection na un. When you fall in love, you also take risks. Pero hindi mo ilalagay ang taong mahalaga at mahal mo sa sitwasyon na mahihirapan sya. Kahit ikaw na lang ung mahirapan, wag lang sya kumbaga. I'm also not going to force someone to put a label on a relationship. Magkaiba din kasi kame ng lahi, totally different upbringing. And, I respect that. Kaya din I chose not to cross the line na lang or stir the pot kumbaga. People may say you need answers to everything for you to have closure. Pero for me, personally, closure is a myth. Nasa ating mga sarili if we move on now or take our sweet time. It's us who decides para sa sarili natin, not anyone else.

'You can't just send a person away and then expect them to not move on from you. That's not how the world works'. Pede ko yan sabihin kay Cara. I don't know, pero parang mas naiintindihan ko na sya ngayun. Kung kame talaga ni Piper, magiging kame talaga no matter what. Si Lord lang ang nakakaalam. And, only time can tell. I looked down and stared at my bare feet against the cold balcony floor. Then, I looked up the sky. It's clear, with faint dancing aurora. Napangiti ako. "Beautiful", I said to myself. I was at the last puff sa cigarette when I came to a realization. Na tama ung unang desisyon ko. Pero sino ba talaga ang makakapagsabi kung anu ang tama o mali? Ang tama para sa akin ay pedeng maging mali para sa'yo.

Iba iba ang opinyon ng nga tao. People may either react positively or negatively and that's okay. That's what makes us human and imperfect. Fight or flight response, I kept on telling myself. Pero diba pag mahal mo ang isang tao, fight dapat. Pero, little did we all know, that the real battle is the one that you hold within. Minsan, strength is also accepting the fact na you have to let go. Nangingilid na ang mga luha ko. But, I composed myself. I'll decide now, then pick up the pieces afterwards.

Bumalik ako sa kwarto. Piper is still asleep. I quietly gathered all my stuff. Binaba ko ung bag ko sa may paanan ng kama. I walked towards Piper. I slowly leaned forward and kissed her head, inamoy ko din ung shoulder nya. Then, I stood up and naglakad na ako palabas.

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Nakatitig lang ako sa unit number ni Piper. I'm holding the unit key tight in my hand. I let out a deep sigh. Then, I finally loosened my grip.

"I'm sorry, Piper. I love you, babe". I locked the door and slid the key back inside.

Nilagay ko earphones ko and played the first random song I saw on Spotify [Stay/Something Just Like This - Anthem Lights].

As I slowly walked away, everything flashed back before me. All the memories with Piper. From the very beginning, up to the last few hours. Tears started flowing down my cheeks. Hinayaan ko lang. Hinayaan ko lang ito to drown me.

"Pinagtagpo lang tayu, Piper.. pero hindi tayu itinadhana.."

For Cara.