Dizzy on the Comedown

I.

Up and down like a red rubber ball,

You're always back and forth,

Like the clock on the wall.

—

The first time he saw her, she was glimmering with sweat, hair sticking into her forehead mirroring his.

It was the annual class meeting then, on a fine June Monday 2017.

She ran up to him with her loose ponytail bouncing before stopping on her tracks, three feet away from him. It took a few seconds for HJ to blink after seeing her take the simple black hair band off her head, and it took three more seconds for him to get back into his senses to send her a small and unsure 'thanks'.

It took a call out from Felix— his friend since elementary school, reminding him to continue the volley game they were in— for him to take his eyes away from the figure that came running like an angel after he shouted 'ada yang punya iket rambut?'.

He tied up his hair, the simple black band somewhat more special than the others he had lost previously once he started growing his hair longer than usual. "What's her name?"

"Siapa?" Felix asked him back, not looking at the direction HJ was pointing.

"Her," he nudged his friend, making Felix turn his head. "Yang ngasih gue iket rambut."

"Oh, Naura."

"Naura," he repeated her name softly, unheard by the friend beside him. Somehow, he knew that name wouldn't leave his head for a long time.

He saw her around a lot.

There aren't that many students in their year to begin with, so it wasn't a hard task to remember who's friends with whom and who sits where on snack or lunch time.

But she was a different kind of noticeable; like even when eighty of the class of 2019 students are put in the same hall for monthly flag ceremony with the other ninety class of 2018 or seventy class of 2017, he could easily spot her.

She always has the other girl around her— Ray. They go together anywhere, anytime.

HJ knows he's creepy for staring, for admiring her from afar. He knows his friends will make fun of him whenever he unconsciously smiles to himself after seeing her get called out by the teacher for her pink socks (they were only allowed white socks). He knows he's a loser for not being able to bring himself into giving the small paper bag of new hairbands he bought a week before after he lost the one he borrowed from her; which he also didn't have courage to return.

But that's fine by him.

She seems content enough and he doesn't want to bother her, doesn't want to inconvenience her with his stupid little crush.

And so, HJ didn't talk with Naura for a whole year until they turned into eleventh grader. He was still holding strong to the belief that she was content with not having a boyfriend even though her best friend Ray finally got with her other best friend, Ean, through her.

As it turned out, she wasn't very content.

It was the last day of school before end of term long holiday that he saw her getting out of theater's room, tears wetting her cheeks and shoulders bumping with every hiccups she took.

There were thousands of questions floating to his mind. What was she doing in the theater's room, when he knew her theater's class was in Friday and it was Tuesday? Why was she crying? What was she crying about?

And as he sees Naraja getting out of the theater's room following her exit five minutes later, the questions didn't ever stop. Instead, it multiplies.

Naura has a beautiful smile, a beaming ear-to-ear grin that she lets out when her friend Ray does something stupid or the other friend Ean tells a joke that wasn't even funny.

She still lets out the same wide smile when HJ saw her in her mandatory canteen seat with Ray, Ean, and his two friends (Reza and Jevano, if HJ wasn't mistaken) the same day and only thirty minutes apart after he saw her getting out of the theater's room sobbing.

"Naura—" He almost called for her, almost.

But he didn't. The name was stuck at the end of his tongue as he notices her smile fading when Naraja sat beside Ean, in close proximity to her, acting like nothing had happened.

It was too late to retry calling her name then when she started making up lies to Ray about needing to use the toilet, running away as soon as possible.

HJ eyes wasn't the only one following her uncomfortable back. Naraja's eyes were, too.

And ever since then, he notices. Not just how she smiled, but also how it fades whenever Naraja is around. Not just her voice when she laughed over Ean's joke, but also how forced it sounds when Naraja is the one telling a joke. Not just how she was always running a little panicked to one of the classrooms when he's skipping his classes and chilling in the corridors, but how Naraja always follows her five minutes later, coming from the same direction.

He promised Felix he would make a move on the last year of high school, and that was how he ended up volunteering himself for the external affairs position in the prom committee board.

He doesn't even understand shit about booking a venue, and has problems with talking with new people.

But he was partly grateful for it because that was exactly it that made her help him— or rather, it was just her caring nature. She's always had that side in her that he absolutely adores.

She mocks him when he pretends to be stupid about the stuffs he's working on. She huffs at him when he flirts with her too much. She slaps his hand when he tries holding it while they were crossing the road, even though she ended up tugging at the fabric of his uniform's sleeves. She hits him when he tries pinching her cheek or patting her head.

But that's fine by him. Seeing her genuine expression is a satisfaction of his own.

He doesn't ever want her to pretend when she's with him.

Not like when she's around Naraja.