MR. TURNER

31. Just for a moment

Eleanor

I dont want to talk.

I don't want to think.

I just want to sleep.

I could never have imagined the pain. Losing something that was apart of me. Gone, just like that.

There are so many things I wish I did, wish I said.

It's not your fault.

William has left me countless messages, calls and emails, I just can't do it right now. It's been almost two weeks since I'd left the house, since I'd spoken to William, or anybody for that matter.

I know it's selfish, it was our baby, I know he's hurting just as much as I am but I just don't have the capacity to talk to him.

I feel like it's all my fault, I know it's not but I can't help it. Those thoughts just break through every barrier I try to put up.

No one knows, apart from William of course. I'm almost glad, I don't think I could bare my mother or sister trying to comfort me right now.

It's not your fault.

"El, come on, open up! I can't do this without you!"

Shit.

The broken voice of William filters through my house as his fist pounds on the door.

I lay still, staring up at my ceiling, surrounded by tissues and pillows barricading me into a safe nest I'd made.

Hoping he would just leave.

How horrible.

The phone begins to ring as his fist continues to almost go through my door.

Enough.

It's time to face this.

I sluggishly pull myself upright, slowly pushing off the covers and sliding into my slippers.

I don't even bother with the mess I'd made or to even check whether I was even clothed.

Thankfully I was.

My feet dragging behind me as if to say go back, but I pushed through and made it to the front door.

I take a deep breath and open it.

William stood there, a shell of the man that I know.

All those times he look like shit after nights drinking or no sleep, this is by far the worst.

My heart sunk at the sight.

I caused this.

Not by what had happened but by not being there for him. For only thinking of myself, that's not me.

I didn't bother with words, I knew sorry just wasn't enough right now.

I immediately fell into him, his arms around me instantly.

I buried my face into his chest, taking him in. We stood in silence for what felt like hours before he'd guided me back inside.

Hand in hand we'd made it to my room in complete silence. He didn't say a word as he made space on the bed and got under the covers, pulling me in.

We laid in silence, no kissing, no whispering nothing.

He just held me and I held him.

"I need you El. Not in any other way than this right now. Please don't shut me out." He whispered.

I could feel the tears gearing up for another round.

"I'm sorry.."

His vice like grip became stronger. He'd burried his head into the crook of my neck.

"I need you too... I don't know how to handle this... I don't know what to-"

I stopped myself when I heard him start to cry.

My tears were now free falling down my checks. I rolled into him and held him as he cried, an animalistic, broken noise came from deep within him as he just began to sob uncontrollably.

I'd never heard him cry.

I'd never heard a man cry like this.

I realised in that moment that regardless of everything that has happened, he is human. He does have emotions and feelings.

How could he not?

We needed eachother, whether it be just in this moment or for the foreseeable future I couldn't tell, but right now, we needed this.

We didn't speak for the rest of the night, we just laid with eachother, in comfort.

I woke up with the urge to pee, I quietly and gently pulled myself out of his arms and rolled over.

3.45am

Ugh.

I quietly dragged myself to the bathroom, using the walls to guide me in dark.

As I headed back into the bedroom, I could sense Will was awake. His large shadow filled majority of the bedroom wall.

"Hey.." he whispered tiredly.

"Hey"

I got back into bed and pull the covers over me.

"I love you."

That was all it took. I immediately grabbed his face, our lips met hungrily as we desperately tried to tear at one another's clothes.

I knew this was grieving. Trying to fill a void.

But I couldn't help it, I do love him. We know we need eachother. Although this won't take away the pain, it'll block the hurt just for a moment.

Just so we can breathe.

So we can feel.

It was love, it was passionate, it was heavy, it was grief and suffering all rolled into one.

We fell back against the bed, utterly exhausted.

I feel a little lighter, but I know this won't last.

We need to talk to someone. We can be there for eachother until the cows come home but this needs to be addressed in a healthy and safe way.

I decided that counselling was the first step.

As the somewhat peaceful snoring of Will fills the room, my eyes struggle to stay open.

With one last cry, I drifted off to sleep in the safety of Will's arms, rather than my pillows.

"I love you too."