Claus's Fucktastic Florida Frolic

The part where he does the thing

At 6 am today the state of Florida v. Clausson case reached a verdict. The case had looked far from auspicious for the defendant, owing to the fact that there have been numerous eyewitness reports of the deeds. From what we have been able to gather from the witnesses we've interviewed the leadup to the incident started on the first Thursday last month, just two days after the local gas station changed to their new and slightly more expensive pricings.

Security camera footage from the gas station had shown Clausson was parking an emerald green Volkswagen Kombi T1 outside the establishment at 8:41 am. After seemingly inspecting the prices listed on the pump he had made his way into the station's attached convenience store and continued to the cashier.

When we interviewed the cashier later, she told us the following about the encounter: "He had just walked up to the counter looking like he was annoyed about something and then asked me why we'd jacked up the gas prices. I tried to calmly explain to him that we had just adjusted it to match inflation and that it wasn't actually any more expensive, but he wouldn't listen to any it. He responded with a heated rant that I think was about how the raised gas prices were caused by the hippies, but that's about all I understood, the rest was just complete gibberish to me."

After Clausson had conversed with the cashier he would draw a weapon and fire a hail of bullets into the building's roof before walking out, as seen in the previously mentioned security camera footage and confirmed by all present witnesses. Police were contacted almost immediately afterwards as he left the store and sped of in the same vehicle he had arrived in.

A nearby patrol car was ordered to pursue the vehicle while another team was dispatched to set up spike strips to obstruct or stop it. The chase was however cut short by the fleeing vehicle suddenly losing power and eventually rolling to a halt. Before even reaching the spike strips. Police report the suspect leaving the vehicle of their own with his hands in the air and otherwise behaving cooperatively during the whole arrest. The suspect also responded to the police's initial inquiries about his motives for fleeing to then simply stop, telling them that he just ran out of gas. A slim Jim and various pieces also later found in the car.

Later attempts at interrogation would however lead nowhere, as the answers given by Clausson varied wildly and were filled with discrepancies, to the point that continued efforts were deemed both useless and redundant thanks to the numerous eyewitness reports of the incident.

We also spoke to Clausson's defence lawyer on the day of the trial, and he was determined to do his best defending his client despite the outcome of the trial looking clear already. Her optimism would quickly wane however, as Clausson repeatedly cut his lawyer off, to correct or confirm claims made by the prosecution, frequently admitting to be guilty of the criminal acts described.

This honesty took the case on an unexpected turn when he was asked about the vehicle (presumed to be his) that he had been witnessed driving to and away from the gas station, as Clausson interrupted the prosecution, telling them: "You shut your goddamn mouth, that's a stolen car. And the day I pay for hippie bullshit will be the day I high-five the Reaper.". Before the prosecution had time to formulate any sort of response Clauson continued: "I think I might've ran a guy over as I was backing it out too... So write me up for manslaughter too while you're at it".

This last admission also seems to have been the straw that broke the lawyer's back, as she was the first to respond, calling Clausson an "absolute nincompoop" before storming out of the room. The trial would however continue, With Clausson representing himself for its remainder, which ended soon after all witnesses had provided testimony and Clausson admitting to pocketing a packet of Slender Jamisons™ brand meat snacks at the gas station.

When asked to provide a closing argument Clausson responded: "Your honor, you should let me go because I'm [something] and these shades are Gucci", before lowering his sunglasses (which he had worn for the entirety of the trial) and winking at the judge.

Clausson was found to be guilty of: unlawful discharge of a weapon, theft, possession of multiple unregistered firearms and a destructive device, speeding, driving without a licence, vehicular manslaughter and shoplifting. Claussson was also told that its entirely within his prerogative to argue about gas prices, but to do so with uncontrolled automatic fire never has.

When we asked Clausson how he felt about his coming imprisonment he responded cryptically, only telling us that we were "jumping the gun on that one".