Daily Musings Of A Nobody

Will I meet the same fate?

11:31PM, 1ST MAY 2021 SATURDAY

"You opened your laptop quite after a long time" said my mom as I opened the flap and stared at its blank screen before turning it on. Maybe she thought that I had finally decided on writing a poem. Ah, what expectations she has. I thought is this the right thing to do, maybe I should just organize it all in my head. But that hasn’t worked all this while, some exceptions might have been but they were exceptions of course. But broadcasting your life on a platform would make one vulnerable, but it’s also a fact that celebs and most millennials nowadays project their entire life on social media, that being a direct way. What I have decided on is a much lesser and indirect path and vigilance sure is a thing. Ending my musing I snap back to reality and brood into another when earlier today my mom and dad lectured me on not using my phone all day and watch more tv with them or socialize. And yes they lectured together, which is another thing I was rejoicing today. To see them socializing felt like old times. But then I replied that there’s nothing of interest to speak nor to watch(fed up of family dramas and almost all series), and why should I be the one to always talk. When shall they do it? Even now when I do talk and help them at times they still have complaints of me not talking.

Anyways let’s not go into depth so early, but maybe I should give a brief idea of who I am and why the hell am I putting this up here. Answer to the former is that I’m just a girl/woman in her early twenties who just like others doesn’t know what she is doing in her life. I promise you will come to know more soon, that is if you continue reading and if I’m persistent at writing.

The later question can be explained briefly, it might even turn out to be a shortnote: Firstly lockdown 1.0 last year in 2020 was full of ups and downs, depression, anxiety,  loneliness and wasting time on movies and series. Some days would turn out to be blank spaces in my memory, with me eventually trying hard to remember what I did then. My diary entry on my “actual real diary“helped that time but there would still be days without any entries. And secondly, the feeling of unproductivity persisted even after getting work done. So another reason is to note down what I do with the purpose of introspecting. Thirdly, a talent I found in myself during previous lockdown was that of writing poems, maybe I will explain further someday (if I continue), and under some circumstances I am due 8 more. And at the moment, I’m having a writers’ block or just sheer laziness to not try. Fourth reason would be to make myself persistent. I have stopped writing in my diary since it has stopped helping with overthinking and everything else it is supposed to help with, and then resorted to audio diary, then a human diary and lastly a planner to note down in short so as to check on word count. Also I could never be determined enough to write more than a chapter. Since my childhood days I would get vivid ideas of stories; born and mixed up versions of the various books that I have read. But I couldn’t write more than a chapter of it in my notepad. So everytime it would be a different idea and eventually i stopped trying. At the start of college, over some vacations I did start again, that time changing my own dream into a made up story but alas that effort went in vain. The difference between those instances and now is that, all those times I would modify my own life or make up entirely new things and never post it on any social platform. Also seeing my drawing skills you can say that I’m not good at imagining details but this time it might turn out to be different. Just maybe.  Just a ray of hope, because this time,
One, I’m writing a diary, everything is real or almost real
Second, I’m posting it all.
But again my uncertain self takes over, will I ever be making a second entry at all? Will I even look back at my keyboard? Will this one meet the same fate as the others?

To find out more you need to read further, and I need to write further. At a point I thought I should be writing in a retrograde manner, but then decided against it. If you are interested in knowing more or I’m willed at making a normal diary entry then you will surely get to know. I’m sure some jerks out there might be saying I’m such an attention seeker, if you do think then you can stop right here and go do something productive. I wouldn’t want to waste your resourceful time on a mediocre girl like me who is just very confused about everything. But that’s where you might also find something relatable. Afterall  life happens and you never know what’s in store for you.
Goodnight
Sweet dreams