The Flower I Saw That Day

Of Daffodils And Butterflies

VII)

April comes and places her warm arms around Earth, and she welcomes her sweet daughter through the new born buds and yellow daffodils flowers blooming around the corner of their dorm . The mixed scent of coffee and people mingles together and brings out the aroma of something close to life . everywhere is filled with the sound of busy footsteps and children's innocent laughters. Namjoon sighs, sipping from the third boba tea he's ordered in less than two and a half an hour he placed his notebook and pen on the table of an unknown supposedly cozy cafe somewhere in the busy downtown of Seoul. No matter how hard he pushes this, nothing is turning out right. Not his words, not his rhymes, not even his life . He pulls out his handsfrees in a last frustrated attempt in hopes to get himself exposed to more sounds, more colours or any sort of vividness . At this point he barely had the right to be picky about their roots.about the distinct sound of a mean elderly backlashing her frustration at a toddler and her spilt Ice cream . He just needed a divine something to get him out and away from himself. Really, anything would do just fine. He was tired of this house of flesh and bones .
He sighs again, dropping the pen down on the blank pages of run down scribbles, before tearing them all apart . April is here and the air is thick with determination for a happy start . Only he walks without a purpose, he thinks with a bitter smile as he continues to sip on his drink. only he resents April with all his heart while unnecessarily ordering bobba tea .
There is a notification pop and Namjoon thinks for a good moment to ignore it and gets adrift even more, If possible, in his grey thoughts. But then his eyes wander on his phone's cracked screen -- in his defence, he was brushing his teeth when the phone decided to land exactly on the ceramic tiles, no one could see that coming, or he liked to think so-- the knot in his chest unwinds at the speed of sugar dissolving in his drink. 'Seokjin Hyung has sent you a message', he reads in delight, before opening up his messages inbox . When did reading messages become such a heart warming task for him ? Ah, that must be Seokjin's effect too, he reasons within himself with a smile, before opening his hyung's message. It's a blurry picture of a very fresh looking Seokjin, with his favorite sugar glider on his shoulder . He reads the caption with a smile.

" Odengi says hello ꒪꒳꒪"
"That's really cute hyung"
"Which one is cuter ?"
" Hyung or Odengi?"
Namjoon laughs at the older's childish question.
"Hyung's the cutest obviously"
" You brat"
" You think I wouldn't find out that you say this to Jungkookie too ? (⇀‸↼‶)"
Namjoon laughs in amusement, his fingers swiftly dancing on the screen's keyboard.
"Where'd you get all these emoticons from "
" Not fair, I want them too -_-"
"YAH (ノಠOಠ)ノ"
"DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT KIM NAMJOON"
" Are you coming home for lunch?"

Namjoon wants to type that no, he won't be home till something magical happens and he finishes the unfinished lyrics that are sitting still on those fucking dull pages, mocking him to the point of losing his sanity. But Jin is faster to beat him out of it .
" I'm making Japchae "
Namjoon feels his fingers stopping their anxious Pace for a brief moment, as his brain registers Seokjin's sincere effort in making him eat healthier than before, even with the busy schedule they've been set to . He realizes in awe that this must be his way to show him somebody out there cares for what he eats , for how his body survives through each day. He looks at Seokjin's text again before sending a short yes as an answer, looking at the vibrant daffodils outside the window.
April was finally smiling back at him too.

_________________

" So, you're meaning to tell me you couldn't write anything because the flowers and people were distracting you ?"
They're sitting at the table in the living room if their now much bigger dorm and Seokjin is wearing his Pink T-shirt that perfectly matches his wide shoulders, trying to comfort Namjoon's miserable heart and mind.
" I'm telling you hyung, nothing's working. It's like I've been cursed or something." Namjoon mutters, looking down at his hands. " Like my hands don't obey my heart anymore." Seokjn is listening patiently to his childish rants of the day for clearly an hour now, and doesn't even plan on reprimanding him for being greedy and ungrateful or things such. Namjoon is beginning to think in his previous life, Seokjin was a Buddha or something . But then he's not sure if even Buddha himself had Seokjin's weird attitude towards life . Because honestly, who would agree on cooking his Friend's favorite food and sitting his butt at the dining table, shoving spoonful of Jaepche in his mouth while listening to the said friend's sad excuses of why he's still the louser he is . "Namjoon-ah, even Yoongi says things like that sometimes , when he's too tired of sitting behind those pro tools for a long time, " Seokjin says with his mouth full, reaching out for the bottle of water. " Isn't that , what do you call it , a human thing to do ?" Namjoon groans, clearly tired of doing this human thing, and at such a young age too . He clearly was a let down as a youth. " the thing is, I'm too dull to write about Daffodils and people and their happy lives . I withdrew myself too much from their world hyung." He admits, running his thumb over the wrinkles of his sleeve . " I dunno what daffodils smell like anymore. The same with laughing, you know? Like the kind of laughing that leaves you feel better, not the kind that makes you feel even lonelier afterwards." Seokjn hums, looking at his troubled expression . Namjoon shivers under the warmth of his gaze . " Why don't we go try it then ?" He simply states, holding his glass higher than usual, Namjoon looks at his dazzling smile in confusion. " The daffodils and laughing like you mean it, why don't we go search for them outside, Joon-ah ?"
Namjoon opens his mouth to protest, but knows better than to ignore the gleeful look in Seokjin's eyes. He gives up, letting the older to take his hand and pull him out of the kitchen and his world. When they're finally outside, Seokjin takes a deep breath, smiling like he's feeling a brand new kind of relief Namjoon has never ever heard of. Curiosity takes the best of him, and he does the exact same, surprised at the way his tensed body reacts positivity.
" It's much better now, huh?"
Seokjn says, poking his side with a mischievous grin. Namjoon can't even argue with that. Itdid feel nice.
" But something's strange."
He wonders in confusion, his eyes drinking up the way Seokjin bends down to pick a freshly bloomed daffodil, and when the older looks up at him questioningly, he realizes he might have said that thought of his embarrassingly out loud.
"I mean, The weather's the same. The sun and the daffodils too. Even now I feel so thirsty that it feels like I can drink up a whole Barrel of Water but..."
His gaze trails on Seokjin and his cheerful eyes, observing the flower's petals, not knowing why he actually feels so refreshed and full.
"Everything's the same as they were this morning, yet I didn't feel so ...fresh. like I do now."
Seokjn chuckles, before taking a whiff of the yellow flower in his hand .
" April's not the time of year to be wandering alone maybe."
He remarks, taking Namjoon's hand and giving him the flower. Namjoon feels like the flower withering the moment his finger trace it's delicate petals, feeling like a fool for touching something that wasn't made to be touched. " Where are the others though, it was awfully quiet when I came back to the dorm." He asks, looking around the empty yard to find the usual hustle and bustle of his friends absent.
" Hoseok and Jimin are out grocery shopping, Yoongi's holed up in his studio as always. " Seokjin answers him, straighting his pastel blue polo shirt. "Jungkookie and Taehyung are probably at that sushi place Jungkookie wanted to try forever ." He adds with a smile, noticing the change of look in Namjoon's eyes. "Why didn't you go out with them ? You said you wanted to try it too." Namjoon asks him with a hint of guilt in his toned down voice.
" I said that. yeah," Seokjn replies softly. "But I'd be a third wheeler then and it'd make them uncomfortable. Besides, I wanted to cook something for you . It's been a while since you had homemade Jaepche, right?" He points out with a smile, a warm hand touching Namjoon's shoulder . Seokjin's warm hand. Namjoon coughs to hide the panic forming in his guts .
" What do you mean 'third wheeler'? You know they can't be separated from you for even a minute." He jokes, trying to ignore the tingling feeling of his heart . "Well, yeah but no . They're both young and in love, need some quality times every now and then, and It's April ." Seokjin replies. "They need their sweet time together."
Namjoon eyes widen in surprise, as Seokjin shifts from one foot to the other. "Eh? In love?"
Seokjin laughs then, scooting down to sit on the freshly cut grasses. "Mhm, you didn't know? You're pretty oblivious for a youngster." Seokjin teases him with his sarcastic old man accent, to which Namjoon curtly shakes his head. " They'd been keeping this a secret from the world though, can't blame you on that." He adds, much to Namjoon's shock. " H-how'd you found out about them then hyung?" He manages to ask, bending his long arms and legs to sit cross legged besides Seokjin.
" In my defense, they're too obvious." Seokjin answers with a dazzling grin, one that would make Namjoon trip over his head any day. " Haven't you seen them getting all lovey-dovey and heart eyed Namjoon-ah?" He asks a puzzled Namjoon, chuckling at his dizziness. " Yeah but Jimin and Hobi do that a lot too . I thought it's the same case for Tae and Jungkookie." He concludes with a fake cough, looking down at the place his hand was resting. Right on Seokjin's thigh. "True. But the two of them are drawn to eachother, like that one sneaky moth getting drawn to your table lamp." Seokjin says, eyeing Namjoon's nervous form with a pout. Cute, Namjoon thinks, before laying on the grass.
" You're being mean to the poor moth Jin hyung."
He teases the older, receiving a playful smack on his head . " Ya! the damn thing kept me awake all night just because a certain airhead forgot to close the window . At least feel responsible for hurting your hyung's feeling!" Seokjin belts, and Namjoon quietly watches his gleeful outburst for a fleeting moment. It is the smallest of details about Seokjin that catches Namjoon by surprise every time . His way of being blunt and honest and the sudden outburst of the words that makes him look like an angry tomato spatting every word and syllables ten times faster and make Namjoon jealous of his speed and worry about his position as a rapper. It's the way Seokjin pouts while doing so that makes him look like a demanding innocent child that makes Namjoon want to almost cup his face and never stop staring at those flashing eyes .
Shit, he's scared of this thought now.
" Love is a quite thing, huh? "
He speaks in the middle of the older's rush of words, suddenly feeling so warm and lost .
" I've never thought those kids would fall into that trap ."
Seokjin stops abruptly, and Namjoon feels his eyes on him. The eyes that see his excuse of an existence now. a creature who's stranger to the life. But Seokjin doesn't say anything about that. He doesn't show any signs of realizing that and knowing him, Namjoon considers the possibility of him ever bringing it on and about ever .
That's just another strange observation he did on Seokjin too .
" Everyone falls in love eventually, Namjoon-ah. Because love is just that one forbidden fruit everyone crave to have ." Seokjin gently reminds him, while putting the flower back in his hand again.
" What if someone doesn't feel it then? "
Namjoon mumbles dishearteningly, plucking out the soft petal that's shivering under the cold touch of his fingers . It's better if one perishes, before they get dismembered by the cruel touch of an unloved another, he selfishly thinks.
" Then they'll pretend to have it,"
Seokjin answers simply, looking up at the clouds wandering through the endless sky above.
" Because it's easier to grow a beautiful lie and live by it, than to face a bitter, lonely life without it."
Namjoon feels his heart heavy, and wants to ask Seokjin if he too, is living for the lie he's painted to be, but he looks down and sees Seokjin's nose scrunching adorably as he tries to wave a bee away from his face and he swallows up his words, almost as if it was a sin to question Seokjin's Sincere warmth.
Namjoon hated himself for doubting that .
" Hyung, I..."
" Oh? Namjoonie hyung?"
Jungkook's bubbly shout pierces through the heavy atmosphere between them, making Namjoon shut up in an instant and turn his head towards a delighted Jungkook with a cotton candy in his hand and a warm smile plastered on his thin lips . Seokjin smiles at him and Namjoon follows his gaze to trace out Taehyung's sluggish form sprawled on the backseat of the taxi .
" What's with Taehyung?"
He asks Jungkook, who was now busy to bring the body of his dead drunk hyung out .
" Oh that !"
Jungkook exclaims,easily carrying Taehyung on his back. " Taehyungie Hyung was determined to get free cotton candy for me, so he just...went on and joined this weird drinking contest with an Ahjussie."
Seokjin laughs and Namjoon doesn't know if it's because of the fact that Taehyung doesn't like alcohol or his own confused expression, but he can't help joining in it, jungkook soon to follow.
" You guys could literally buy tens of that and this is the way Taehyung chose to do that. That kid's something." Namjoon says, looking over at Seokjin's failed attempt to wipe his tears.
" Taehyung sure knows how to woo your heart, eh Jungkookie?"
Seokjin manages to say between his short breaths and contagious laughs, and Namjoon sees the way Jungkook blushes a deep red, running inside with a very plastered Taehyung on his back .
"You two better help me make him a hangover soup in less than ten minutes from now!"
He shouts bashfully, before slamming the heavy door shut with a loud thud . Namjoon sighs, trying to keep himself from bursting into laugh. " So bossy." He groans, looking at Seokjin's sly grin. It was a pointless resistance to hold himself from smiling at his happy face, so he drops down his arms and smiles back at him .
" Leave the kid be , Joon-ah. He's got a drowsy boyfriend to handle, and we're talking about a drowsy Taehyung here."
Namjoon shakes his hand, shifting his gaze towards the closed door.
" Why is he dragging us to do that in his stead though..." He whines, burying his head into his ridiculously stiff arms. " I already got my share of shits to deal with and they aren't even sorting out and ..."
He pauses, feeling a pair of cold hands cupping his heavy face. They smell like freshly cut grasses and daffodils, and Namjoon wants to ironically smell this heavenly scene forever.
" Namjoon-ah, don't rush it ." Seokjin's voice comes out to him like a sweet lullaby, one that he used to chase after as a toddler. Hell, he still feels like a wobbly toddler. Seokjin is making him want to be so small in the strangest way possible.
" I believe in us. It's gonna turn out just fine if it's gonna be molded by your hands. So no overthinking for now, 'k ?"
Seokjin talks him out of his mind in the most simple, effective way possible . And oh , Namjoon is sure as hell he's in a dream of some sort, because he notices a butterfly, one in the color of Seokjin's freshly washed botton up, flying over his head . Namjoon unconsciously reaches his ungraceful hand, grasping at Seokjin's sleeve with the other. If he reached out his hand, would the butterfly too, break down and die?
" I see your worries. The way you struggle to tie your shoelaces and stumble over trivial things every now and then, but you're Namjoon. And you're the reason these kids have a dream of their own now."
Namjoon's fingers get closer and closer to the Butterfly, closing the distance between them. It's beautiful. It's so breathtakingly beautiful that Namjoon is scared. So painfully beautiful that makes everything lose its meaning and become untrue.
If Namjoon lets go of it, would it fly away and break?
" You're the reason I have a dream of my own."
Seokjin's whisper makes his skin tingle, makes him feel the dangerous need to reach out for the butterfly again, so carelessly. so pointlessly. The withered daffodil coming undone beside his useless body .
Namjoon touches Seokjin's rosy cheeks, his butterfly giving him a smile. Good, Namjoon thinks then "Don't say anything more.just give me more of your smiles hyung."
Seokjin was his butterfly. Seokjin was the meaning to his April and its stupid Daffodils. Seokjin was the meaning to all his days and nights and seasons and Namjoon was afraid, so afraid of losing him and losing it all .
Seokjin was made to be adored and yearned from a far, because Namjoon is clumsy, and Namjoon is ignorant, and Seokjin might always be there but Namjoon wouldn't be able to touch him . Seokjin was always butterfly high to him .
He strokes his hyung's cheek gently one last time, muttering a thank you before pulling away from the warmth of his arms. His problem of song writing was seemingly solved afterall, just like his enigmatic heart .