On that Desk

2

Naruto:

 It must be clear by now, but all this time without missions has really confused me, and, well, I really like him, more than normal. I like him the way I like girls. Every night, thinking about his face, his eyes, and his lips give me goosebumps all the way down to my groin.

I've never done 'it' with anyone, and I don't really feel like I'm ready yet, at least not until the thought of him creeps into my mind.

I roll out of bed, blood rushes down, I don't look, but I feel it pulsing. Every thought about him makes me feel like this, it's so difficult to manage. I stand up, fling off my loose underwear, and crawl into the bath. I would love to go to the community onsen, but one thought about him, and it's all over, so I stay home for now, at least until I can control my own thoughts. 

Dressing is a difficult task since I still haven't taken care of 'it', but I will be able to control myself today. Out of what seems like a mix of frustration and tiredness, I don't think I can stay fixated on it for much longer. Since I wasn't informed that he was coming home, or at least dropping by between missions, I'm going to the Anbu Black-Ops headquarters to make sure they don't forget again.

I have moved away from my little childhood apartment into a place a little bigger, and a little closer to the Hokage's office and training grounds. It'll take me four minutes at this pace to reach Kakashi's office. He is the direct supervisor of Anbu and all the secret missions now that the Foundation is gone. I'm sure he's expecting me; he knows what he's done is wrong. Keeping Sauske and I apart like that. It's all wrong. These four minutes seem to drag along slowly even though I'm almost at a run. I don't want to know, or even think about how the others would feel seeing me like this... over Sasuke. It's embarrassing. As I brush past other Jounin, and some of the new team leaders, I slow a little. Feeling a blush creep into my cheeks. I feel like they all know what I want, or at least what I'm doing. I try to hide my face without looking too obvious. I always get spotted by some bright eyed Genin looking for an autograph or picture, but I can't today. I can't miss Sasuke next time he's here. The blush floods away from my face, and I know he's already left the village, so what am I doing. I just, can't miss him next time.

When he's home, everything is so good, so much better. I know he thinks we all despise him, or fear him. I just need to tell him that here in Konoha, we need him. 'Sauske, you've grown too', I'll say, 'I missed you!', I'll whisper in his ear. All these thoughts race through my mind in an instant. I've reached the office. No knock, or announcement. Kakashi doesn't deserve either after keeping this a secret from me. I pull the doors open, both at once.

The office is empty. No attendants or assistants, and Kakashi, he's not here. The doors close behind me and I step into the empty office. My back falls against the closed doors, and I slide down them, sitting hard on the floor. It stirs up dust, and before I can blink, silent tears flow down my cold cheeks. I know why I'm here right now... I'm here to see him. Sasuke. All I want is to see his face, his hair, his legs, ankles, shoulders, chest, his eyes.

These images of him show themselves to me. They play like a film against my stinging eyelids. Dust is still swirling down to meet the ground, and I feel a dry sob heave in my chest. I won't let it out though, not to guard my own image, but for fear that someone could hear hear me, and find me curled up weakly, calling for Sasuke. So I hold it in for as long as I can, for maybe a few seconds, but against my will, it bursts free from my cold, locked chest. Another, and another, and another, all echos of my first cry for him. The dust has settled, and the floor is soaked with my tears.

A last, fleeting cry escapes me, and tears continue to pour even though my sound had been snuffed. I close my eyes and search for those images of him once more, that bittersweet film that played for me just moments ago. I hear soft footsteps in the hallway outside the office, ones I don't recognize, they pass. I'd been holding my breath, and almost release it, but before I can, another set of footsteps come from the opposite direction. They belong to the man I came here to see; Kakashi. I can tell he senses me. I won't try to hide my emotions, or conceal the fact that I was crying. He'll know. The doors fall open behind me, and I sink further down, falling splayed on the floor. I tilt my head up to see Kakashi's eyes squinted in confusion. He steps over me, nudging my head back into the room, and lets the door close. He sighs.

Kakashi:

I know him very well, Naruto that is. His expressions, actions, and sounds. I've heard him cry before, but never like this. My hearing is better than his, so I've already heard his cry for a few seconds before he reacts to my footsteps. After hearing him tense up, I silence them, and he relaxes. I know he's here to talk to me, so I might as well get it over with. Yes, Sasuke left hours ago, yes, I should've said something to Naruto, but, well, what's done is done. I turn at the end of the hallway, and loop back around. I open the doors gently, and as I thought, he's curled up on the floor just on the other side of them. He sniffles and shows a sideways grin that I'm sure is involuntary. His bright haired head fell into the hallway a few inches, so I poke him back into the room with the tip of my sandal.

We both try to speak at the same time. I can already sense that he wants to utter some sad apology about boundaries, and the old days, but I won't let him. I need to tell him that we're here for him. He cares so much about others, that he often neglects himself. And just like Sauske, he thinks he's unworthy, and not entitled the praise he's given. He pouts, knowing I'll have the first word.

"Naruto, I", I mutter pitifully. Maybe his attitude has rubbed off on me. "Naruto, I'm sorry, I know what you're here to say, and I.." He cuts me off.

"Yeah. I don't care if you know why I'm here!". His smug expression shows me that he's not at serious as he sounds. He makes up some nonsensical excuse about his crying, and tell me he misses his friend. "That's all", he says, wiping away leftover tears. He leaves a few in place, to add to the piteous routine he's putting on.

"Naruto, I know how you feel about Sasuke." I don't know if I've said too much. Have I made him uncomfortable? I can't stop now though. "Your love for him trumps that which you'd feel for a friend or teammate". I know it's true. I've felt this way about women (and men) before too. I won't tell him all that, but he must know I want to keep him happy, and nothing could change how I feel about him. Either of them for that matter.

"So it's out huh?". He casts his gaze at the ground. "Everyone knows, right?". His eyes move to focus on everything in the room except for me. "You probably even told him, didn't you?!". He chants nastily.

"No, no you have it all wrong!" I match his angry call with my own stern tone. "Naruto... he was the one who told me". Maybe that was too much. He's stunned. The truth is, when I met with Sasuke last night he confided in me his true feelings for Naruto, and left in a hurry. Just listening to him talk about it made it obvious that he wants, no, needs Naruto to feel the same way. If I can help connect them in this way, then I will do everything I can. Naruto knows none of this. All that's been made aware to him is that Sasuke loves him too. He motions for me to leave to room. His eyes are blurred over, I can tell that he's biting back tears again. I leave with a nod, and close the door behind me, whispering a "Thank's for listening" into the room before the door shuts. I let him hear my footsteps as I leave, so he know he's in private once more. My part is done, I can only hope that next time Sasuke is in town, he and Naruto will finally speak truthfully. Not as brothers or friends, but as true partners.