across this page

a mess of us

if i didn't spend time chasing after people who'd toss me around like i'm nothing, i'm sure the outcome of us would've been different. i'm listening to fine line on repeat right now thinking about what could've been and reminiscing of time we could've spent. i remember that time last year where we held each other in the most innocent take of the word. you held me close to your heart and held my hand. you squeezed it three times in a way that i only understand now (i see you)

three times too fast. three times gone. you held my hand twice and wrote me notes, you were there for it all. but it was one time too soon. too soon to know for sure, too fast to know if it was real, three times gone into a memory we'll soon forget. i miss you. (three words that i'll only say now.)

you held me as i cried on a morning early as seven. the only time i'd ever cried in front of you. the last time i'd cry in front of you. you whispered sweet nothings and made me feel as if i wasn't soaking up your shirt. three times you clutched my hand, taken for granted. (i remember)

but you got so mad, maddison. you would get mad when i disappeared for days in end. you got mad when i was sad, you got mad when i was sick. you hurt me during all rotations of the moon, but i forgave you each time. we worked through it, we always did. i always had an inkling that it would be us for good. i just kept looking for validation from the wrong people, while you kept looking for a distraction in the wrong things. we always ended up like this, three times you broke my heart. (i hate you)

a year apart, quarantined through different parts of the city. you kept me with you. i stayed, leeched onto you, seeping the blood of your comfort into my own skin. i drained you out and it was my time to break your heart too. i see that you understand the remembrance of it all, your hatred built up and shattered my walls and i don't blame you. we rushed at each-other like feral animals, clawed and scratched and slit our skin open. we wore eachother out. compatible in a way that opposes our likeness of one another. i wish my heart beat for me instead of you. i hope you're doing okay. (the last time i let you go)