A Field of Stars Between Us

The First and the Last

It's strange how time can turn a lover into a shadow as it eats away at the shared days of bliss and joy, leaving only the cruel and dark memories to shine brightly in its wake. It's been nearly 2 decades and yet, despite Time's most ravenous efforts to devour the weakest moments we spent together, I remember it all like it was yesterday. I hold myself as watcher and guardian over every precious second as the years drip by without hope of seeing you again. Even under the sun of that laughter, the tears, the joy, and the heartbreak, there is one memory whose gleam outshines the very darkest minutes amongst our shared existence. This is the one that guides me home when I am lost, clears the fog of my mind when fear rolls in from the churning sea of my anxiety. It is the one that gives me hope I will find someone someday that I can love as much as I loved you.

It was that awkward time in May when the heat of summer hadn't reached its peak but it was still starkly uncomfortable to be in full sunlight. The humidity made the air thick as the occasional dark cloud threatened to unleash a short, but torrential rainfall, my parents had gone out for the afternoon, giving us time to get stoned in the rapidly decaying garage. Though the structure was a cracked and beaten mess, it was a place we would go to talk things over. This day was a different though. We made small talk, listened to the sporadic rain showers as the drops beat down on the aluminum patio awning, and petted one of the errant cats that my mother collected. It was peaceful, yet there was something hanging in the air between us. It was more than the particles of dust that floated between us, looking like a field of orange, yellow, and red stars as they drifted through the sunbeam cast through the never washed window behind us.

Regardless, neither of us regarded the shift as anything more than the heady feeling of thick, wet air and lingering marijuana smoke. We held idle banter, something I'd become adept at with your guidance. Indeed, the barrier I'd been building since the onset of adolescence broke apart the moment I met you. You'd changed what I knew about life and living, turned me from an alien walking among men to a normal teenage boy. You accepted me for who I was instead of trying to change me or berate me. I'd never had a friend like you. I'd never loved someone like I loved you.

Despite the closeness I felt, there was one final wall I dare not even show you. I tried to hide it among vines and flowers, hoping you'd never know because if you did, I knew you wouldn't be there anymore. I'd be alone again. After so long walking the social desert, you were the oasis and I couldn't bear to leave your waters.

We talked well into the afternoon and into the first moments of dusk. As that field of stars grew brighter, we ran out of things to say. An awkward pause became louder than we. There was a moment of silence between us. I could feel your eyes piercing the veil of dust.  I reluctantly looked to you, my eyes straining to see your form behind that barrier of light that cut between us. Just as I found your silhouette, the sunlight lessened, the dust particles framing your handsome face with the glory of countless stars pulled from the heavens to witness the moment that was about to unfold.

You broke the silence with words so blunt and cutting that they haunt me to this day. The words I never expected to hear from you even in the greatest fantasy.

"You're beautiful."

Your boldness took me aback. My only response was the burning crimson pigment that pushed upward into my cheeks and spread quickly across my shocked, terrified, and hopeful face. I felt mortar and stone falling to the ground. The flowers and vines didn't fall with them but grew larger, more vibrant as they were freed from the shadow of that impenetrable barricade. The final barrier was starting to crumble under the pressure of the moment.

You laughed at my discomfort. I searched my mind for the right thing to say, but you'd stolen every consonant and vowel from the alphabet and I could find no way to express the emotions that roiled behind the cracking wall. Hope and fear battled over a wrecking ball. I opened my mouth and let out the breath I had been holding far longer than I ought. My eyes saw the field of stars erupting outward as your face pushed through. Those lips fell against mine, catching that last breath and drawing it deeply into your body as we dropped from this world and into one that existed solely for us in that moment. No sounds permeates our cocoon. I let myself feel affection for the first time in my life.

But there was no happy ending. We would go no further. Fear wouldn't allow it, nor would I. When we parted, the insidious beast of my anxiety took control of my body and mind. I stood and cleared my throat. You didn't understand and I couldn't expect you to. The wall was rising again. The topiary that was so vibrant withered on the vine. The horrifying  words of fear, that wicked bastard, had flooded my mind with dark premonitions and lying intuition that told me to love was to lose. And you were all I had. I couldn't let my desire destroy what was the most fulfilling friendship I had.

Few words were exchanged. What more could I say? You left that night and ever since there it seemed that one of those May thunderstorms loomed over us. We drifted apart and within a few months you vanished from my life, leaving only the memories scored into the ridges of my mind and the rolls of film I've never been strong enough to develop. Our world were forced asunder by events neither of us could have predicted and kept apart by a fear I can never fully comprehend.

I hope you hold that memory as dear to your heart as I do mine. I also have no misunderstanding that we will meet again in this world, and even if we did, I know that thundercloud would return to chase away that field of stars between us. I'm so glad for your happiness. I only wish it was something I knew how to give back then. I've changed in that sense as the years have passed. I've grown stronger, made connections, fallen into pale shadows of the love I felt for you and I've felt you there walking with me every step of the way. My book is about you, but I've hidden your face behind fiction, your words behind embellished prose, and the kiss behind sheer fantasy. It's a love letter to the boy I once knew and the man I hope to one day become.

I love you and I always will.