Inception {Dreamnotfound}

6 | Regret | 6

-Nick's POV-

It's been three hours.

Three hours since Karl arrived and interrupted what was almost another murder. Since he got in the way of the attempted murder that so quickly turned to almost being his own, again, had I noticed even a second later.

It took me so long to realise.

So long to drag myself out of whatever crazed state of delirium I was in then, when all I could think about was how badly I wanted revenge for what happened, and the pain I was forced to endure for no good reason at all.

Had it been anyone else, I'm not sure I would've realised fast enough.

It wasn't seeing Karl that stopped me, nor the sudden appearance of someone between me and my enemy. That's what makes me so doubtful about it, that in that malicious state, I failed to even notice his presence, let alone that it was my own soulmate now stood at the other end of my blade.

The only reason I realised was because of his band, recognising the brief but bright flash of colour. He threw his hands up in front of his face to shield himself, and in doing so, made me notice that the person now before me wore a band identical to my own.

That's how I knew it was him, and how I managed to stop myself before it was too late.

It's bad enough to think about now, even if what happened ended up being close to the best-case scenario. Nobody died, somehow, and few people were hurt in the process.

Fundy and I, who looking back on it, definitely both deserved the wounds the fight earnt us. The only person who didn't was the third, Karl, whose injury was merely the result of collateral damage.

The guilt I felt seeing what I'd done to him was indescribable. Hurting your soulmate in a strange way feels like hurting yourself, some deep betrayal of the very reason the system exists in the first place. To have someone you know is safe, someone you can trust will not hurt you.

Well, I really messed that up...

Karl has been a little distant since then. When he woke up, I wondered if he'd overlook it, waiting anxiously and begging he would. Yet what really happened seemed off, his reaction so out of character for him.

It's like I wasn't there.

His eyes scanned over me like I was invisible, and the only time he spoke was to ask Clay in the next room over, not me in the same room as him, where we were and if everyone was safe. He fell asleep again shortly after, and I presume he still is now, considering the room has remained silent.

Since then, I've done nothing.

After Karl ignored me, I took myself to another room, the one I'm still in now. Sulking, wondering why I did what I did. The thing that bothers me the most is that a part of me would happily do it again. And it terrifies me, that I can't take in the full effect my actions had, what they almost had, and realise I never should've done it in the first place.

Some part of me is still bothered more over the fact I failed to kill Fundy before I was stopped, than the fact it reached that point. That's enough to make think I don't deserve a soulmate, that I'm a danger that shouldn't be allowed to be acknowledged by him.

I feel ashamed, stupid and ashamed. Not only that I couldn't control my anger, or the fact that I still don't feel bad for hurting Fundy, but the fact that I still went ahead with it despite Karl and everyone else's wishes. I went against my friends, then hurt and almost killed my soulmate because of it.

"You in here Nick?" an unmistakable voice echoes from outside the room, and I sigh before reluctantly admitting that I am. Clay pushes the door open silently, pale green eyes scanning over the room before settling on me. "What are you doing in here?" he asks, fumbling with the strap of his mask as he passes it between his hands.

"Just... thinking..." I tell him, keeping my own hands busy by knotting them into my bandana. A few more of those dumb purple flowers fall out, and I notice Clay try and fail to stifle a laugh. "About what?" he asks casually, fanning away the pollen that now clouds around us both.

"The fact I shouldn't be allowed to have a soulmate."

"Oh c'mon Nick, don't say that!" The look in Clay's eyes resembles one of pity, and I roll my own in disgust. "Look, I know you hurt Karl, and you're understandably upset about that, but you have to remember-"

"I'm not George," I spit, cutting off his predictable answer before he can finish it. "George has a perfectly valid excuse to explain what he did, so you can easily forgive him for it. I don't have that explanation. No reason for me lashing out, other than that I was mad someone could be that selfish." Clay nods understandingly, and I realise what makes me so mad about what Fundy did.

"That's what it is! It's not only that Fundy did that, but that I stopped myself from doing the exact same thing with you after! Fundy and I had the same problem: we were both assigned a target who happened to be our friend. There were two options on what to do. I picked one, and Fundy picked the other."

"I don't think there were only two," Clay mutters as soon as I finish speaking, and I shake my head. The way he cringes slightly, as if scared I'll lash out at him too, makes something inside me break.

I know it must've been terrifying. How irrationally quick I decided, and how little it took for me to turn back on everything I'd worked so hard not to do.

"Okay, so you believe that Fundy killed Karl selfishly to save himself. You retaliated because it was your soulmate he hurt, and you believed that was justified."

Clay ticks off each reason on his fingers, and I watch with a sickened expression, everything only sounding even less reasonable now. "But you did this despite Karl stating that he isn't mad at Fundy, that he didn't want you to make anything worse-"

"Stop-" I cut him off, embarrassed that I can't take hearing my own decisions repeated back to me. Clay sighs, shaking his head bitterly. There's sympathy in his eyes, but it feels condescending. "Nick," he sighs my name.

"Are you more bothered about what you did, or the fact that you think Karl won't forgive you for it?"

That question stings.

I contemplate my answer for a few moments in the uncomfortable silence before realising I don't know the answer either. "Both, I don't know."

The words spill from my mouth in a jumbled mess, but at least they're honest. "I just... I really wanted to get this right. I'd so badly wanted to make a good impression, and then I go and do this. I don't seem like a good soulmate to me."

"No, definitely not when you phrase it like that."

I notice Clay has somehow gotten hold of some more flowers, flattening out the petals to keep his hands busy while we speak. More of those red peonies, like the ones George is still wearing from earlier. "But hey, you have the system on your side for once."

"What?"

"You only get one soulmate," Clay smiles, as if that's supposed to reassure me. "Which means, Karl only has you. Seems to me he's wanted a soulmate almost as desperately as you have, so I don't think he'll turn his back on you because of one incident this soon after meeting you."

"He was ignoring me earlier," I mutter bitterly, thinking about how awful I felt after being ignored by my own soulmate.

I know I deserved it, but it still stung.

"You can't blame him for that," Clay sighs, turning his head back in the direction of the room Karl is presumably still asleep in. "Of course he's mad at you. I would've been mad if George had done that, especially if I'd have said to him what Karl said to you, and he'd promised what you did too."

I hang my head in shame, hating the reminder of what I said. "But I'd forgive him if he honestly apologised for it, just like any good soulmate would. Explain to Karl why you did what you did, and apologise for it. He'll understand."

"You know I'm not good with words," I sigh again, shaking my head and groaning, knowing it's what I have to do anyway. "Don't worry," Clay smiles nonchalantly, looking between the peonies and me.

"I think I can help with that."