pale blue eyes. (jemily)

i

sometimes i feel so happy; sometimes i feel so sad. sometimes i feel so happy, but mostly she just makes me mad.

the memory of that night once danced happily through my mind; but now it's like a brick tied to my ankle, threatening to drown me in the ruthless waters of guilt.

we were rooming together on a case. the case involved kids, so naturally jennifer was upset. she got into my bed so that i could comfort her; which i did by holding her close and stroking her soft blonde hair.

we sat in silence for a bit, me just holding her close. then she looked up at me with those sad, pale blue eyes, and i met them with my comforting brown ones.

"you okay?" i ask softly.

she opens her mouth to answer, but she doesn't. instead her lips come up to meet mine. i consider kissing back, but quickly pull away.

"sorry." she quietly apologizes.

"no, no, it's okay." i reassure her, "you're just upset right now; you're not thinking straight."

"em, no. i've been wanting to do this for so long."

i look at her, trying to determine just how much she wanted to do this. she seems genuinely interested, and god knows that i've wanted this for so long as well.

"are you sure about this, jen?"

she smiles, "i've never been more sure about anything."

i was certain to savor the next few moments: the way she kissed me; her lips so soft and tender. the way her breast felt in my mouth, and the heavenly sound of her soft moan as i did so. however, the best part was the satisfied look on her gorgeous face as she came around my fingers; and the second best was the way she fell asleep in my arms so peacefully afterwards. as she slept i laid beside her, feeling nothing but pure love and admiration.

i woke the next morning to jj planting soft kisses all over my face.

"good morning, sleepyhead." she said with a smile.

"good morning." i said, smiling as i remembered the events of the night before.

"we gotta get ready, hotch wants us at the station in an hour."

we began to get ready, neither very talkative until i spoke.

"hey, jen?"

"yeah, em?"

i hesitate, "what did...what did last night mean to you?"

she chuckles softly, "well, it meant the world to me."

"what does this make us?" i ask.

her smile fades a bit, "woah, em, slow down. i'm still married."

i feel my heart drop, but i don't let it show, "yeah, i know. i just thought that maybe—"

"maybe what?"

"maybe you were gonna leave him."

she shakes her head, "it's not as simple as that."

i nod, "yeah, i know."

"i mean, we have kids."

"i know, jen."

"just...just give me time, okay?"

that same love and admiration still remains, but it's different now. i think of her as my mountaintop; i think of her as my peak. i think of her as everything i've had but couldn't keep.

it was good what we did the other day, and i'd do it once again. the fact that she is married only proves she's my best friend, but it's truly, truly a sin.