When I Should've Been Strong

Chapter 11

LEXI'S POV

"Alright, listen up," I said after laying out everything on the floor of our hotel room. Walters already went back to get lunch with Ryan, so both of us were alone. "I'm going to hand you a gun, giving you two rules. Don't be afraid of it, but be afraid of it."

"I'm just going to act like I know what that means," he mumbled, carefully taking it from my hand.

"There's no ammo in it. I'm only giving it to you to use as a placebo," I clarified.

"Then why was I supposed to be afraid of it if there was no ammo?"

"Because right after this moment, any other time I hand you a gun you have to assume it's loaded."

He nodded as I took out another bag of supplies. Dr. Lorenzo's party was a masquerade ball, so lying in the bag were two black masks, along with our outfits.

"Have you had any flashes?" I asked.

"Not since the day I had the Intersect installed."

"So you're probably going to flash on a couple people tonight, so don't be surprised," I said.

"Dr. Lorenzo works with Stacey Miller, right?"

"Yeah, he helped create her little experiment. Speaking of Stacey, why don't you tell me about her?" I said, raising an eyebrow.

"I don't think I should, it's...pretty rough."

"C'mon, you can tell me!" I nagged.

"Well....I guess I'll start with the positives. She was really pretty and never cared about my busy schedules. And she was moderately nice at times. I really liked her, not sure why considering that I was barely even her boyfriend. And she always insisted on going out in public and stepping right in the camera-"

"-for attention," I interrupted. "She definitely uses people, she's a spy for God's sake."

"Looks like we've got a rivalry?" he mumbled.

"Rivalry? With Stacey? Really Blondie...not at all."

"Well if you say so. But would you ever use me?" Niall asked.

"Not without asking first," I giggled. "Look, It's part of our job, put our feelings outside and just focus on keeping everyone else safe."

"So you're trying to keep someone safe by hurting another person," he nodded. "I-I guess I'll never understand you, or the CIA, or anything."

"I wish I could argue with you, but- I can't. You're right," I said.

It was a weird silence. No one dared to say a word. It had got to the point in which I genuinely wanted Ryan and Walters to get back to the room and interrupt. You're a spy, Reynolds. Why won't you say anything? You have to be fearless.

"Is...is that the way you feel?" I asked. "Like you know I'm going to hurt you, and blame it on everyone else except me?"

He shut his eyes and laid face down onto the bed. "If it's that predictable, you're probably used to the routine."

I sat down criss-crossed beside him and placed a hand gently over his back. "I know this is all overwhelming, and I'm sorry that we dragged you into this mess. But you have to trust me, Niall," I whispered lightly.

He sat up to face me, still trying to find the words to say. "How can I trust you when everything I thought I knew about you was a lie? And with the Intersect, I know all these things no one else knows, not even you? How is that supposed to make anything better? How am I supposed to understand all of this like it's completely fine, as if being famous wasn't enough...I'm a spy?"

I stared at him for a while. He was angry. And when he was angry, you could feel his arms tensing up just by simply brushing up against him. His accent gets much stronger, and his words slur just a little. You could sense it in his eyes. When he was happy, they were blue. Blue like the ocean. But when he was upset, they looked like ice.

He was not necessarily entirely mad at me, just at everything. He was having an off day and I wish I could help. I wish I could tell him everything was going to be okay, but I couldn't. Because I wasn't sure if everything was going to be okay. I grabbed his hand and looked him right in the eye.

"Fine. You want to trust me? Then I'll tell you the whole truth. I'll tell you something no one else knows. Something that's been hurting me since the day we met. Not when I was Janelle. When I was me- Lexi. That night when you asked me if I had feelings for you..." I tried to say. "I lied. I did genuinely feel something...but- I can't. I don't want you to sacrifice who you are for me, and everything from now on has to be professional. When you're a spy, you're fighting for one thing: yourself. You can't put someone before you, and it doesn't matter about how you feel about them or what they mean to you...I don't really know where I'm going with th-"

And just when I was about to give up on explaining things to him, he- he kissed me. I wanted to pull away, badly. But his lips were so soft against mine and I couldn't stop myself from grasping onto him and kissing back. I could hear my heart pounding, blood rushing through my veins as if I was struck by lightning. And for the moment he was all that really mattered.

"What just happened?" he said, out of breath. Our foreheads barely touched before I moved away and started pacing.

"I think you just kissed me."

"I shouldn't have- I...I don't want to ruin our-"

I cut him off. "No, no...don't worry about it. You didn't ruin anything."

"Stop pacing, it was just a kiss...right?" Niall said with uncertainty.

"Right, right! Just a kiss. Just a kiss, doesn't mean anything!" I said sarcastically, grabbing a bottle of water.

"Alexis..Something happened, and it's not supposed to happen. And I'm not talking about the kiss," Niall said quietly.

"Alexis...you called me Alexis. Why? You better explain. What is it?" I asked.

He choked finding the words to say as I waited for him to speak. Right before he was about to tell me what he wanted to say, Ryan and Greg knocked at the door.

"We will get back to this, alright?" I said.

I greeted the two at the door as they pushed past me.

"Good afternoon to you too!" I said as they rushed past me.

"What's up with the long faces?" Greg asked.

"Were we interrupting something?" Ryan raised his eyebrows.

"No, no-" we both said in unison.

"...we were just- practicing," Niall said.

"Right, practicing. Anyways...y'all come down to the lobby dressed and ready in t minus....a little less than three hours. You think they have a gift store in this hotel?" Greg asked.

"Nah dude, the arcade. Let's go," Ryan said, quickly dragging Greg out the room.

"A 30-year old man going with the weirdest 17 year old spy to an arcade. Really?" I asked.

"I'm trying to imagine it, not very well..." Niall said.

The open laptop on the desk set off a ringer. Irvington was setting up a video call. We allowed the call to go through and soon connected.

"Good afternoon agents. I'll get right to the point. So we have a blueprint of the basics, and we just sent that as a file to both your phones. You will be going undercover as Frank and Julia Zackensburg. Good luck tonight, and come back alive, please. Over and out."