The darkest secrets

Fuck

When I tumbled out of bed the next day the first thing I did was check my phone to see if I had any texts or calls from Rose. As I scrolled through my notification bar, my heart sank, seeing nothing from Rose at all. Even the text I had sent was left on delivered. She's really upset with me and there is nothing I can do to change that at all. I hated how badly I hurt her and no matter what I say or do she'll probably still be mad at me. I sighed and left my phone on the bedside table, making my bed quickly and pivoted towards my closet, peering in and seeing what my options were for the day. 

I chose a blue short sleeve with a black and white striped long sleeved undershirt for cute layers. Grabbing those from my closet I turned to my dresser and pulled out a pair of ripped black jeans. This'll do today. I changed quickly and walked into my bathroom, examining my face in the crystal clear mirror. Turning the faucet on, I waited until the water turned ice cold and then splashed it over my face, tensing a bit at how cold it was, but enjoying how awake I felt afterwards. I brushed my teeth and brushed my hair, pulling it up into two slightly messy space buns with little side pieces hanging down, framing my face. Satisfied with how I looked I grabbed my red vans from the bedside, my phone and my backpack, moving down the stairs kind of slowly.

Evelyn stood at the bottom, waiting on me. She usually walked me to the bus stop in the mornings, just to make sure I got on safe and sound. It was also our sister talk time. We spilled pretty much everything while waiting on the bus to arrive.

"Morning Kat." She smiled warmly, and I returned her smile with a half-hearted one. I sat at the bottom of the stairs and put my shoes on while Evelyn stood nearby, scrolling on her phone. Once I stood up and was ready to go we headed out without speaking.

"She's ignoring my calls and texts and I called to apologize and left a voicemail full of honesty and she hasn't even opened it I think." I blurted out suddenly and Evelyn looked as surprised as I did by sudden purge of honesty. We kept walking while she thought for a moment.

"That's probably not good... She might just need a few days to recover. Give her some time Katlin, I'm sure she'll warm up soon." Evelyn offered advice and a hug as we sat down at the bus stop. I blinked and gave her a silent thumbs up, showing that I agreed and that was the end of it. We didn't speak again until the bus showed up, which was about fifteen minutes by my count which isn't always accurate. We said our short goodbyes, gave each other a hug and I got onto the bus.

Usually the only open seats are in the back when the bus arrives at my stop so I shuffle back there, avoiding everyone's gaze as I went. I plopped softly into the seat in the back and put headphones in. We had one more stop to make and that one is only a few blocks away from my house, then the school is 6 blocks from the last stop. I began to disassociate which was fine with me and when I came back to reality, we were just pulling up in front of my school and everyone began to pile off. We sounded like a herd of elephants as we went, loud chatter, laughter, and some screaming took place as the bus driver ushered us off of her bus.

I headed for homeroom, knowing Rose would be there but I wasn't going to interact with her unless she interacted with me first. She needs space and I was keen on respecting that. I caught her eyes as I walked to my homeroom desk and sat down. I looked away, pulling out my phone and checking my social media, just to have a distraction from the pit that continued to grow as time went on. I began to daydream, walking myself through possible scenarios of how Rose would react to my text, to my voicemail.

I snapped out of my daydream as the bell rang, signaling first period was getting ready to start. I had math next, which was tolerable except for the fact that Rose and I shared a desk there and its kind of hard to give her space when her left arm is inches away from your right arm and all you want is to be able to reach out and touch her arm, tell her how sorry you are, how you know that you fucked up, how you just want things to be okay between the two of you. But that wasn't going to happen no matter how loud the voice in my head screamed for me to do it. It wasn't my place and I was not going to overstep my boundaries or cross a line.