𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘨𝘪𝘳𝘭 (𝘴.𝘳)

chapter eleven

this chapter does contain subjects in conversation like losing a loved one, mental illness, and addiction so please be aware <3

the next day at work felt weird, you couldn't describe why or how but it was just. you decided to take the subway for once but as always you missed it and had to get the next train meaning you were a few minutes later to work than you usually were yet you were still perfectly on time.

as you walked into the bullpen your face fell as you saw a rather distraught spencer reid walk out of aaron hotchners office, down the stairs, and out of the building in a hurry but when he passed you snuck a question,

'spence are you ok, what's happened?' you meant it sincerely, you hated seeing him in even the tiniest bit of discomfort but the looks he was giving you was less a look of discomfort, more a look of anger and betrayal.

'i trusted you y/n! i trusted you! DONT you dare try and explain yourself I don't wanna hear it.' he said still hushed so no one else would hear but he still managed to draw the attention of a few other agents in the nearby area.

shit.

shit.

shitshitshit.

you told hotch.

'spencer wait please!' you went to advance closer to him in an attempt to talk but he cut you off with a glaring look.

you were going to go up to hotches office and scold him but you decided against it, I've already had enough stress for one day. making your way over to the coffee station in the far corner of the bullpen you caught a glimpse of a few flowers on spencers desk, were they for me? you thought. no. they aren't, don't be ridiculous. you grabbed the white mug you always used and began brewing a fresh pot of coffee and asking around the office to see if anyone else wanted a drink whilst you were at it.

fear began creeping up you as you poured your drink, your hand shaking and your heart beating a bit more rapidly. you felt awful and you dreaded what was coming next. before you knew it, morgan was up  behind you asking about how your night was but you cut him off before he could finish,

'im really sorry morgan i gotta- i gotta go,' you rushed your words as you sped off the bathroom just around the corner, tying your hair back in a ponytail as you did so and bursting through the door frantically as you lunged to the floor a threw up into the toilet. your hands shook more violently now as they grabbed onto whatever they could to ease the pain in your chest, 

'no, no, no' you repeated under your breath as you tried to calm yourself down.

panic attacks.

your high school nemeses

you hated them, you hated the feeling of hopelessness, the feeling that you're going to die, the feeling that everyone around you is lying to you, the feeling that you're not good enough, that you never have been good enough. that you never will be good enough.

god, get yourself together y/n 

collecting your thoughts you finally finished throwing up and cleaned yourself up, standing looking at yourself in the bathroom mirror above the posh sinks. you couldn't do this. you usually knew what caused your panic attacks but this was foreign, it wasn't the usual depression or dread that comes along in swings, it was something different but you couldn't place your finger on it.

you finally deemed yourself ready to go back into work so you picked up your things, fixed your makeup, and made your way to the roundtable.

there was a new case in vegas and you were excited, you had never been to vegas but you had always wanted to, it seemed so exciting and so alive whereas where you were was just grey and dead. the case was a child abduction, stealing kids at night and tormenting their parents before killing them and sending the child hair to them.