I remember talking to who once was my closest friend, we were having one of those awkward but deep conversations and she asked me what my biggest fear was, "loneliness" I answered. Years later I think back of that moment and I realize I'm living that nightmare. I like being alone, I am comfortable when I'm alone, I don't have to worry about being judged or offending anyone or trying to be nice enough for people to like me. I can be my true self... but my true self is sad, unmotivated and insecure.
I've realized that I do everything to avoid thinking of my life, my past, my future. I've realized I don't have goals, I have dreams for sure but goals? No. I've given up on finding something for myself, I've given up on thinking I'll succeed in life. I've realized I'm only letting life pass by but with no true desire in my heart to keep going.
I'm living but I feel like I haven't started living yet... as if I'm waiting for something, as if something is missing and I haven't found it yet. I don't know what it is or where it is, and I don't know if I'll ever find it...
But the thing is, I'm not even sure I want to find it. As I've said, I've given up. Should I speak up? Should I seek for help? I don't think it's worth it for me anymore, I'm living by inertia now. People say that you can only heal if you want to heal. But I don't want to, I don't want to get help. I'm just waiting for the moment I decide to end it all.
I wonder if my loneliness is cornering me to think like this... but then again... It's my comfort zone, but sometimes this feeling surpasses me, and I don't know what I want anymore, my mind travels to all those 'what if?' moments I've had and that drives me insane. I roll in my bed at night trying to shut those thoughts but it's useless, I seem to like to sabotage myself, I seem to really hate myself.
"Aren't we all alone in the end?" that is what I repeat, but in fact, I am afraid of it. I've done this to myself. To think that my extremely introverted, shy and closed personality won't let me approach to people and make friends, real friends.
"But I have friends...?" yes, but not really. I don't feel like I have friends, they talk to me, they hug me, they tell me they like me, yet I still feel alone. I've never been able to call someone my best friend and really mean it.
Am I just fake? I need to pretend at least a little in front of people, that I have my things together and I'm not completely freaking out inside. That I don't care when they make fun of me, that I'll do whatever they say to "stay" in their group. To feign that I'm not broken. That you can tell me your problems and I'll advise you, being a hypocrite because I love you, but I hate myself. I'll tell you want you want to hear and hide my true thoughts, my true feelings, because you can't stand it, because you hate people like me, and I want you to like me. No matter what that costs me, no matter how much of myself I lose.
I've learned to keep things to myself all my life, I don't speak up when I want to, and that bothers people, when I speak my mind, that also bothers people. I hate conflict, so I always choose to stay quiet, because they won't like what I have to say. They won't care. Apparently, my word carries no weight, and I've just accepted that.
So yes, my biggest fear is loneliness and it hurts to accept that I'm truly alone, in my thoughts that I cannot share, in my repressed feelings and in the action that I won't take to make a change. I'm afraid I've gotten used to being lonely and I'm not sure I'll ever know anything different, since it seems that this obscurity will consume all of me. I want to break free but I've imprisoned myself.
